Am I dumb or just too trusting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Am I dumb or just too trusting?
5
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 11:20am
Hi

I am new here on this board. My problem is, I just recently remarried about 6 months ago. Back when we were dating, I had a feeling that my husband had large debt, ie. Student loans, etc. He never was able to use his credit card such as when we went on a cruise and always had an excuse for not using it. One time, his electricity in his apartment was turned off. When I asked him if he had been paying his bill, he said yes, that the electric company made a mistake with the bill and required the entire budgeted bill be paid in full and that he was only to pay on it monthly. Then, he had to take his car off the road and turn in his plates, I have a feeling that it was due to non-payment of his car insurance. When we were engaged, I asked him about his debt, what he owes and what his liabilities were, so that I could have a handle on this. He just said "Oh just a couple of student loans"

Now, we are married. I started getting a bit nervous and kept asking him for figures of how much he owes, so that I can project our obligations. For 6 months now, he has made excuses why he has not followed up on this. Yet, he repeatedly has asked me to put him on my health insurance, put the car loans in my name, put the YMCA membership in my name, put the credit cards in my name. (He still can’t get credit) I have consulted a lawyer, who states that I am not obligated for his loans prior to the marriage, however, if he owes, it is less money in the pot for us.

I have since received a credit report on him, and what do you know, he owes big time (to the tune of over $70,000 if I read this correctly) and has not disclosed any of this to me and has been covering it up.

He even is started to question my whereabouts when I go places, being suspicious and questioning what I write checks for. He is starting to be a controller in my life. My biggest concern however, is that he is not being truthful with me about his finances. Am I stupid or just too trusting?

Any advice or suggestions is most grateful. Thank you and God Bless,

Nan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 11:32am
Well, it's just that you want a particular "feeling" and you're willing to ignore facts to get it temporarily - to your long-term destruction.

The fact that he accepts "large debt as an acceptable status quo" - simply tells you that he'll run bothh of you into debt, and quite likely it'll be YOU that ends up paying off if you want credit - should you two split up at some point.

Now...in my estimation he lied but ONLY when he said a couple of student loans. If indeed you're finding massive credit card debt - he outright lied to you. He lied so that he'd benefit via your alliance. That would put me into divorce court - simply because I know precisely waht it means - I lived thru a couple of marriages where they told me what they wanted me to know, knowing that it would inspire me to do what I did (sign more loan papers for joint debt), and knowing that I wouldn't "check up" on anything because "I wanted so much to have the 'ideal marriage' I refused to acknowledge i wasn't with an honest and trustworthy partner."

But, if $70k by his terms is small -when he said the debt amount is small, then it is. And really $70k is small - depending on your joint income and living standard now.

But it does mean that he finds "debt" to be an acceptable state...and he finds debt that incapacitates him in some ways, and debt that does eliminate some of his options (such as credit and all it would offer in the future) is a "acceptable" status quo to him.

If it's not an acceptable status quo to you - realize by staying with him that no matter how much you monitor, control, and nag and complain - it's not going to change the fact that he will run "you both" into great debt.

And if he doesn't hold a job, if you don't live in a state that'll garnish wages for civil debt if it's court ordered repayment, and if live in a state where your "joint debt" will be held against each of you in full until it is completely paid by one or obht parties - you're screwed as far as your credit goes for any foreseeable period of time - if you stay with him.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 11:49am
I agree completely. I'm not sure why you went ahead and married him if you had all these feelings he was lying to you. The lifestyle he was accepting for himself and ok with being in is the same lifestyle he'll be accepting for you both as a couple now....he's still going to be ok with it, even happier since now he's got you to sponge off of. There's only one way you can get out of this now, really. Divorce. Next time listen to your gut and don't bury your head in the sand, hoping you're wrong. Find out for sure BEFORE making major life decisions like marriage. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 12:26pm
Honestly, I don't believe that 70k in student loans is really a big issue nowadays. I have a number of friends who have substantially more than that if they have graduate degrees and such. Sure, it's a lot, but it is manageable. I would be more concerned with encouraging him in his career and cutting back on unnecessary expenses for the time being. Are you eating out at restaurants a lot, or otherwise spending beyond your means? Depending upon his line of work and other factors this 70k may be a minor issue to your financial well being in the long run. Maybe he was afraid to tell you, not because he thought it was a lot for himself to maintain, but because he felt insecure about you leaving him if you knew he wouldn't be able to take you out all the time.

Sit down with him and work out a budget. You know that there are loans out there, but it isn't something that the two of you can work through together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 1:31pm
Maybe a tad too trusting, but not dumb. You were smart enough to run a credit check on him.

Make an appt with a financial advisor.... before you do (or at the same time) take your husband out of the house. Tell him - I love you. I'm married to you and I want use to be partners and work together to pay down debt. I know my requests for info have been avoided. I understand that you might be embarassed to share this info with me, but it's an absolute must if our marriage is going to work. Ask him, how accurate is this? Tell him you want to go to a financial advisor AND a marriage counselor and until the two of you go, do NOT put another thing in your name until he knows how much this is affecting the marriage.

While I think lying is the worst, hidding his credit from you when you are suppose to be his partner, I can also understand his feelings of inadequacy, fear, and embarassment. However, the other issues of trust, questioning your whereabouts, being suspicious must also be addressed. Maybe they are a reflection of himself - he knows he's hiding things and lying to you, so maybe he's assuming you are doing the same thing.

I hope you find a way to talk to him. Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 1:45pm
Oops,

meant to say:

"but it IS something that the two of you can work through together" not "ISN'T".

Hope you didn't dump him because of my typo.