Am I Being Jealous?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Am I Being Jealous?
6
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 9:11am
Hi Everyone

Ok. Lets get one thing straight first off. I am not a jealous person nor have I ever been jealous. I've always had enough self cofidence that I've just never been jealous! But I've been having a bit of an issue with my current relationship. I've been with my boyfriend steadily for about 4 months now. We've known eachother for much longer but only recently started dating. He has his own circle of friends, as do I. We also have a mutual circle of friends. His best friend is a great guy and I really like him. My problem is that I always feel like I'm somewhat on the back burner when it comes to my BF's bestfriend. In otherwords...he is number one and I am second best. I know how stupid and highschoolish this sounds...believe me! I just can't stop feeling this way. When we first started dating....it was always double dates with his bestfriend and his girlfriend. Ever since then...I cringe every time we are going to hang out with him. Then once we are with them...I eventually forget about it.

I don't want to talk about it with my boyfriend because even I know how illogical I am being. This is a "me" issue that somehow I have to get over.

Any advice????

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 9:39am
How often to you hang out with this guy? Is it every time you see your boyfriend?

Don't categorize it as a 'me' issue if it affects your relationship. Talk to him about wanting to spend more time alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to:
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:14am
Why not try planning a date instead. If you make the plans, then he can't invite his friend because you're calling the shots. So tell him to get dressed and you'll pick him up, but don't give any more details. Then surprise him with an intimate, romantic evening and show him how nice it is to spend time together sans friends sometimes. Chances are he brings his buddy along for back up help to keep the conversation flowing. Show him that the two of you can have a good time alone, but don't force the issue. If your man isn't doing it, it's time to be proactive and take the reins yourself. :o)
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:14am
Well...it isn't every single time. I'll use this week as an example. Saturday evening, we spent about an hour with our mutual friends and then we off to go watch the game with his friend. On Sunday, we went to play basketball with him and his girlfriend. On Monday, we went to dinner together and then innediately went to watch the hockey game with him. I managed to spend a few hours alone with him last night but I went on his computer to check my emails and the minute that his friend saw that he logged on, he started talking. I told him that he was busy but I could relay messages back and forth if he wanted. This worked for a couple of minutes but then he was like -- hold on, I'm gonna call him! He knew that we were hanging out and he still called. Heck -- the other night they dropped me off at my place...rather then wait in the car...he came with us to my apartment and then was standing there waiting while we tried to say goodbye. Like I was really going to lay a nice goodnight kiss on my bf with him standing right there! Its things like this that really tick me off!!
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:23am
I do plan things all the time! Like I can gaurantee alone time if he is staying overnight at my place...but who knows what we're doing before we get back to my place. Probably hanging out with his friend!! We are even going to the drive in tomorrow night with his friend and his gf. I've never been to the drive in before so I'm soooo happy that its going to be with another couple...YEAH RIGHT!! lol At first I thought that I was being paranoid and that there wasn't really anything wrong...but now the more I talk about...because this is the first time that I've really discussed it with anyone....I realize that I'm not being stupid! I really care for boyfriend but i'm so hesitant to say anything to him because I don't want to hurt him and the last thing I want him to think is that I am forcing him to choose between the two of us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to:
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:28am
So then tell him exactly what you just said. Don't confront him or argue about it. Just plainly state that you love him and the time you spend together so much that you'd love a chance to get a little more of it. Emphasize that you would never ask him to choose between you and his friend, but let him know that sometimes you want to be selfish and have him all to yourself. Play it up like you're complimenting him and you can't get enough of him instead of making it sound like you've had enough of his friend (LOL...guys eat that up). And if he still won't give you time alone, then maybe you need ot rethink if this man is ready to handle having a girlfriend. Maybe he likes the romantic aspect but he's at a point in his life that what he's really looking for isn't a girlfriend but just a "girl friend" if you get my drift. Long story short....you guys need to talk. ;o)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:50am
Talk to him without mentioning his friend. Concentrate on 'alone time', 'time to connect as a couple', having rommantic dates' etc. Don't blame his friend or make him choose.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:24am
I couldn't agree more with this advice. Don't make it about the friend, concentrate on saying you want some 'alone time' only. Never put yourself between him and his friend and make him choose, he'll resent you for it later, trust me.

If their friendship is realy old he might not even notice that you two don't get to spend a lot of time together. Hanging out with his friend is just second nature to him and he probably doesn't even think about it.

Also, this might actually be a compliment to you. Some girls complain they never get to meet their bf's friends and this guy obviously isn't ashamed/embarrased/annoyed to bring you along and include you in his activities with his closest friend. He probably got too comfortable with the situation and wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Just mention how nice it would be to have some more alone time with him. Plan some dates that only the two of you could do. good luck.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 12:40pm
well... i definitely agree with that. The last thing I want to do is cause him to get defensive by insulting his friend. I think that it is true-- they have been friends for like 10 years so he probably doesn't even realize that he's doing it.

My bf and I had a bit of a rocky start in our relationship. We tried going out before but he was stressed with school and he just couldn't juggle everything so we stopped going out...like he changed his mind and few times. I guess I'm a little hesitant to say anything cause I'm a little nervous that he could get ultra defensive - thats if I mention his friend -- and break things off. Geez...I'm not usually this paranoid. Its just that I haven't been in a relationship this good before. We were such good friends to begin with -- there really isn't anything better than going out with a friend. He already knew so much about me...we had more of a chance to explore a completely different part of out relationship. I know that I can talk to him about anything and everything. But for some reason...this makes me nervous. I just don't want our relationship to change too drastically. I just want his friend to back off a little -- like let me kiss my bf goodnight without standing there!!