Am I demanding too much?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2004
Am I demanding too much?
3
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 9:32am
I am 26 going on 27 and have been married for 6 and a half years. I think I still love my husband, I am just so angry and restful that I can't tell anymore. My husband is currently unemployed and has been since January. I was okay with it in the beginning because he was going to school full time and he was recieveing unemployment. He was also to take care of the house too, since I would be working overtime. Well, he forgets to turn in his unemployment, stopping entirely this week, rarely does anything around the house and is in a bad mood most of the time. He rarely has ever done anything around the house thoughout our marriage. And he has never been very dependable. He has had 6 jobs in 6 and a half years and was fired from 3 of them. He likes sales becuase he assumes he is going to make a bundle of money, forgetting you have to work hard for it. Now he does have ADD, and I can testify that it is a pain, but the most he has ever done for it is go to our inept PCP and have the doc perscribe him Wellbutrin (he told the doc what to give him). He has only seen a Pysch once during our marriage.

Now, in the old days, I would have told him where to go and walk out the door and that would be that, but there are complications. One, I have a five year old son. I am a child of divorce and I'm Catholic. It kills me inside to think of putting my son through this. Second, thoughout our marriage and various financial difficulties, my bills were the ones to suffer. I would work the overtime or get the second job, but I have always been last on the list. We bought my Grandmother's house almost two years ago when she past away and moved to be closer to my family. I don't think I could get the credit to have the house in my name only. I don't want to lose this house. It is my house. It's my income that has paid the house payment. Third, it is partly my fault. I allowed myself, my interests and my needs to be last. I am partly to blame. Fourth, my husband ruptured a disc in his back last weekend. He is up and walking, and is going into the doctor for shots starting tomorrow.

I gave my husband a contract to sign. It stated that we would split household and son expenses 50/50, and we would be responsible for all bills in our own name. This would start as of July 1st, to give him time to find a job and get better. We would get our own bank accounts and I would handle all household expenses (I refuse to allow this house to default). He is now angry with me. I want to tell him it is this or he needs to leave, but he is both sick and in school and I feel guilty. It was his back injury that made me realize I could totally do this myself. So, am I being to harsh? I helped to create this mess, is it a case of you made the bed, now lie in it? What do I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 10:37am
holly...

From the sound of all the "issues" in your post...Pianoguy is amazed you are still in one piece!

Unfortunately...your husband is in the position that many guys are in...he can't hold a job for very long! Add the back problem, the meds and his ADD...and you've got additional frustrations to face! However....

You've already made up your mind that you could totally handle the house, the expenses and the job of rearing a 5-year old son. Pianoguy senses that you would like to exercise this option and just kick the man out? Maybe it seems like you're "caring for 2 children" instead of one?

But there's also a compassionate side to your behavior. Are you concerned as to how your son will handle the absence of his Father...in the event you ask "Dad" to leave? You didn't indicate if the two of them are close. This might be a sticky point when your 5-year old becomes a teenager!

While the 50/50 contract idea is a workable solution (at least for now)...how can you enforce it? How can your man pay half the expenses if he's not holding a job? Since there are also 'negative feelings on your side' concerning his health, finances and lack of responsibility...do you HONESTLY want to live with him under the same roof?

It also doesn't sound like there's much love between you.

Check your town's directory for social workers or (better yet) free legal advice. A detached 3rd party might be able to offer a few suggestions that'll help you both? At this point...it's better to exercise the options that won't cost you a great deal of money!

Best of luck in whatever decision you make.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 1:42am
No, I don't think you are demanding too much.

Nor do I think you deserve the amount of blame you are putting on yourself. Where would we be if we couldn't give our all to our families? It would be a shame to have to go into a marriage with the absolute 50/50 rule, but you are clearly being forced into the situation.

I'm not sure if you've tried this but perhaps a way to remove his anger with your latest strategy would be to ask him what he is willing to offer your relationship. If he cannot come up with an offer that is as fair as your offer, he will be making it quite clear that he doesn't care to contribute as an adult to the household.

The previous post was quite correct in saying you need to ensure your contract is carried through. Do you think it would be reasonable to tell him you wish to look at how it's going in about three months after? You can't be made guilty if you've made it clear what you want.

In regards to his health and employment concerns, I can't help but think they are interrelated and together will spiral into further health and emotional issues. Unless he takes a reality check on his attitude and motivation he is probably heading for another accident soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 3:10pm
I think the contract is a fabulous idea. You are not asking him to do anything that you, yourself are not willing to do. I think It is definately necessary in this situation to set boundries. I think it is very mature and healthy to expect a 50/50 partnership with your husband. A lot of time's men will say, "I didn't know that's what you wanted" even though we've told them over and over. He will never be able to say that. There is nothing unbalanced about your request. The only reason he could possibly have for not happily signing is that it foils his plan to have you shoulder all the burden and play second fiddle to his life. Extremely selfish. Your only asking him to be a responsible adult. Why would he baulk at that unless that's not what he wants to be. It is undenighable that he will know what he has to do to remain married to you. Good for you!

Now, if he does not step up to the plate or if it is a constant battle, he must live with the consequences. Are you prepared for that? Frankly, if this is as good as it gets, I don't see why you'd *want* to stay.

You already know that you can do this on your own. Your son can have a realtionship with both of you whether you are together or not. I can't speak to your Catholic issues. Financially, where I live, you get what you came in with. Unless otherwise contracted, all assets and debt accumulated while together gets split 50/50. You could take your share in the form of your Granny's house and he could get other assets.

You're to blame? He's to blame? It really does not matter who holds the majority of the blame for getting to this point. The point is that you are here and you want things to change so you've implimented a plan. Good for you.

I feel bad for your husband and his back. Very painful. I think you will be fair in allowing extenuating circumstances to guide the rigidity necessary.

Good luck and keep looking up^, Susan.

Did not preview and would have posted more but, lightnings in the air - I'm shutting down...