Am I losing my mind?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
Am I losing my mind?
6
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 1:59pm

Hello!
Let me preface this by acknowledging that I am pregnant so this could possibly be tainted by pregnancy hormones :) Although I don't think it is really.

This past summer my husband had a very close relationship with one of his softball co-coaches. I had issues with this at the time (b/c he had made comments to his friend about being with her if he weren't with me) and DH made it abundantly clear that I was being completely ridiculous. Mind you the bulk of my insecurities stemmed from the fact that when I saw them together I started to get the feeling that he actually had real feelings for this girl. They have stuff in common, she fun, sweet etc. And to make matters worse my two step daughters ADORE her. I just started feeling like he would really rather be with her. And he wasn't doing anything to make me feel otherwise...just saying that I was being crazy.

I tried to think it was just my own insecurities and not really anything to worry about. However various things started telling me that he was really inappropriately close to this girl. Like when I found that I was pregnant we told our best friends and no one else until after some of my initial appointments, except for the fact that he told her. We were at a softball cookout and some of the other coaches congratulated me and nothing from this girl. I asked DH if he had told this girl about the pregnancy and apparently he told her right after I had called him from the doctors office after it was first confirmed. We had to that point talked about who we would tell and when and he just told this girl right from the start. And it wasn't even as if he told the other coaches at that point, just this girl. Of course he made me feel crazy for questioning this.

I always had this sinking feeling that she was aware of my issues with the relationship since things kind of changed between us. Like she kind of kept her distance when I was around. As my mind reeled I figured that he had said something to her about my issues with their relationship and closeness.

Apparently she did know because a couple weeks ago after a while of being out of the picture (as far as I can tell) she texted him about the World Series, he responded and then she wrote back something about hoping I didn't mind that she was texting him. Yes I was snooping, yes it serves me right, and I shouldn't have done it. But... I am starting to wonder if there may have been a real emotional affair there however one sided it may have been.

Just not sure what to do or how to handle this frustration.

It makes me angry because DH always played it off like I was being crazy...and I am starting to think I was right for being suspicious. At the very least the way that he handled my feelings was a big kick in the teeth.

I have no idea what to do. There is of course some chance that this girl will coach again with him this year...but she is finishing her last year of college so who knows. And the season doesn't start in April so I feel kind of silly bringing this up to him now. I anticipate just getting more of this crazy person response I got last time.

Do I just let it go? I am afraid that he was allowing himself to get inappropriately close to someone else and he was not stopping it. I have no idea how to deal with this. Since she has been off at college she hasn't been around lately...but there has been at least that one instance where they were in touch. And she may not be around again till the spring...just after the baby arrives. There may be a chance that she won't coach with DH but I don't really want to run the risk of that happening.

Any thoughts? In the past he has completely blown off my feelings about this topic so I am afraid to open that can of worms again.

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 3:10pm

Welcome to the board erininpa,


I do not think you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 3:44pm

Thank you for your response. Certainly the way that he handled it is a big red flag for me. And the closeness of their relationship was a big problem.

At this point I wonder how to deal with it going forward. Aside from one text message exchange a couple weeks ago they have not really had interaction since the end of the summer. As far as I know. And they may not again until the softball season (if she helps coach again, heaven forbid).

I know that that is kind of beside the point, but how do I approach it. I don't want him to just shut down again because it is this same old crap that he heard over the summer.

In my gut I am fearful that he will never see what real emotional responsibilities he has to me.
Thank you for your feedback!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 8:22am

So I spoke to, and was eventually yelling at, DH last night.
And as much as I felt like I was trying to communicate with him apparently he was not getting my point since all I kept hearing back was "I told you there was nothing going on," and general frustration from him. He didn't understand why this was coming up after 4 months. He told me that he had spoken to her once since softball (ran into her and caught her up on softball) but never mentioned anything about the text messages.

As many times as I have told him that he needs to tell me all of this stuff to feel like I can trust him, since withholding details of his relationships with particular people is asking for trouble, he didn't mention the texts. He kept asking me why this was coming up now...like he wondered if I had seen the text messages. He still won't tell me things voluntarily.

He was so pissed that I kept talking about this...and I tried to get him to understand that his solution of "It'll never happen again," was missing the point. I don't know how else to express this to him...that his communication and listening skills are horrible. I just ended up repeating myself, that his brush-off's were still not making me feel heard. I felt that I was pretty clear with him about that I needed...and he just ignored that and instead focused on that fact that we were just having the same conversation over and over, that I was lecturing him.

I checked his phone this morning and he had deleted the text messages at some point yesterday.

I am not getting the understanding from him that I feel I deserve, whether I misunderstood this relationship or not. I don't know how to express this to him any more clearly.

He thinks that telling me that he loves me and wants to be in this marriage for this rest of his life is all I need.

It makes me sick to think of how much he still does not get it.

I have no idea what else to do about it. But I do now have an appointment with a therapist. Of course DH is less than thrilled with that idea too. :)

The worst part is that his ex used to have all kinds of inappropriate friends and he was in this situation as I am (except things were likely occurring that were really unacceptable). He doesn't understand that whether or not something is happening, the effect of withholding details etc. is the same.

I am at a loss.
Thanks for listening...again!

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 9:37am

Well, it does sound like a disturbing situation and I can understand how you feel. However, right now you are pregnant, and she is away at school. I wouldn't bring it up and get things stewing unnecessarily. Instead, I would explore with him ways in which you can make "your" relationship with him the best it can be. Do the two of you spend quality time alone, doing things that are fun? Is your communicatiion open and honest? Rather than come to him with upset, why not try to find out what he feels he needs to make the relationship as good as it can be, and you do the same. It's better to make things so wonderful at home that he won't be drawn to anyone else at all.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 9:50am

Thank you Dr. Shoshanna,
I think my issue is that the communication is very one sided. I do not feel like he hears me. When we talk about issues I very often feel like I am not being listened to and acknowledged. I talk about how something has hurt me and give him examples of things that he can do to help me feel more at ease and he responds with "It won't happen again," as if that is what I was even asking for.

I usually end up feeling like whatever I am feeling is not ok with him rather than feeling that he understands where I am coming from. He attacks me for being repetitive rather than stopping to hear what I am asking him for.

It is like he is just incapable of listening and working together. Instead he just gets defensive and deflective.

I have no idea of how to get through to him and overall I am just fearful of talking to him about anything in regards to our relationship.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 12:15pm

If he is confiding stuff in her that he is not telling you about all the time, then he is having an emotional affair.