am I being too trusting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
am I being too trusting?
7
Tue, 03-11-2014 - 1:36pm

So here is the situation:

Boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and 1/3 months lol. Very specific I know. We have been having a fantastic time and literally I have never felt this great with anyone else. Mainly because I feel like he is caring, sympathetic, genuine and has good intentions with me. I met his parents, siblings, he showed me this house he is planning to buy. His parents have invited me over, they told his family about me. I guess I've been trully enjoying this feeling. I've never felt more wanted.

So, here is the problem... we started having sex about a month ago. We have not been using protection except for one time (I know stupid of me!!!). So, I was helping him make his bed, I decided to go through the corner to make sure to tuck in the sheets well. As I pushed the bed a little, I found a used condom on the floor. I confronted him immediately. That same day, as I was looking for my shirt, I found another used condom on the other side of the bed. 

Mind you, I have slept over a few times and although I've never searched his room or stuff, I find it odd that he hasn't stumbled upon these condoms. The times that I've been to his place, his room is always a bit messy although the rest of his place is neat. The first time I slept over it was unexpected, I ended up coming over, so he excused the mess. Since then, I guess he hasnt felt a need to clean it much.

After confronting him, he states that since meeting me he has not been with anyone else; that he has not cheated and although this is extremely embarrasing to him and disrepectful it is to me, he promised he has not had sex with anyone else. Prior to me he was sexing with some girl whom he was not serious with. According to him, he does not make it a habit to introduce his family to girls and I've been one of 2 girls who has been introduced. His family is trully the sweetest. And his relationship with his mom is one that I truly admire. He has not given me a reason to mistrust him. Other than the condoms (huge red flag) there has been absolutely no red flags. He welcomes me to his place at any time or day without specifically planning for it. He even expects me to surprise him and show up whenever I want. - I haven't done that, but I find him to be very open with me. A man that had someone on the side would act a bit suspicious. 

So although I am choosing to believe him. It seems like he cannot bottle this idea. According to him, if the shoes were on the other foot he doesnt know if he could believe me. And if  one of his girl friends were to be telling him this, he would advice them to step out of the relationship without hesitation. So this is my dilemma.

I told him he is questioning my trust in him and therefore questioning my perseption of my self worth. I've been in cheating relationships, I know the instictive feelings; I know the unease... I've been in those shoes before. But my instict- as crazy as it sounds, tells me that he is not lying. Yet, his empathy is making me question whether I am being too soft or being a doormat. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 03-11-2014 - 2:17pm

What was his explanation for why there were used condoms on the floor?

"So although I am choosing to believe him. It seems like he cannot bottle this idea." Can you explain this more? Is he saying that if he was you, he wouldn't trust the guy? Have you asked him point-blank "can I and should I trust YOU?" All the stuff about his great family and good relationship with his mother don't have any bearing on whether he would cheat on his gf.

BTW, "a bit messy" is one thing, used condoms/body fluids left on the floor is disgusting and lacking in hygiene.

Less than 3 months together and already a couple of big issues? That is a red flag.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 03-11-2014 - 2:36pm

Is this guy  messy enough that he would not sweep his floor for quite a while?  I could see if he sweeps but forgets to sweep under the bed and the condom that you found was under the bed since you said that you didnd't find it until you moved the bed--it's pretty disgusting but possible.  Does he have some kind of wastebasket next to his bed that you would assume he would throw his condoms into?  Do you remember what he did the time he used one with you?  Did he carefully dispose of it after or just fling it somewhere?  (again gross)  I think you should be pretty wary to see what is going on.  Often times people who are cheaters manage to get away with it because they are very smooth talking and charming.  And if you are not using any kind of birth control with someone you hardly know, that is just insane.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 03-11-2014 - 3:14pm
I have asked him, if he used these recently. He stated repeatedly that they were from before me. I truly do not know how to move forward with this. I know it's disgusting. since meeting him he hasn't cleaned his room- that I remember. I don't want to be gullible.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 03-11-2014 - 5:19pm

Okay, so let's say that you believe him that the condoms are from before he met you, and you trust that he is not cheating on you.

