Am I just too intense and clingy??
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Am I just too intense and clingy??
| Sat, 06-02-2007 - 8:02pm |
Hey all! I'm sure you all remember me, and all my posts in the past few weeks about the guy I'm dating. Well, I wanted to give an update...and ask for more advice!
Basically, we have been hanging out and seeing eachother once a week, twice maximum. Lately it has been once a week, really.
Anyway, we have been seeing eachother for 2 months now. Last night, we went out to dinner and then rented a movie and watched it at his house. It was a lot of fun. We got to talking after the movie. He asked me if I missed him that week, and if it was hard for me waiting a whole week to see him again. I admitted that yes, it was hard. I asked him if it was hard not seeing me, and he said 'yes, but I made it' or something like that. Anyway, .then I told him that 'people think its a little strange that we only see eachother once a week' ...I wanted to see what he would say about this. He said, well, its smarter to move slower, because we don't want to take things too fast (like some friends we know) and then have things fizzle out. He then said that 'neither one of us is in a position to get serious right now' and then he said because: He lives at home with his parents (in the basement) still, and is saving to move out (its not that big of a deal to me b/c he is only 23 and just graduated college, and is trying to save for a house), and that I live at home with my parents (trying to save, going to school) and that I have a kid. I said, 'I thought my having a kid didnt bother you anymore?' and he said it didnt bother him, he just wanted to take things slower because of it. I then asked him what he wanted from our relationship. I was trying to be frank with him and have him be frank with me!
He said that he wanted things to continue the way they were (slowly, seeing eachother once a week) for awhile longer...He said that when he moves out (within one year) then he will want to see me a lot more, and then get my child involved, of course. He asked "well do you want me to meet your child now?" and I asked him what HE wanted to do about that, what he felt comfortable with (I feel comfortable introducing him to my child at this point) and he said "well...I think I'd like to keep things the way they are for right now" ( I guess meaning that he wants to wait to meet my child) He said that this arrangement won't go on forever, but he just wants to take things slow right now, keep them as they are, and see if they develop. I also asked him last night, "what if you meet some other girl that you like?" and he said "i highly doubt it considering that it took my like forever to meet you" and i said "well what if you DO?" and he kind of looked awkward and said "new subject" ...now THIS concerned me a bit!
Anyway, I feel that I am becoming DEEPLY attached to this guy, we have so much in common...and I am very attracted to him and enjoy spending time with him. We always have so much fun together. Every time I see him (that once a week) I feel like its almost torture, knowing that I won't see him again for another week. It's so hard for me, and I can't understand why he is OKAY with only seeing me once a week. He said it was hard, but he managed. WHY not see eachother more?? He seems to be so insistent on going slow, not wanting things to "fizzle out"...I guess being smart about our relationship? He ALWAYS talks about the future, with me in it..for instance, he bought concert tickets for the middle of the summer, for him and I...and he always says "oh you will have to meet this friend of mine", etc., and even said that "when he has his own place, he will want to see me a lot more" I guess it is just weird for him living with his parents and having me over? He says we will get to enjoy our "own space" in his place.
Basically, I want to keep seeing him, even on these terms, because I like him so much. I just wish that he would want to get serious with me...NOW. Will he ever? I don't want to waste my time or my heart on someone who will NEVER want to get serious with me, but I DON'T want to bring up these concerns with him, because I don't want to pressure him. Does anyone understand his logic, of going slow? Does it make sense? I hope so. I just have never been in a relationship before where things were so slow, they were all so intense and fast, thats probably why they didnt work out in the end.
Any responses are greatly appreciated!! Thanks in advance! Is there any hope for us?
Basically, we have been hanging out and seeing eachother once a week, twice maximum. Lately it has been once a week, really.
Anyway, we have been seeing eachother for 2 months now. Last night, we went out to dinner and then rented a movie and watched it at his house. It was a lot of fun. We got to talking after the movie. He asked me if I missed him that week, and if it was hard for me waiting a whole week to see him again. I admitted that yes, it was hard. I asked him if it was hard not seeing me, and he said 'yes, but I made it' or something like that. Anyway, .then I told him that 'people think its a little strange that we only see eachother once a week' ...I wanted to see what he would say about this. He said, well, its smarter to move slower, because we don't want to take things too fast (like some friends we know) and then have things fizzle out. He then said that 'neither one of us is in a position to get serious right now' and then he said because: He lives at home with his parents (in the basement) still, and is saving to move out (its not that big of a deal to me b/c he is only 23 and just graduated college, and is trying to save for a house), and that I live at home with my parents (trying to save, going to school) and that I have a kid. I said, 'I thought my having a kid didnt bother you anymore?' and he said it didnt bother him, he just wanted to take things slower because of it. I then asked him what he wanted from our relationship. I was trying to be frank with him and have him be frank with me!
