am i being silly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
am i being silly
3
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 6:03pm
my gf and i have been together for 9 months and at the start it was great. But over the last 2 months she has found it hard to be intimate with me on a regular basis. We dont kiss or hug much and she tells me that her family never showed much affection when she was younger. What i dont understand is that she was all over me and then i now am the one initiating all the romance, hugging and i have to ask her for a kiss most of the time. We had a bit of a dissagreement and she told me that i was smothering her. She lies on the couch most of the day on her days off and says that she couldent be bothered with doing much. She always tells me that she loves me and finds it hard to show it to me. But she did in the beginning.


totally confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: moose55
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 7:00pm
Sounds to me like she might be bored with the relationship.

When I was younger I had a boyfriend who I adored for quite sometime. Eventually I came to realize that though I cared deeply for him and found him quite attractive, I was not attracted to him. I couldn't figure it out. I knew I was once very attracted and in love with him so what is going on now? He had to put up with what you are putting up with. I rarely had sex (sometimes I faked being asleep so he wouldn't touch me) I only kissed him when he asked and I wasn't very enthused about it. I busied myself with other things that really didn't have much to do with him. But, I still cared for him as a person and valued the relationship in that regard. When I felt sorry for him I would spend some time with him or do something nice for him. That was wrong. I kept this up for almost a year before I finally realized that I did fall out of love and didn't want to be with him anymore. I wasted his time and I broke his heart. :( I still feel terrible about it and this was over 13 years ago!!! But being that I was rather young I was very confused. Looking back it definitely wasn't mature love and I wasn't really even in love with him at all. It was lust and the lust wore off but I hung around wondering what just happened.

I think you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her. This could be what is going on and I know it's not what you want to hear but these sorts of things do happen. She might be in denial, she might be very confused thinking that it'll blow over, or she might be truthful in saying that it's just the way she is. I don't know your ages but I know that a lot of times when younger people enter into mature relationships they do mistake lust for love and aren't emotionally equipt to handle a serious relationship. Might that be the case here?

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
In reply to: moose55
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 8:33pm
This really is not all that confusing, moose. It is normal and common for people who are dating to be all lovey and ga-ga in the first few weeks and months of dating. It after those initial months pass that the true test of your compatibility comes into play. If things start changing for the worse or fizzling out between 4-12 months, normally that's your sign that this isn't the right person for you. If you want to live your life with a couch potato who can't be bothered to show you affection or intimacy, then you've found her. Otherwise move on. She can tell you what you want to hear all day long, but the signs you need to be reading (and heeding) are in her actions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: moose55
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 1:20pm
I think both you and secret have some very valid points.

To the OP

Alot of her behavior is exactly what she perceives as love, you on the other hand see that it should be more intimate. If you stay with her, after a long talk about your feelings with the relationship and she sees that nothing is wrong, then you will likely end up very unfulfilled with it.

The best behavior seems gone already and that is a warning sign at this point. Its awfully early for her to be so neglectful of your feelings, and Im afraid if you do stay with her and not address this situation until you understand EXACTLY what is going on and if it even CAN be solved, you are going to stay hurt, and it will get worse.

Alot of times, you can look to the parents (if they are together) and get a great idea of what that person will treat you like if you stay. This is what they were constantly exposed to in regards to love and the display of affection. In their minds, this is RIGHT.

If after you talk you still feel that nothing can be fixed, I would advise you to find someone who is at the same intimacy level that you are, or if they can at least appreciate your attentions. Its ok to be a bit more giving than your partner, but only if they find it at an acceptable level. No one wants to feel like they are a bother to the one that they care about. Now you just need to see if she is one that you can care about and still feel satisfied with the relationship. If not, its time to leave, hon.

I would wonder aloud, what exactly do you do in the relationship. Are you very 'touchy' and she is not at all, or does she instigate at least SOME contact? If you are the only one instigating it all, then it might be do-able for now, but it wont be for long.