Am I a horrible person?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Am I a horrible person?
3
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 12:54pm
Hi. I'm new to this board but not to other ivillage boards. I have been reading some of your posts to try to get some understanding about my own situation. I have been wondering if my situation is normal. I have been going to counseling and my husband and I have been going to marriage counseling.

There has been a lot that has happened in our relationship over the past 4 years. DH went back to school to get his Bachelor's, we had our wonderful little son, dh was laid off for 4-5 months, and he lost a set of grandparents and I lost my father all within 5 weeks of each other. During this time, my dh was a bear, understandably so. However, there was a lot of verbal abuse towards me on his part. He would get really angry and say things that would make me feel like I was an inch tall. My feelings were hurt so many times but I knew he loved me but that he had a lot on his plate so I kept sticking it out and doing things to make his life easier.

Well, last year I left him in April (he graduated in May). I had had enough. He told me that he didn't understand why I left because he didn't beat me up, wasn't an alcoholic, and didn't commit adultery. He really is a good guy. I tried telling him and he said that he had changed, now that he didn't have all of that pressure. He said that he loved me more now than he did when we got married. Of course I feel the exact opposite. I don't love him as much as I did when we got married. It makes me sick to my stomach to feel like that but I do. He even told me that while he was going to school that he had though about leaving me. I think it was because I wasn't loving or appreciative enough. I don't know. I don't resent him as much as I used to with the help of counseling and marriage counseling. I am just scared to trust him again with my feelings. What if something major happens to us again? Will he revert to his old ways again? He has a short temper as it is. I am a patient person. I moved back in with him this year in March to see if we couldn't try this again. Well, 3 months later and I still don't feel the connection, I respect him but I don't have the loving feelings I used to have for him. I do love him. He is the father of my child and we spent almost half of our lives together (12 years--we are both 28). There's just no connection. I know that I changed A LOT while we were separated. I got more independent, more confident, and started speaking my mind more.

After all of that rambling, am I a bad person for ending up like this? We have stopped marriage counseling because that counselor wanted to do individual counseling with me for a while and then go back to marriage counseling later but I told him I was already receiving individual counseling. BTW, this man is a Christian counselor and thought I should stop seeing my other counselor that I have been seeing off and on for 2 years because she wasn't a Christian counselor. This man has made me feel so bad in some of our sessions that I no longer feel comfortable with him. I am going to continue seeing my counselor. I am comfortable with her. I am a Christian, or atleast I try to be the best one I can, so I'm not putting down spiritual counseling.

From what I have told you all, am I normal? Does this happen in relationships to where you try a 2nd time and it doesn't work out? I know it does but what about the way it is in my situation?

I'm sorry if this is confusing but any input would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks for listening if you got this far.

J

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 1:15pm
Yes, you are very normal. It is very normal to lose an attraction or feel a loss of romantic feelings for someone who belittles you and puts you down. Many women end up feeling this way when they are going through emotional abuse. And that is what you went through. I know many men like to say that it shouldn't be a big deal because they haven't actually put their hands on you or cheated, but it is a big deal. Emotional abuse erodes self esteem, feelins of self worth, and can leave you feeling as bruised and as drained as physical abuse.

I read a book once that I think you would really benefit from. It's called "Love Busters" by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. He is a Christian marriage counselor who came up with the theory of a "love bank" (there is a website that gives you the basic idea but I suggest the book)...here's the link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html.



Dr. Harley describes love in the form of a bank account. When you first meet someone, they are trying to show you their best traits and so they keep doing things that make your feelings for them grow (i.e. depositing positive points in their love bank that resides in your heart). However, when they do things that hurt you, you withdraw love points or units from their account. When a person's account (in your heart) gets to the point that they are withdrawing more units then they are putting in, that is when the feeling of not being in love comes into play. It's like when you're overdrawn on your bank account but you keep writing checks. There's nothing in there to cover the checks and your balance keeps getting lower and lower until your account is completely shut down due to a too negative balance. Dr. Harley says love operates in the same manner.

Judging by what you said, I'd say that your husband's constant criticisms withdrew too many units from his account with you and now, instead of trying to restore love by doing positive things, you are both in therapy dwelling on negative things already done. I think this book could be really beneficial to you because of the strategies Dr. harley suggests to get things back on track, restore trust, and restore love. If you're really willing to give your marriage another try and you truly want to get back the love you lost, I couldn't offer better advice than this book. Good luck! :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 8:43am
Goodfellagal, thanks for you advice. It is funny, the 'love bank' was something that our marriage counselor talked about. :) He said that for women, the love bank can be filled with saying nice things and being affectionate. With men, the love bank can be filled with sex. Is that what this author says too? Just curious.

Thanks again. :)

J


Edited 6/8/2004 9:00 am ET ET by jh12

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 11:00am
Actually, he did say something about that. :o)

He mentioned how men and women see love and acts of love differently. Men view love as being taken care of. That's why men place such high value on domestication, home cooked meals, having sexual needs met....a man's first experience with love is the unconditional love supplied by a mother. And what do mothers do? We nurture and care for our boys, So that is what they look for in a woman and that is what they see as being loved.

Women, on the other hand, are shown love from fathers, who tell them how beautiful and special they are. How many little girls know daddy loves them because he calls them princess? Women equate love with being adored and appreciated, which is shown by making gestures that prove you are thinking of them. Flowers for no reason, a well-placed compliment...all serve to validate a woman because you are showing her that she matters above all others to you.

Now, I'm gonna play fake shrink here (*smile*) but I think that is why women view infidelity as such a bigger deal than men seem to think it is. If a man cheats, he can honestly believe it has nothing to do with taking love away from his wife because he still provides for her (i.e. a man's version of love - taking care of her), and he's still there in her presence (also a man's version of love - rassurance that he can be counted on). But if a woman views love as being placed above all others, how can she still feel loved if another has taken part of her attention away? That's why I loved the concept when I first read it. You're made to sit down with your partner and clarify what love means to you, not just what love means in a general sense.

I know I ramble sometimes, but I hope I've at least given you a little info to get you started on your way to rebuilding what once was. I wish you many blessings and a calmed spirit. No one said marriage was gonna be easy. :o)