He hasn't cleaned his room in over 2 months? In my experience, when guys are going to have a new gf over to sleep the first few times they make an effort---clean sheets, clean room, etc. That would include getting rid of any evidence of previous women who slept there. The first time you spent the night was unplanned but after that he knew you might be back.

You need to think about your standards of cleanliness vs his. Just throwing the used condom on the floor? Even if he doesn't want to get up to dispose of it right after sex, he knows its there and should deal with it the next morning. So, if he doesn't care about cleaning up things like that and you don't think they should be left on the floor indefinitely then that wil be an issue. The person who likes things cleaner either has to do the cleaning or ask/nag the partner to pick things up. Either way its a recipe for resentment.

He's showing you something about himself that would not come up in a conversation, which is what the first months of dating are all about. From other things you know about him, does it fit in that he's that much of a slob or has that little attention to detail? Even if he is trustworthy, do you want to deal with the other (negative) traits?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2014
Tue, 03-11-2014 - 6:59pm

This is extrememly tricky.... however the fact he said if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldnt trust you and he would end the relationship sets alarm bells ringing in my opinion. Why would he say that if he was innocent? Why bring it up as if he basically wants you to end the relationship cause he would if the situation was on you? Seems extremely dodgy and the fact you have had previous poor relationships this is bound to have affected you. You have only been together for three months nearly and to be this is a bad way to start a commited relationship, at this point I would sadly run for the hills but that is just me personally- no trust already at this early stage only means it could get worse further down the line.

 

Then again what was his excuse for the condoms? If it wasnt he was sleeping with someone else he was probably masturbating? This is a likely story for all men as I am sure many men in relationships still do the deed due to their sexual libidos and egos and the fact men are more sexualy aroused than women are in general... it is a known fact. However surely he would hide the evidence from his family if his mum was to come into his room and put some clothes away or 'tidy his room' as stated by you it is messy? But then again you could argue why he would leave it out if he was cheating on you? Surely that would be a bigger insentive to get rid of the used condom?

It all seems very strange to me, I have had my fair share of cheating guys so I know how it feels to be hurt and seen as a mug, don't be that mug hun, talk to him get the truth out... if he can swear to you he wasnt cheating and progress with the relationship then give him the benefit of the doubt, but if you do give him another chance if the same scenario arises again or something simular you know what to do.... don't be a doormat, life is way too short to be with a liar :)...

 

Hope ive helped x

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 03-12-2014 - 12:07am

A whole 2-1/3 months?  That's a total of 7.5 weeks, meaning you know nothing about this guy.  Have you actually had a discussion about monogamy or being exclusive, or are you just assuming that?  If he only used one condom with you, and YES, very irresponsible of you, considering the risk of pregnancy AND the risk of an STD.  Taking you to meet his parents means nothing.  I raised three sons, and I lost count of how many girls were at my house for dinner.  And I was nice to all of them, why wouldn't I be?, I also knew that in a week or two I'd meet another girl. In addition, he's a slob if he has used condoms laying around, that's gross.  Considering that you've been with him for such a short time, having sex with him just in the last 3.5 weeks, they might only be a few weeks old....and he obviously isn't too worried about offending you with his previous sexual activities. 

So, you can show up at his place any time you want, even if it's a surprise?  Does he come to your place?  Does he ever take you OUT anywhere?  It sounds more like a booty call to me than a real relationship.  He said he wouldn't trust you in the same situation?  Wow, he's really not giving you ANY respect at all, is he?  I think you're being used......and it's time to move on.  Get yourself tested for STD's too. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 03-22-2014 - 3:41am

Fissatore says it just like it is with no sugar coating, and she's right. Besides the fact that he has used condoms lying around which is 3/4 past totally disgusting, it tells you a lot about him and sounds to me like he's pretty much banging anything he can. You're setting yourself up for a broken heart and an STD. Please get tested!