Am I being too critical?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2007
Am I being too critical?
12
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 12:30am

Hello, first post here but why not jump right in?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 7:06am

I suppose I'm not really sure what the problem is exactly. Are you concerned that she's not as driven as you are? Is this about her self-esteem? You seem to be trying to convince us that her weight is "not bad at all" yet you bring it up many times. Who has the problem with her weight, her or you?

If you boil this down into one or two tangible problems to work on then maybe we can better help you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 9:49am

~~She doesn’t solve problems by talking. This one is HUGE. When we discuss something, she gets angryand doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. She once said it made her feel backed into a corner and that I outsmart her when we talk. She will NEVER come back to discuss a topic that we’ve dropped and will never lead the conversation.~~

This is probably the key to everything. The two of you may not have the best communication skills together. When you want to discuss something set some ground rules about the discussion. She may feel you aren't allowing her to get her point across. You may want to take a look at 'Venus & Mars' books (John Gray) about male/female communication. There is some good insight in his book about how men & women communicate and the different needs of both when communicating.

Keep trying. It's sounds as though you are a caring man who does want a good relationship with his wife. Marriage counseling may help also.

LG
LG
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 1:24pm

Welcome to the board foolsfortune,


I think if your communication could be improved that you would see improvement in other areas in your marriage and life. Would she be willing to go to marriage counseling with you?


It makes since that her interest is sex is less since she has low self esteem now and makes of the other problems. Problems outside the bedroom can cause problems inside the bedroom.

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Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 1:25pm

What are YOUR contributions to the downfall of the relationship?


It does sound like you're blaming her for all of the problems in the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 2:02pm

Welcome to the board foolsfortune:


Is marriage counseling an option?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2007
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 7:07pm

I guess the only real problem is that I want her to be who she is and be happy with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2007
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 7:14pm

I have heard of that book and will look into it.


I AM very caring and think we have a very good relationship actually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2007
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 7:20pm

No cl-itwin, I KNOW because she tells me about it constantly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 8:06pm
Any of us here reading can only go by what the original poster shares
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 8:09pm

Well, you sound like a really good and supportive guy. The answer you don't want to hear: you can't change her self-esteem. Self-esteem comes from within and while it can sometimes be easily damaged by other people, it's hard to positively impact someone's ego. I guess negative comments stand out a lot more.

The best thing you can do is to let her know that you're happy with her, through words and actions. I know 25 lbs is not a huge amount of weight compared to what some people gain, but it is more than enough to be noticeable and the person who notices it first will always be oneself. Until she's unhappy enough with how she looks, she won't try to take it off. She sounds like she's stuck in that limbo between "wanting to try" and "wanting to give up". I'm sure something will happen eventually, but until then you can only really be there for her and love her.

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