He said that he wanted things to continue the way they were (slowly, seeing eachother once a week) for awhile longer...He said that when he moves out (within one year) then he will want to see me a lot more, and then get my child involved, of course. He asked "well do you want me to meet your child now?" and I asked him what HE wanted to do about that, what he felt comfortable with (I feel comfortable introducing him to my child at this point) and he said "well...I think I'd like to keep things the way they are for right now" ( I guess meaning that he wants to wait to meet my child) He said that this arrangement won't go on forever, but he just wants to take things slow right now, keep them as they are, and see if they develop. I also asked him last night, "what if you meet some other girl that you like?" and he said "i highly doubt it considering that it took my like forever to meet you" and i said "well what if you DO?" and he kind of looked awkward and said "new subject" ...now THIS concerned me a bit!
Anyway, I feel that I am becoming DEEPLY attached to this guy, we have so much in common...and I am very attracted to him and enjoy spending time with him. We always have so much fun together. Every time I see him (that once a week) I feel like its almost torture, knowing that I won't see him again for another week. It's so hard for me, and I can't understand why he is OKAY with only seeing me once a week. He said it was hard, but he managed. WHY not see eachother more?? He seems to be so insistent on going slow, not wanting things to "fizzle out"...I guess being smart about our relationship? He ALWAYS talks about the future, with me in it..for instance, he bought concert tickets for the middle of the summer, for him and I...and he always says "oh you will have to meet this friend of mine", etc., and even said that "when he has his own place, he will want to see me a lot more" I guess it is just weird for him living with his parents and having me over? He says we will get to enjoy our "own space" in his place.
Basically, I want to keep seeing him, even on these terms, because I like him so much. I just wish that he would want to get serious with me...NOW. Will he ever? I don't want to waste my time or my heart on someone who will NEVER want to get serious with me, but I DON'T want to bring up these concerns with him, because I don't want to pressure him. Does anyone understand his logic, of going slow? Does it make sense? I hope so. I just have never been in a relationship before where things were so slow, they were all so intense and fast, thats probably why they didnt work out in the end.
Any responses are greatly appreciated!! Thanks in advance! Is there any hope for us?

>>Basically, I want to keep seeing him, even on these terms, because I like him so much.<<
To be honest, I don't think this is a wise choice on your part. Why? Because you are so obviously unhappy with the current situation. You are neither content or happy with the way this relationship is going.
I suspect that while you are trying to make yourself do this on his terms (because we both know he doesn't want to up the ante) you'll be miserable, frustrated, confused and posting on these boards.
Will he ever want to get serious with you? Based on his current behaviour, the answer is likely to be "no". The fact that he would not reply when you asked him what he'd do if he found someone better speaks volumes.
>> Does anyone understand his logic, of going slow? <<
I can't help but believe he's either seeing other women or looking for other women. Seeing you only once per week leaves him lots of time to chase others.
Browneyedmama, good relationships make us feel content and loved. They don't leave us questioning everything.
I just have one question. What did you mean by saying that him not answering when I asked him what if he met someone better speaks volumes?
I have been trying to figure out what he meant by this too! It's so confusing.
Ever heard the expression "if you can't say anything good, then don't say anything at all"? He didn't want to discuss the topic because he knew you'd be hurt by the answer.
I have to say though, I also worry about your question regarding him finding someone "better". You see, I've never asked that question of a guy. Why? Because if we get along great, then I'll be confident that he won't find anyone better than me. If I thought someone else would be a better match for him, then I'm not the one he should be with.
To sum up this whole situation, he's still got his options open. And you're not his perfect match. Your gut feelings tell you you're not perfect for him (because you ask him about finding somene better) and he's not reassuring you that there's no one better.
Don't get too involved because there are no signs of a lasting relationship here.