Am I doing the right thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Am I doing the right thing?
6
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 8:28pm
Hey Everyone--

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months now. He is an awesome guy and of course, I have very strong feelings for him. He's voiced some concerns about the amount of time we have spending together. So we've decided to take a break or give each other some space. Our break however includes still talking to each other, emails, hanging out, etc. We talk on a daily basis and I've seen him twice since we started our break which was four days ago.

At first I was really hurt by the idea of taking a break - and thought it must be me, etc. But I have come to realize that our relationship did develop quite quickly and we were spending too much time with each other.

Since our break I have cooled things off - but have still been receptive to him - I wait for him to call, or initiate plans.

My question is -- even though we are spending less time with each other, I wonder if we should be spending time together at all? If this is a break. I want him to find it within himself that he misses me - and wants to be together in order to further our relationship.

I am uncertain that if we are still spending time with each other if he will gain that perspective of wanting to be with me or not... maybe it is a ridiculous thing to say - I don't know. Or maybe I have read to many "rubber-band theories" to think clearly on this one.

All I know is that I want to make the right decision and I want this relationship to work out. It totally stands the chance.

So -- I am just wondering if this is a case "where absence makes the heart grow fonder" works best or just a space issue that needs a breather because I was suffocating him? In which case I can just follow his lead. Hope that made some sense.

Any insight would be helpful..

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:09pm
Personally, a break wouldn't work for me. I feel like it's weaning you towards the inevitable and/or that being on a break, allow him to have his cake and eat it too.


Hopefully someone else will have some good advice for you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:37pm
Since you and your boyfriend have been seeing each other, have you guys had a night where you didn't spend together, i.e. a boys/girls night out? I find that it helps even to be apart for one night is good, it makes you miss the other person. Did he ask to have time away from you? Did he give any reason? I don't know if i'm helping, so, i'm stopping now
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 11:02pm
thanks for the replies --

first, this is most definitely not a situation where he is getting his cake -- we've backed off from all physical intimacy. i'm not that old -- but i have enough grey hairs to be smart with my heart -- and continuing to have sex while on break -- is a no-no.

so agreed.

since we've been together - it has been non-stop. we make dinners together, sleep overs, basically we end up spending all our free time together or with each other's friends.

he asked for the break -- because he was feeling like things happened too quickly. and since being in this break period - i too have realized that we have been spending too much time with each other and it would be good for the both of us to spend time apart.

but as i tried to explain -- we've still be in communication and things really haven't changed much in terms of the frequency of his calls. we still talk several times a day.

we're just not in each other's faces as much anymore.

i think when i initally posted i need to know that i was doing the right thing -- by still talking to him and seeing him on non-sexual basis -- or if i should be doing my own thing right now until our break is over?

he's not flaking out on me -or running away - he just wants to take a step back, which i agree with at this point - i just want to know if you guys think still talking is a good decision at this point.

i don't know. hope that answers some questions...

thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 9:02am
Personally, I don't understand why he'd need a break. If things are going well and you are having a great relationship, why take a break? I can see if there were problems and one person was starting to feel suffocated, then there must be issues. If there are issues, you need to discuss them openly and honestly and not say vague things such as we are spending too much time together. Instead of taking a break, why not set up a schedule where you agree to see one another a certain number of times a week, and then use the rest of the week to take care of your own personal things that need to be done, chores, errands, seeing family members, etc. That's if the fact that you are seeing each other so much is causing you or he to not take care of other important things. If that is not the reason, though, you need to find out why.

From your post, it seems (to me at least) that maybe you are not really sure why he asked for the break. Clearing this up will go a long way toward settling how much time you agree to spend with each other without either party feeling that it is too much time.

Good luck and let us know how things work out.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 9:04am

You say you were suffocating him - is that so? Did he feel that way? Is that why you're on a break? Do you feel that you were suffocating him? When a break is called in a relationship it's usually because things aren't feeling good and the parties want time and space to work it through. However, you need to know what it is that has caused the break in the first place. From your posting it sounds as though perhaps you called too often or wanted too much time together, I'm not sure exactly as you didn't say. At this point I would totally step back and take a good look at the situation myself. Define what it is you want in a relationship. Decide whether or not you were demanding too much. (Perhaps you were and perhaps he just wants a more distant relationship than you do). The best thing here is not to pursue him at all now, and let him come after you. If he doesn't miss you and want to come after you, then he is not the one for you. It's just that simple. As you say, there are some guys who bounce back and forth - and there are others who want a relationship and also want the freedom to do their own thing (which can even include dating others). All of this is vague in your case. What are the rules of this break? Is he dating? If so, don't see him at all during the break. If he just wants things to cool down a little and more time to himself, that's different. It's not really a "break" then, but stepping back and giving each other more personal time and space. The question is whether or not both of you are now free to date others. If you are both not dating, just cooling off a litle, then it's just a good idea to step back, let him take the lead and see what kind of rhythm he feels comfortable with. If he feels dating is fine now, then I would completely let go, as you are just being dangled on a string until he finds something more to his liking.


Be clear and have faith and respect for yourself.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:49am
Thanks again for the replies --

I guess I am prematuraly using the word "break." We have set guidelines - and dating other people isn't one of them. We talked about that. And he responded by saying that's not why he is interested in this time apart from each other. So I am not deluding myself by saying that this is a cooling off period. Thanks for clarifying for me. He didn't specifically say that I was "suffocating him." But from what I gather, I think he is just dying for some space by himself, for himself. We are both in graduate school, and unlike me he works - so his schedule is very tight. And since we began dating - he hasn't stopped and has made a lot of time for me in his life. We literarlly saw each other every night. So his point was that he was feeling stretched thin with too many things to do. He also worried that if he continued to go at this rate - he wouldn't be able to give me the respect and treat me the way I deserved. Which in our case has been true to a degree. Sometimes (in the recent past) when I have seen him, he has been distracted, and just not willing to be attentive. Yes, it absolutely hurts being in that position. But now, after taking this "cooling off period" I have realized I have contributed to him feeling that way.

I see him way too much.

I've never had a serious, wonderful, non-complantive relationship before. He truly is a find and I feel lucky we connect on all levels. I think in a way, I found his presence comforting to me. I loved knowing after work, I would meet up with him and we would make dinner - and even if we both had work to do - we would be doing it together.

But I am realizing big time, that this is me being dependent. I catch myself realizing that I have forgotten what my life used to be like when I was single. And most of us who have been in relationships, recongize that certain personal things start sliding non-intentionally.

We are supposed to be in this cooling off period for 3 weeks. But my female instincts - don't forsee this going that long. I can already sense him coming around or opening his heart. But the important thing for me to remember is how we got here - and continue to give our relationship space. Because that is the only way we'll make it.

So I am going to follow all of your head - and let him guide this - until it becomes the right time to re-evaluate our cooling off period.

I don't know if this is weird or not - but I have been really comfortable about all of this. For example, I am going to see a lecture tonight - and I didn't feel guilty that I wouldn't see him or we wouldn't have time together - something I probably would have forgone if we were not in our cooling off period. It is not the type of feeling where I am reconsidering being together - but realizing how much better our relationship will be if we actively give ourselves a chance to live our own lives. It makes it more interesting.

Okay - I feel like I've done alot of talking. I appreciate you all talking to me about this. I suppose I wouldn't be posting if it wasn't important to me. So I appreciate your help. :-)