am I depraved?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
am I depraved?
3
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 7:42pm
Recently, I asked my girlfriend of five years to marry me, we are still in college and I didn't expect an actual ceremony, but rather to just be engaged and to worry about all that stuff later, after college. I just felt that of 5 years I was a little more than just a boyfriend and she was a little more than just a girlfriend. When I proposed, she laughed at me and thought the idea was ridculous. I told her I was serious and that we didn't have to do everything at once, but just to show our commitment. She said she'd think about it and later said flat no. I really felt pathetic, the girl i'd been with for a little more than 5 years wouldn't even marry me or consider me seriously.

I started thinking of dating other people, maybe find someone more akin, with that "connection," someone I could hold actual conversations with, we really don't talk that much together. After that we kept dating but I kept reflecting on it, I just felt different towards her and for the first time in a long time, the fear of being alone was not paralyzing.

I was always, all my life, afraid of ending up alone and now it doesn't seem so terrible. She is a really sweet and good person and has always looked out for me and been there for me and always tries to keep up on things to make our relatinship a little better. I feel nothing negative toward her at all. But, I want to break up with her and not date for awhile, be on my own for awhile. I am afraid though, that maybe I am really just looking for someone else and will feel this way after being with them as long and that I am just being foolish and should consider that I have a stable relationship with a good woman that may accept my hand when I have a stable job, and I am afraid because I have never broken up with a girl and I have been with her for so long, the thought really scares me, even though I really feel like i don't belong with her anymore, I also know that she does care about me a lot, even though she doesn't always have the words, and I don't want to think of her hurting? I just want to do the right thing and and not let my inexperience, ignorance and clouded judgement hurt something good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 8:16pm
Hi,

You said that when you proposed she laughed at you and thought the idea was ridculous and after thinking about it she gave you a flat no. You should not feel pathetic. I think you in your sincerity and committment to this relationship wanted to show her you were serious and I think that even as you are still in college, because you have been together for 5 years it was a great thing to do. I am not happy to hear that she laughed at you and then gave you a flat no. If I were you I would seriously consider moving on. Any woman (or man) who laughs after having been asked a most important question does not deserve you. You said you feel different towards her and for the first time in a long time, the fear of being alone was not paralyzing. I am glad to hear that... I think you will be fine if you break away from her even if for a while. As I woman I can tell you that if you do break up with her, she is going to realize that SHE had a good thing going and may just do a 180. Staying with her after what she has done is allowing her to step on your feelings. I think she needs a good dose of reality... like a bucket of cold water in her face.. metaphorically of course. Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 8:23pm

It sounds like after five years, the only thing holding you two together is time. I agree that she should have given you more serious consideration. If she wanted to say no, thats fine, shes entitled to her feelings and isnt obligated to say yes, but there is a way to turn down a proposal tactfully.


I would consider your future with this woman and consider other options because it seems like you may be on different pages.


I feel for you and am sorry it didnt work out the way you expected, but things have a way of working themselves out and I am a firm beleiver that everything happens for a reason.


Best wishes,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 12:45pm
It sounds like you have your head on straight. There are alot of guys out there that have a fear of commitment and you shouldn't feel pathetic at all. It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do. Sometimes we aren't sure if we need to be in a relationship or alone. If you want to marry her and made that perfectly clear and she isin't on the same page with you, maybe you should break it off. Go with your gut feelings, if it is meant to be it will be.