Am I being paranoid?? Help!
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Am I being paranoid?? Help!
| Mon, 07-19-2004 - 6:28am |
have been married for nearly one year. I love my husband very much and am positive that he feels the same way. However, throughout this period, there have been 2 incidents which have made me lose all trust in him. After a few months of our marriage and while one time I was using his mobile phone, I came across some questionable messages to and from a co-worker of his.. which expressed a little too much affection for my comfort! I confronted him with these messages and he said that they are just friends and that they are all very friendly within the office environment and that I am overreacting and that it means nothing. We resolved the problem eventually and things were going well for a few months under the promise that he will not have any contact with her outside of the office context. I became very distrustful however and was lacking in self confidence. I started checking through his phone messages and I didn’t believe things that he told me. a couple of months later as I was looking through his messages, which I am not proud of in the least, I found some messages from the same coworker and again expressing too much affection! Again I confronted him, and this time I decided to leave home for a few days to give us both time to think and to show him that the issue is very serious to me and cannot be dropped as easily as the first incident. He apologized profusely and we discussed it for days on end. We resolved the problem with him admitting that he had made a mistake but that there was nothing physical going on between them and that it was just a few silly messages every now and then. He promised that he will never put me in such a situation again and that he would never hurt me again. This was 5 months ago and although I have seen nothing from him since then (even though I am still checking his phone).. I have zero trust in him. Every time he tells me that he is going out with the guys, I am skeptical.. if he receives an sms message on his phone, I immediately think that it’s a female.. I always have a gut feeling that he is up to something behind my back, I am always on the look out to catch him out and so much more. I know that a trust-less relationship will never work but I can’t help how I feel. I don’t know if I am being paranoid by doubting every move he makes or if my mistrust and gut feelings are due to a rightful cause. How can I resolve this issue once and for all and start trusting my husband again?

I feel for your situation. I'm the same way...although I haven't come across messages like that...but, i am constantly wondering with my boyfriend and I've blown so many situations out of proportion. A question for you tho...have you been cheated on in the past? I have...when i was 16..i was with this guy who was 21 and was my first love, first guy i slept with...etc...come to find out thru being nosey, etc...he had been cheating on me for like 6 out of the 10 months we were together...it tore me apart. I know i was young, but it messed me up..couldnt hold onto a single relationship untill now with my current bf..i'm 23 he's 22. I feel bad that my boyfriend is taking the heat for my jaded past...seeing that he's really given me no reason to mistrust him. Alot of my doubting is my insecurities. Sometimes I wonder if i'm good enuf for him...and that he'll find some girl who's prettier, thinner, etc...but..he swears he loves me the way i am.. He's never lied to me and we live together so it's not like he can hide much. A friend of mine passed this piece of advice to me and it might help you if you've got a jaded past as well...
We've got this negativity monster inside of us...and it's a dark place that we think is comfortable because it's what we know and the more we feed it with doubt...the bigger it gets. You find yourself in a situation doubting the trust in your man and the validity of his answers and the monster goes " I told you so"....the only person that can destroy the beast is you. Don't feed the monster...try not to blow things out of proportion. Thost gut feelings are what feeds the monster...you just have to trust yourself and him..
I know my negativity monster is still the 16 year old that got cheated on...and it looks for signs that he's cheating...and i just have to supress that feeling because i trust him. i've had fights with my bf over this..b/c i overreact sometimes...so just try to not worry bout it so much..i knwo easier said that done..i'm going thru it too...but i hope this helped..sorry so long...
RF
your husband violated your trust - this isn't just going to 'go away' on its own. this is a very unhealthy way to live - with you feeling that he may be cheating, checking up on him, wondering what you "don't know".
if you BOTH want this marriage to work - then you NEED professional help. make an appointment with a marital counselor and get to work.
good luck