Am I Crazy????????????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Am I Crazy????????????????
3
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 9:22pm
My husband has avoidant personality disorder,( this disorder causes the one you love to push you away, even though what they want is love and fear rejection- their minds are in confusion with intimate relationships, but sometimes they function in the everyday workplace as if they are going through the motions. This has been hard for me because I am an extrovert personality and he was subdued, but not introverted when I met him- 5yrs ago- he went through this depression because of his dad's death and job upheavals etc-but he got through it- we are going through this rough time again, this time, we find out that this disorder is the reason for his behavior. Living with him is like being on a roller coaster- I love him with all my heart, but it is hard to be pushed away- when you know that the one you love is in pain and you can't do anything- but let them help themselves. He was talking to a female coworker and I flipped out- I felt betrayed, but he said it was easy to talk to someone who did not matter to him- she did not know him like I do- so he would listen to her problems, help her solve them to feel good about himself- he felt *safe*, because it did not let him focus on himself or his problems. We love each other, and it is hard for him to go to therapy- he is afraid they won't be able to help him- I am alone, feeling sometimes dejected, this man means everything to me- but I feel helpless in this situation- anybody going through rough times that wants to talk- I am all ears- any suggestion on how to keep myself positive and help him to get through this??????????????????????????//
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 12:01am
I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time with your Husband. I think the best thing that he can do is to seek Counseling with you. He has to address his emotional problems, and learn to work through them, in a healthy way. It sounds to me that he has had a lot of pain and hurt in his life, and because of that he has retreated into a place in his mind where he feels "safe". He needs to get the self-esteem, and self-confidence and be able to trust those around him to keep him "safe", and be able to love him. He needs to learn how to accept the love that you are trying to give him. He is pushing you away, because he has a hard time dealing with his pain....I hope you both get counseling, and your Husband gets treatment for his own good.

I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 12:52am

you are not crazy, neither of you are crazy, but you both have issues, and you both need help - individually and as a couple. there is nothing wrong with going to therapy, but if neither of you want to get help - this relationship will just continue on the roller coaster cycle, only the ups and downs and twists and turns will get worse and worse each time. how do i know? btdt..... my STBX has a lot of different issues, i don't even know what the "official" problem is, because he never went to get help, but the symptoms are definately depression, addiction to painkillers/tranquilizers, lying, lack of sexual life, etc.... loving a person - if you do indeed "love" him, and not just feel sorry for him - is not enuf.


this is a choice that you have to make - you either accept him (and the marriage ) *as is*, or you move on. if he does not want to get help - he won't, and you can't force him to get help, and you can't *do this* for him either (oh dear, how do i know? because truly i have tried every which way to "help" my STBX, and nothing worked).


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:44am
I hope i am not too laste with this reply.our My wife was diagnosed with clinical depression 3 months ago and at the same time left to stay with her sister. Altho she comes home on weekends to stay with me, i fear the same thoughts you do. She has been on meds for these 3 months also and i have seen a great improvement in her but she yet feels like she needs her time away thru the week. A week ago her doctor told her she needs counseling and that angered her. I have talked with her to seek counseling, as i am, to understand what and why she feels this was. One other thing, she has turned to other men to talk which upsets me, so i have told her, try talking to a professional whose interest is u getting better, not a personal interest. I alos would like you to know that i love my wife very much and for 3 months ahve been her lifeline, but i am beggining to wonder if it is the depression or something else causing her to stay away thru the week...Good Luck Wally