Am I just naive? Or worse, Stupid?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Am I just naive? Or worse, Stupid?
7
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 6:19pm
My "fiance'" is telling me, now, that other women are setting-up wedding ceremonies to marry him that he either doesn't show-up for, or if they find him and drag him out of his house, he says "I don't" to. Does this sound utterly ridiculous to anyone besides me? Supposedly they're doing this because his ex-wife got him to marry her that way and he agreed because his parents supposedly didn't believe him that it wasn't his idea, too. I feel like I'm on a bad episode of the "Twilight Zone". Wait, it gets better.

Supposedly, he calls the police on my ex-husband whom I believe continually terrorizes us outside the windows at night but never gets caught because he has look-outs. Anyway, if my "so" calls them again, he says that the police won't believe him. The clincher is, however, that he says that one night he snuck-up behind my ex-husband, pulled his guns out of his pockets and bound and gagged him. Unfortunately, my ex's friends came up behind my "other", knocked him out and they all ran-off.

You would think that my "SO" would be slow or something, but in fact he makes 200+G a year. So as stupid as this may sound, I still wonder if I'm being taken for a ride. Why am I so gullible? Maybe it's hereditary.

Anyway, he says he wants to marry me, but I'm wondering if he's telling others the same. Then, when they try to make good on what he promised, he backs-out. There are a lot of men like this in the world, but how can I be so stupid? I really thought I was smarter than this. Also, he tells my kids that he's not their daddy when I'm not there, but that he is when I am. Did I just end-up with a bad case of shell fish poisoning and have a bad trip or what? I told him he's either Forest Gump or a...,I can't say it here, but it's not very nice.

It's even richer than this but I can't remember it all at the moment. Does anyone have any opinions or insights for me? All kidding aside, I'd really like to know, because at this point I'm getting to the place where I just don't care any more. Thanks a bunch!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 8:46pm
Whoa, back up....I think your *fiance* is the one that is stupid.

First, he's with you, right? So why in the world would

1) he tell you that other women are setting-up wedding ceremonies to marry him

2) be CLOSE enough to other women for them to know about trying to set up wedding ceremonies

3) where is he that they can find him and drag him out of his house, he says "I don't" to.

::Does this sound utterly ridiculous to anyone besides me?

Extremely RIDICULOUS!

::Supposedly they're doing this because his ex-wife got him to marry her that way and he agreed because his parents supposedly didn't believe him that it wasn't his idea, too.

Have you talked to his parents or the ex-wife about this? Sounds very far fetched to me. What person gets themselves in these types of situations? Meaning he didn't speak up for himself, yeah right? I don't buy it.

::Supposedly, he calls the police on my ex-husband whom I believe continually terrorizes us outside the windows at night but never gets caught because he has look-outs.

Hon, golightly, does he call the police? Have you heard him? So your ex is psycho too? Meaning he knows where you are, has enough 'help' / 'support' to have lookouts?

::The clincher is, however, that he says that one night he snuck-up behind my ex-husband, pulled his guns out of his pockets and bound and gagged him. Unfortunately, my ex's friends came up behind my "other", knocked him out and they all ran-off.

And let me guess, he didn't report being knocked out, didn't go to the hosptial to make sure he didn't have something majorily wrong with him from the attack?

::You would think that my "SO" would be slow or something, but in fact he makes 200+G a year.

So....what? he's bored with life? Likes to mess with your head? Or maybe he wants to see how gullible you are?

::So as stupid as this may sound, I still wonder if I'm being taken for a ride.

Sounds like it to me.

::Anyway, he says he wants to marry me, but I'm wondering if he's telling others the same.

Again, if he's with you, how does he have time for other women?

::Then, when they try to make good on what he promised, he backs-out.

Don't believe it until he puts a ring on your finger, sets a date AND makes some of the arrangements.

::Also, he tells my kids that he's not their daddy when I'm not there, but that he is when I am.

Why would you expose your children to someone like this? Someone that sends mixed signals to them and to you. Messing with you is one thing, but messing with your kids is another. Time for you to put their emotional well-being, their mental health first.

::because at this point I'm getting to the place where I just don't care any more.

When you really don't care anymore, you will move on without any prompting from any of us.

Good luck to you!!!


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 9:03pm
If you have to ask the questions.....then you already know the answer.....YES!

Why do you want all this drama in a relationship? Please explain what about him makes him a good life partner choice for you? Would you want your: sister, best friend or mother to marry a guy like this? If you couldn't recommend him to someone else, then why are you choosing him?

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:18am
He said he did call the police and went to the hospital the night my ex's friends alledgedly knocked him in the head. He said they believed him a little. It's very hard because he acts like he's as vulnerable as I am, but I can't be sure if he's just mirroring me or not. He did have to endure some very hard things in his childhood that might have made him kind of passive. His ex-wife was abusive I guess, hit him, even broke his nose once or twice and would cry for two plus days until he bought her what she wanted. She also belittled him and cheated on him constantly. Women are aggressive with him because his ex-wife tells them about him, he says. He says he doesn't encourage them. I guess he's not in his house when they find him, he's playing outside with his kids. A bunch of people man-handle him and he calls the police on them. Sometimes the people go to jail.

He spends a lot of time with me, bought a big enough house for all nine of us and a 12 passenger van, but he also has money to mess with. I just can't understand why he'd want to mess with me this much. It's tempting to believe him, but then my incredulity gets the better of me.

As far as my children, they thought he was joking. He likes to tease and joke around with them when I'm not around, I guess. Still, it seems a little weak.

It's all very scary because I know he could really be messing with my mind. I've never been very strong because of my terribly abusive childhood. So how do I ever learn to trust someone? Should I try to trust him despite the fact that when I'm with him I feel good but when we're apart, doubts creep-in? Most of the time we get along very well, seem to have the same values and have a lot in common. I usually only write the worst because I'm upset at the time. Do I believe what he says or what he does? Growing-up, people seemed to always say the right thing and do the wrong. Now he seems to say the wrong thing but do the right. Sometimes, people can be set-up to look bad, so I just don't know for sure and don't want to jump to conclusions.

I probably just made this more complicated and I don't want to write a book. I appreciate what you've had to say. I should tell the whole story, however. Things can seem a lot different based on what information is given. Not that I expect you to change your mind necessarily, but I'd like to trust him if he's sincere and another victim like myself. I just can't hardly see how that could be. However, he's very empathetic and soft-hearted with me, tears-up regularly. Maybe he is just kind of a sweet push-over, but what are the odds? Thanks for caring!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:34am
Your questions are valid and worthy of a response. I guess I love him because he is so supportive of me emotionally. If I can believe what he says, he's a great guy. It just sounds too fantastic to be believed a lot of times. I explained it a lot to itwinflame. No one has ever helped me as much as he has, nor encouraged me nor helped my self-esteem as much. It's hard to believe that someone who's done so much for me could really be an enemy. I've had a lot of enemies, and they've all treated me terribly. My fiance' says others treat him terribly, also, and I can certainly empathize with that. I would recommend him to anyone I thought well-enough of. Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:19pm
I would have to be there to actually hear his voice and see his manorisms (sp?) and such.. but how much of this is a show? Sarcasm? Simply to get a rise out of you? My bf is VERY sarcastic ALL the time. Drives me NUTS somedays... Just a thought. You are there to hear and see what he says and does... any sarcasm?? It all sounds SOOO bizzare...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 5:29pm
Guess I should up-date everybody that my ex-husband is in jail! My fiance' called the police and got him nabbed for being around our windows. I am so relieved! Thanks everyone for writing-in!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 6:32pm
Yeah!!! That makes all the stories believable!


Carrie