Am I just stupid?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Am I just stupid?
7
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 1:22am
I'm a 29 yr old female with three children. I've been with my boyfriend for seven years now. I can't even begin to address what I have been through. The truth be told, I've never met his family. He has never took me to his parents house. About two years ago I intorduced myself to his father in person because we just so happen to be in the same meeting. I called his mother on the phone. He had never told them about at the time our son(5) and don't believe they know about our daughter that we just had three months ago. My other child(9) is with somone else wayyyy before him. I'm very confused in my relationship. I would leave him one day and the next week we're back together. It's like I'v made myself comfortable with him and is afraid of being alone. Honestly I have been completely faithful but on his part NO WAY! I can't even count how many times I've been cheated on. He has had two oher children while with me and I'm just not finding oout about that. I just don;t know what to do. i've talked to my two closest friends and they tell me go on with my life and find someone. He will never change, he's only tagging me along, he's using me. I'm stressed out and so confused that my hair has fell out and continues too.

He apologized for what he had done to me and tells me that he wants to marry me and raise our children. Should I believe that?? I don't trust him nor believe anything he tells me. I think I'm just being so stupid that I 'm blind to the fact that he will never change as my friends told me before. I want to leave him but don't have the courage too. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm scared that I will never find anyone else. My holidays has been a disaster because I wanted to spend it with him but he chose to be with his family instead. Even though we made the plans to be together. I don't know what to do. He suppose to be here now but I was stood up again and it's New Year's Day.

Please help me!

What do you think about me not meeting his family yet after seven years?

Could he be hiding something from me?

Do you think he loves me?

How can I get out of this? It's driving me crazy?

For those who respond, please be straight forward with me. Maybe the truth will open up my eyes.

Thanking you in advance

Confused One

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-1999
In reply to: tirene2
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 5:14am
Dear Tirene. I will be as blunt as possible here. You are in an abusive relationship. He emotionally abuses you by continually cheating, causing you so much stress your hair falls out, and constantly lying to you. I would not be surprized if he also calls you names or puts you down. This treatment is UNACCEPTABLE!!! I will not tell you what to do, but I would STRONGLY recommend getting counseling ASAP. Your self-esteem sounds like it is in the gutter. You need to love yourself and start treating yourself better. You do not have to live with this kind of stress and turmoil. I hope you get counseling and I hope you start to realize that you deserve better.

Good luck. My thoughts are with you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: tirene2
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 6:30am
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: tirene2
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 8:54am

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if this guy is married to someone else which is why he hasn't told his family about you.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tirene2
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 11:17am

You are not stupid,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: tirene2
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 2:45am
::He apologized for what he had done to me and tells me that he wants to marry me and raise our children. Should I believe that??

Only believe him if he puts his money where is mouth is!!! That means you need to tell him you will only continue this relationship if he agrees to go to pre-marital counseling with you for 3 months minimum. While you are there, consider getting counseling on your own to build your self-esteem, sort through what you want and why you've settled for the relationship you are in.....

Reading material:

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti, Bill & Pam Farrel

What Smart Women Know, Steven Carter & Julia Sokol

Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis

Not meeting his family in 7 yrs is a HUGE RED FLAG. Yes, he is probably hiding something - either how much he dislikes his family, another family of his own, or unfortunately it has to do with you.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: tirene2
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 1:51pm

dear tirene, you are not stupid, but you ARE in an abusive relationship. and you need to get some help NOW. this is not healthy for you, and its not healthy for your kids. your kids are seeing how he is treating you - and seeing how you are LETTING him treat you. and your children will grow up believing that this behavior is OK (after all, daddy did it to mommy). and if you continue to have sex with him while he is having sex with other women - then you will eventually pick up some STDs.


you need to ACCEPT that this is who he is - it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU (as strange as this may sound) he is a low life jerk and he belives that his behavior is OK. as long as you are willing to live with him and put up with him - you are sending him the message that YES he is OK.


nobody deserves to be treated like this. and your friends are only half right - " they tell me go on with my life and find someone" - definately you should go on with your life but you should not try to "find someone" until you have worked thru your own self esteem problems. don't try and solve your problems by getting another man - chances are that you will pick the same kind of man unless you deal with your problems (BTDT!)


and DON'T listen to his talk about LOVE. he doesn't love you - he doesn't love anyone. read your post over and over - is that how we treat people we love? is that how YOU wold treat someone you love? i don't think so.


please - get yourself some help. i am listing a few web sites here on ivillage that may be helpful to you. I hope you will do this for yourself and for your little angels...


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsmartdivor


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rladultery

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
In reply to: tirene2
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 7:49pm
Please don't think of yourself as stupid. But you are in an incredibly disfunctional relationship. You need to ask yourself why. Is that all that you and your children deserve? Your son(s) will treat women like crap and your daughter(s) will never think that she deserves a loving, caring devoted husband. Is that the way that you want them to live when they grow up?

Women should not keep having babies with boyfriends who have children with other women. I know, that's like telling Michael Jackson that he shouldn't let young boys sleep in his bed. The people doing it don't want to hear it. But you say you do want to hear. Contact a women's support organization, family and friends and get the heck away from that creep!! Truly, most men are not like that. I don't even think couples counseling would be a consideration. You need too much work on your own self-esteem. I really wish you luck. There is a better world waiting for you and for your kids!