Am I being unrealistic?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Am I being unrealistic?
4
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 10:58am

All my life I've been in control of my relationships and I've done so by not giving all of me to the other person. Now that I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with I've found great flaws with him. He is a good guy, doesn't drink very much, doesn't go out very often and generally treats me well. What I don't understand is his lack of trying to do sweet things for me. He has done some nice things (the last time on new years) but in general I find myself always doing what he wants to do make him happe and the favour is never returned.
Now what really bothers me is his lying, when I catch him doing something bad, he lies about it. And I always dig deeper and find out its a lie, this in return makes me think that if he lies about little things then he might be lying about bigger things. I don't think he is cheating (he is always with me) but I still feel betrayed.

I keep asking myself is this how I wanna live my life? And I'm not sure of the answer. I'm tired of saying I stay because I love him, because this is no excuse.
Would couples therapy be of any help??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 1:04pm
hiii,
i personaly never trust a man who lies, i think its one of the biggest falws and the trickest, luckly u r one smart woman to catch him most of the times but its still a huge problem,but i do think someone shud nt give up on luv,so i think theropy is a g8 idea,but i also think u have to talk to ur man and tell him it really hurts u that he lies to u and that u prefer that he becomes open with u and that u cnt live with a lair..abt the doing nice things,when someone really cares for someone he or she automaticly start doing things that will make their partner happy but from another point of view he might just not be a passionate guy and if u know him well u shud know weather he is or nt..his cards arent very clear so i suggest u give it time and try to talk to him abt wat bothers you..
best of luck
byeeez
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 4:11pm

Hi Lisa,

Hmm, sounds like you've got some doubts.

Well, as far as the lying thing goes, that's potentially a really big problem. If he's feeling like he's got to hide things from you, and then gets really defensive, I'd wonder how he'd act when some REALLY big issues come up.

I think counseling would be really good for you guys. I think it would be good for him so he can figure out why he feels like he needs to lie to you. Self esteem problems? It sounds like he's hiding the real "him" from you, like you used to do in previous relationships.

As far as not doing the things you'd like him to do, this is the hardest thing to get used to. I've learned in my relationships that sometimes you have to ASK for things you want - even though it feels initially like it cheapens things. But once he has a better idea of what is REALLY important to you (flowers, foot rubs, etc.) he can take the ball himself and run with it. Sometimes what feels loving to one person isn't even on the other person's radar.

Do you think you'd be able to get him into counseling with you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 12:16pm

Welcome to the board confusedlisa,


Here's a book you might find interesting - When Your Lover is a Liar, by Susan Forward


Couple's counseling might help at least get all the issues on the table, get him to understand why he lies and find a way to get both of your needs met or help make a decision to end the relationship.




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 12:43pm

carrie is right....the counseling will help you end this relationship.

u don't need to be with someone who lies and if you got him into couples counseling he'd just lie there too. So, by yourself or with him go to counseling to get the strength to leave this boy.