Am I just insecure?
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Am I just insecure?
| Fri, 09-12-2008 - 1:24am |
About a year ago now I started talking to this guy online. We'd known of each other for a while but we'd never really gotten to know each other. By chance one day we started talking and got to know each other over the next couple of months. He would tell me he loved me and I was flattered and a bit unsure about his affections. In December he finally told me he loved me romantically which I had suspected all along so we started a relationship. Our relationship was great until about May when I stopped talking to him as much for a couple of weeks. After he spoke to me about it I apologized and told him that we'd start talking more. He asked me if things could be the way the were again and I told him that of course they could. The next day he broke up with me. About a week later we got back together. He said if we could see each other and meet more often maybe it would work out so I made plans to go and see him. I was only able to see him for two days and in those two days all we did was make out. We didn't go anywhere or do anything like normal people. We just made out and watched a movie. I was happy nevertheless, until he told me to lie to his aunt about who I was. He'd told me he would tell her something as close to the truth as possible, but he didn't feel comfortable telling her everything which I was okay with. Instead, he told me he panicked when they asked and told them the first thing that came to mind, which was that I was a classmate. The truth is I am a couple of years older than him. I'm a junior in college and he is now a freshman. I go to a college in Florida and he goes to a college in Oklahoma. He had applied to my college hoping to get in but they rejected him. He's also lied to his parents about me. He said they were teasing him about the calls so he lied telling them I was a boy named Zack who he played video games online with. We have three friends in common who play online games with us. We never told them about our relationship because we didn't want to make things awkward inside the group, but as far as I know there is only one person that he knows offline who knows he has a girlfriend. She doesn't even know my name. Pictures that we took when I went to visit him, he doesn't want me to put them up on my facebook. He says it's all because he doesn't feel the need to air our private business in public. I feel like he's ashamed that he met a girl online and he doesn't want his friends and family knowing about it. Well we've broken up and gotten back together a couple times since then. He insists that he loves me and wants to be with me but at the same time whenever I call him on the phone he is either curt or does not pay attention to me. I've called him crying several times and at this point I'm afraid I've deadened him entirely to my fears about our relationship, all this in the course of just a month. He used to adore me and be kind and loving, now I have fears that because I'm like this he doesn't want me. Sometimes I'm scared that he likes another girl. I know that long distance relationships are difficult. He's done cruel things with the intention of making me hate him. A lot of my friends and my mom says I just need to stop loving a fantasy and stop talking to him all together but I really love him and want to stay with him. I hope that at this point our relationship is still salvageable, I just need to know how to do it. Please help.

residular, I'm having a lot of trouble identifying the relationship you have as one where you really "Love" one another. Actually, to be honest I'm having trouble identifying it as a relationship at all.
The problem with what you have with this guy is a lack of quality time. Time spent talking on the phone/computer or just making out is not quality time, it doesn't build an emotional connection. Residular, this guy says he loves you because he really wants to feel love, not because he knows you well enough to truly be in love with you.
I've been where you are before and it goes nowhere. I know you don't want to admit it but it really is just kind of a fantasy; you have physical chemistry and the desire to be loved but that isn't enough. A long-distance relationship like this, when you're in college, drains your emotional energy and detracts from things you could be doing in your life. You say he's done cruel things to make you hate him - why doesn't that bother you enough to make you leave?
I think you need to take some time, look deep into your heart and try to understand why you are continuing to pursue this guy in spite of the bad things he does. I have a feeling that somehow, you are avoiding real intimacy with a man you can have a real relationship with because you can easily hold your fantasy Mr. Not-So-Perfect at arm's length and not have to suffer for it. An online relationship has the advantage of being whatever you want it to be because you don't need to nurture it, and it exists completely on the terms you want at your own convenience. A real relationship takes more consistent effort than this to maintain, and requires a higher degree of vulnerability when you can't hide behind a computer monitor, but it is much more rewarding.
I think you should stop talking to this guy because he is ultimately a waste of your time.
"Our relationship was great until about May when I stopped talking to him as much for a couple of weeks."
Why is that?
Welcome to the board reisdular,
You've been given some good advice and insight, I hope you can use some of it to help yourself.
He lies to his family, friends and wants to hide his 'personal business' - sorry hon, these are not the actions of a guy 'in love'.