Am I foolish?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Am I foolish?
1
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 10:59am
Please, please could someone give me some advice as my friends have given up on me now.

I have been seeing a man since the beginning of April, but we met in October last year. (by the way, I apologise if this is a long story). And at first when I met him, I didn't really fancy him, so would just kiss him and then he came chasing after me the following weekend looking for my number. He seemed really keen. Then we finally got together properly in April. As soon as I became keen though, he sort of became a bit unreliable. He is 5 years older than me (I'm 29) and has not had a relationship in 12 years. He was hurt very badly by his first ever girlfriend.

We've had some right ups and downs. He has always maintained that he loves me and he hasn't felt this happy in 12 years. He said to me that I make him feel alive and when he is with me he is happy and when he is not he isn't. But the thing is, he gets suffocated really easily. I wouldn't see him all week, then it would be a case of seeing him at the weekends. His friends all said to me that they haven't seen him this happy in years. Well, about a month or two ago, things started to go really sour. Basically he said to me that he couldn't commit to me 100% but he loved me more than anything in the world, so I finished with him. Then he came back to me and said that he'd realised that he couldn't live without me and he loved me so much. We got back together and he was reliable for about a week, then the weekend came round and we spent it together and I started putting pressure on him, we rowed about how I always go on and on about my ex, then we just had a really crap weekend. Then on the Monday night he asked me to go round there and I did and he wasn't there. No phone call or nothing. So I just thought to myself, I've got to get over it. Three weeks later I bumped into him and we got back together once more and he brought me flowers, said how much he loved me etc, etc. Next morning I was putting pressure on him saying that I needed a gaurantee that he was going to be reliable, he said he couldn't give me that and I basically told him to get lost.

That was three weeks ago, now the weekend just gone he bumped into my sister in town and started saying again how much he thinks the world of me, still loves me etc and my sister said that he hadn't treated me with any respect and that if he did really love me, he should ring me when he was sober the next morning. He said to my sister that he couldn't gaurantee that he wouldn't hurt me again and my sister said to him not to bother then and to get on with it, but he'll never have anything in his life except beer and his mates. He did ring me when he got home that night and I went round to see him (chasing him, I know, I know) and he was basically saying that after a good chat with my sister he had been brought down to earth. He loves me more than he's ever loved anyone and he wants to be how I want him to be. I said to him that he best not hurt me again and he promised that he wouldn't. Sunday morning when I got up, I was due to be going to a party that day and he said "Can anyone come?" and then said that he was going to come and see me, but he'd ring me first, which he did. We met up and spent sunday evening together. He kept saying to me over and over how much he loved me and I don't know, I might be a fool, but the way he looks into my eyes and holds me - I just think he is telling the truth.

However, my friends and my mother think I am barmy and that he is using me. I don't know what for though, cos we hardly ever make love, and he always pays for everything when we go out.

He actually rang me when he said he was going to on Monday night too. I just said I'd speak to him soon and left it at that. The thing is, that I've thought to myself that the way I am going to play it now is that I'm going to back off, not make any arrangements with him, let him to do the suggesting of when to see each other and not ask where it is going, then hopefully he'll get used to having a girlfriend and not feel so suffocated. Is this the right attitude to have? that is what I am wondering or am I setting myself up for a fall.

He has said to me that he feels as though he wants to be with me all the time but when he is he feels a bit suffocated sometimes and he gets scared by commitment. He is not in the slightest way a womaniser. I have witnessed with my own eyes (before I went out with him) him turning women down.

Am I doing the right thing singing to his tune for a little while in the hopes that eventually he get used to having someone in his life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
In reply to:
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 2:51pm
It doesn't sound very wise to get back with someone you already know you cannot trust. You are opening your heart up for him, with the high potential for it to be broken again...be careful!