am I being to hard on him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2005
am I being to hard on him?
8
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 12:09am

Hello all, I am just going to get straight to the point here...My boyfriend and I have been in a serious relationship for 1 year but have lived in our own condos.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 2:39am

I used to live separate from my boyfriend, but stayed more than half the week at his place. I never contributed to the rent or cable bill, but I DID buy groceries always (because I ate most of the food!).

Honestly, your boyfriend just sounds extremely immature. But he's not a mind reader. And he has no obligation to pay any of your bills. Just because he's there doesn't mean your light bill goes up. Like I said, he absolutely should pay for the food he eats. But other than that, he doesn't owe you anything, because he is a guest.

So here's what you do: If you want him to fix the door, ask him. If you're tired of him eating all your food, tell him that your budget is really tight and can't afford another mouth to feed. Why would he want to pay another cable bill? He has cable at his house. Of course he doesn't want to offer to pay an additional cable bill. If he's taking showers and running up your water bill, tell him to either take showers at his own house or contribute.

People only mooch off those that let them. If you don't want your boyfriend sitting around at your house, playing video games and eating your food, well, let him know. It's as simple as that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2005
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 9:23am
Thanks for your reply, he knows my thoughts on this and I know he has no obligation to pay for anything...but it would be nice to be a guest just for once. This might sound selfish and rude but after a year of this...quite frankly I dont feel like a happy hostess anymore. I would rather him just stay at his house and away from me completely. You know I have been in this scanario with my ex boyfriend where I stayed at his house most of the time and like you...I contributed to food a lot of the time out of respect and gratitude for his hospitality. Thats just how I was raised...of course I was under no obligation to do so, but I diddnt want to be thought of as ungreatful or a mooch.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 1:16pm

Welcome to the board sunnyj1984,


Do not move in with this guy, k?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 1:42pm

sunnyj, others may have a differing opinion on this... I've lived with two guys, and semi-lived with one (like your situation now), and my opinion is that he does not owe you rent if his name is not on the lease. He does not owe you utilities if they are not in his name. Groceries... Well yeah I can see that he should contribute toward what he's eating, food doesn't belong to one person or another. But this is YOUR apartment, if you aren't happy with his lack of financial contribution then he should probably not be staying there so often. I can't really agree with asking him to contribute unofficially. Perhaps if you drew up a contract that you both felt was fair it would make more sense. He definitely does not owe you for the cost of a new door unless he broke it. I understand you want your door fixed, but it's not his door. That's like getting mad because he won't buy you a new car.

This doesn't seem like the happiest relationship to begin with, and you're resentful of him for nickel-and-diming you when you're expecting him to be a sugar daddy of sorts, to contribute to things that aren't his because you feel OWED. I cannot agree that two people who have been dating a year but aren't married, engaged or living together have any responsibility to take care of one another financially.

In order to stop feeling owed, even it up and spend more time at his place, or tell him to go home and take a shower. This arrangement is going to piss you off the more financial you make it - so maybe you should be living more separate lives if you're upset.

My opinion may not be a popular one, sorry.




Edited 9/4/2008 1:46 pm ET by eggbertshootsfire
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 7:53pm

"if you stayed somewhere 75 percent of the time and ate groceries, used internet and power...showers..household stuff ect that you would offer to drop 100 bucks here and there on some groceries to help out or offer to pay a bill sometime?"


I would.


If you feel that you are being put out or inconvenienced then you need to say something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2005
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 9:22pm
I just want to make it clear that I am not expecting a sugar daddy. I have been known to lavish my men with meals and wonderful gifts or concert tickets or whatever...but do to not being appreicated or it being reciprocated once in awhile I am no longer as nice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 9:56pm

Well, if he's staying at your place 75% of the time, eats your food, and won't reciprocate...it's definitely not 'equal give and take.'

So you talked to him about it? What did he say? I mean, everything is YOURS, so it's really a non-issue, being that you have all the control. TELL him he can either contribute or get out.

But I also agree with egg's point about drawing up a contract. He's there 3/4 of the time. You're more than within your rights to tell him you want to work out some sort of financial agreement.

And to second another point, financial relationships are awful. You'll end up resenting him more and more, and your relationship will never be able to recover from that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 2:54pm
I dont think anyone would suggest that you were looking for a sugar daddy.