Am I dumb or just too trusting?
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| Fri, 02-27-2004 - 11:20am |
I am new here on this board. My problem is, I just recently remarried about 6 months ago. Back when we were dating, I had a feeling that my husband had large debt, ie. Student loans, etc. He never was able to use his credit card such as when we went on a cruise and always had an excuse for not using it. One time, his electricity in his apartment was turned off. When I asked him if he had been paying his bill, he said yes, that the electric company made a mistake with the bill and required the entire budgeted bill be paid in full and that he was only to pay on it monthly. Then, he had to take his car off the road and turn in his plates, I have a feeling that it was due to non-payment of his car insurance. When we were engaged, I asked him about his debt, what he owes and what his liabilities were, so that I could have a handle on this. He just said "Oh just a couple of student loans"
Now, we are married. I started getting a bit nervous and kept asking him for figures of how much he owes, so that I can project our obligations. For 6 months now, he has made excuses why he has not followed up on this. Yet, he repeatedly has asked me to put him on my health insurance, put the car loans in my name, put the YMCA membership in my name, put the credit cards in my name. (He still can’t get credit) I have consulted a lawyer, who states that I am not obligated for his loans prior to the marriage, however, if he owes, it is less money in the pot for us.
I have since received a credit report on him, and what do you know, he owes big time (to the tune of over $70,000 if I read this correctly) and has not disclosed any of this to me and has been covering it up.
He even is started to question my whereabouts when I go places, being suspicious and questioning what I write checks for. He is starting to be a controller in my life. My biggest concern however, is that he is not being truthful with me about his finances. Am I stupid or just too trusting?
Any advice or suggestions is most grateful. Thank you and God Bless,
Nan

The fact that he accepts "large debt as an acceptable status quo" - simply tells you that he'll run bothh of you into debt, and quite likely it'll be YOU that ends up paying off if you want credit - should you two split up at some point.
Now...in my estimation he lied but ONLY when he said a couple of student loans. If indeed you're finding massive credit card debt - he outright lied to you. He lied so that he'd benefit via your alliance. That would put me into divorce court - simply because I know precisely waht it means - I lived thru a couple of marriages where they told me what they wanted me to know, knowing that it would inspire me to do what I did (sign more loan papers for joint debt), and knowing that I wouldn't "check up" on anything because "I wanted so much to have the 'ideal marriage' I refused to acknowledge i wasn't with an honest and trustworthy partner."
But, if $70k by his terms is small -when he said the debt amount is small, then it is. And really $70k is small - depending on your joint income and living standard now.
But it does mean that he finds "debt" to be an acceptable state...and he finds debt that incapacitates him in some ways, and debt that does eliminate some of his options (such as credit and all it would offer in the future) is a "acceptable" status quo to him.
If it's not an acceptable status quo to you - realize by staying with him that no matter how much you monitor, control, and nag and complain - it's not going to change the fact that he will run "you both" into great debt.
And if he doesn't hold a job, if you don't live in a state that'll garnish wages for civil debt if it's court ordered repayment, and if live in a state where your "joint debt" will be held against each of you in full until it is completely paid by one or obht parties - you're screwed as far as your credit goes for any foreseeable period of time - if you stay with him.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Sit down with him and work out a budget. You know that there are loans out there, but it isn't something that the two of you can work through together.
Make an appt with a financial advisor.... before you do (or at the same time) take your husband out of the house. Tell him - I love you. I'm married to you and I want use to be partners and work together to pay down debt. I know my requests for info have been avoided. I understand that you might be embarassed to share this info with me, but it's an absolute must if our marriage is going to work. Ask him, how accurate is this? Tell him you want to go to a financial advisor AND a marriage counselor and until the two of you go, do NOT put another thing in your name until he knows how much this is affecting the marriage.
While I think lying is the worst, hidding his credit from you when you are suppose to be his partner, I can also understand his feelings of inadequacy, fear, and embarassment. However, the other issues of trust, questioning your whereabouts, being suspicious must also be addressed. Maybe they are a reflection of himself - he knows he's hiding things and lying to you, so maybe he's assuming you are doing the same thing.
I hope you find a way to talk to him. Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie
meant to say:
"but it IS something that the two of you can work through together" not "ISN'T".
Hope you didn't dump him because of my typo.