Am I cheating myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Am I cheating myself?
1
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 10:02pm
I'm gonna start from the beginning....I met John in May 2000 and we got engaged in April 2001 and lived together until he was stationed in California in December 2002. We were supposed to get married last summer, but he got sent to Iraq for the war. He returned in August 2003 and at that time moved me from Florida to California. My problem comes in here. We get along fine when he's not working-- or even when he's working normal hours, but it's been 13-15 hour days since I got here. I don't have any friends, we're not married yet (I'm the one holding off on that now) so I've not met any of the spouses club (military man, as you can tell). I just started looking for work and I'm going to hopefully have something soon. I don't know if that will solve my problem though, because I'll work til 5 or 6 and he still won't be there when I get home-- and then there's dinner and all that stuff. I feel extremely alone and hopeless. When I was in Florida he worked long hours but I had tons of friends to go and hang out with, but here sometimes I could go days without leaving the house. When I first got here I kept really busy with shopping and putting the house together, but I can't go shopping constantly-- that's expensive-- so I do what I have to do, but that usually takes me an hour or two for errands and then I come home. The community that we live in doesn't offer much in the way of social activities and most of them are for senior citizens.

His work hours are horrible and he keeps saying that it's going to get better, but I don't believe him anymore. I resent the fact that I'm alone all the time, this is not what I had in mind for my life... He doesn't make me, but I do the grocery shopping, housework, drop off and pick up dry cleaning etc. I actually welcome that because I'm so bored but I'm even starting to resent that. He gets up every day at 5:30 and goes in and doesn't get home until at least 6:00 pm(right now it's almost 7 pm here on a SUNDAY and he's still at work)but most of the time it's a lot later-- some nights it's 8:30 pm and then he's too tired to do much but eat and watch a TV show and then go to bed. The thing that really makes me mad too is that this morning he said he'd be in around 3 "hopefully". He says things like that all the time and it's most of the time an understatement of the time it takes to get the job done. Our sex life is OK, but I am starting to hold back because of resentment. Even though he's tired he's up for it more than I am. He's leaving tomorrow for 2 weeks to go on temporary assignment and I feel very non-priority.

I don't see myself making the friends like I had in Florida, we're only going to be here for another year or two. Then off to another new place where I won't have any friends AGAIN! I know (as I'm reading this, I'm realizing) that this could sound like a case of a cheater, but I'm POSITIVE that's not it. He's second in command at his job and I talk to his Commander all the time and he tells me about things that John's done and the long hours he works and all that.

When I came to CA we agreed that if I absolutely hated it or if I changed my mind in any way I could go back to FL. I don't want to lose what I have with the "non-working" John, but I don't know if I can handle being alone so much. I feel like I'm cheating myself out of the life that I wanted-- fun, hanging out with other couple friends, making fun dinners, etc.....Does anyone have any advice at all? Please help me....

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 11:07pm
Someday if you stick with him and marry him you will be glad that he is so responsible would you really want him to give up his job for you? I believe you when you say he's not cheating that's probably just the nature of his job and you should really decide what kind of person you are. Are you needy and always want a man around to keep you occupied? Or are you independant and can handle being alone? That also might change down the road. When I first met my husband I was always jealous and wanted him around but he's a truck driver and his hours vary greatly and sometimes he was gone for weeks at at time. But as I grew as a person I found that I liked the chance to be independant and a little selfish at times too. Because I could shop when I wanted to and clean when I wanted to etc.etc. Just don't wait too long before you make up your mind because it sounds more like it's your problem than his. I think you're lucky to have him but if you're not happy you're not happy and that doesn't make you a bad person as long as you know what you need and go after it. Good Luck. Remember now is not forever.