Am I making a big deal out of this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Am I making a big deal out of this?
4
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 11:15pm
At the beginning of the year my SO and I broke up for two months after a major blow up. After I calmed down I called him so that we can talk and try to work things out. He said he was tired of the ups and downs and wanted to stay broken up. I was hurt, but I felt he was still angry and needed more time. Keep in mind that he has a small child with his ex who makes it clear she wants him back so that they can be a family. After remaining broken up for 6 weeks (meanwhile, we spoke on the phone, had sex, he gave me money for bills and offered to help me trade in my car). I asked him if he had gotten back together with his ex? He said no. He and I have been together for four years, so I believed him. One day he and I get into another arguement over the phone when he starts telling me all the things he could not forgive me for. I hung up and was determined not to call him anymore if he was going to be so unforgiving.

A couple of days later his father calls me and tells me my SO is in jail. It seems he and his dad got into a fight and his dad called the cops. I find out what I need to do and go and bail him out. He was very grateful he cried and everything. A few days later he gets a call from his ex. She's screaming through the phone asking him how he got out. He told her I bailed him out and that he and I were back together. I could hear her screaming at him for leaving her again (he had already left her once to be with me). He still denied getting back together with her, but said that she had asked him about them trying again and they were talking about it. I later find out that he had called her 2-3 times to bail him out and she didn't. She told me that she wanted him to suffer for the things he put her through. He never called me. He said that it was because of the arguement we had the day before. I don't think that's a good enough reason. But I accepted it and we've been together ever since. He has since asked me to marry him and we are planning to get married next year. He claims the jail event told him alot about who is really "down" for him. The problem is tonight she calls me to tell me he asked her why she didn't bail him out and other things in their past. He told me that he needed to get some things off his chest with her. He got on his knees and begged me to believe that that was it and that she's reading more into it because that's what she wants to believe. I'm upset because I don't know why he needed to know why she didn't bail him out after all this time. It seems to me that her not coming to bail him out hurt him and he needed to talk to her about it. I know how long he can hold onto his anger. Is it possible that he wants to be with me and marry me to get back at her? Why would he need to talk to her about the past and why she wasn't there for him? It's really making me think that he wants to be with her and that I should move on. Believe me I don't want to I love him very much and things have been going so well. He's been doing everything he should be doing and our relationship has been progressing nicely. This really threw me for a loop. Let me know what you think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 10:56am
mystifying1...

Pianoguy would like to paraphrase your name in reference to your question.

I'M MYSTIFIED THAT YOU PUT UP WITH THIS NONSENSE FOR 4 YEARS! This is not the foundation for a happy marriage...let alone a happy life!

Why in the world would you want to keep this dysfunctional relationship going...unless you're fond of being verbally abused? It's pretty obvious that the pattern will continue whether this man is with YOU..HIS EX..or another woman!

If I were in your shoes today...I'd RUN LIKE HELL in the opposite direction and NOT LOOK BACK!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 12:53pm
I totally agree with pianoguy!!! This guy you've been involved with has no clue who he is, where he's going, or what he wants. He's still not healed from the previous relaitonship. He's still trying to figure out why she doesn't or doesn't do something, he hasn't let go of his ties with her. The only tie he should have (if he was healed) would be his child and he would set clear boundaries about what was acceptable topics of discussion and which ones aren't. He's not there yet. And my guess is: without professional help, he probably won't get there as fast as you would like him to.

Though you aren't married, consider letting him read this article:

Male Emotional Adultery Essay

When the ex remarried she seemed to think that she was entitled to two husbands. There was the good husband who received all the “benefits”. There was also the bad husband who received all the blame. Needless to say, I was the latter. After having observed this rather bigamous state of affairs for a year or two I finally informed the ex that if she needed someone to scream at, revile and expend her considerable anger on, she’d better look closer to home because I was not available and hadn’t been since the divorce.

My mistake, for several years, was continuing to feel some responsibility for the ex, even though we had both remarried. It was very difficult to break a 25-year habit of always trying to fix things. That had been my assigned role all those years. It took awhile to realize that fixing things was no longer my responsibility except within the boundaries of my own marriage. When the ex’s husband was killed in a car accident a little over three years after they were married, I was ready to lend assistance and this time my wife called me on it. She correctly pointed out that it was no longer my place, was no longer my responsibility and most likely wouldn't be appreciated anyway. As usual, she was quite correct.

Did I feel guilty about the divorce? Probably, even though I wasn't the one who initiated the whole process. In typical male fashion I couldn't reconcile not being a daily presence in the lives of my daughters. The ex figured that one out and tried to play on my feelings to extract more and more for me under the guise of it all being for my daughters. For awhile, it worked and I gave and gave. Then I realized that I was being manipulated and was also sending the wrong message to my children – that Dad was merely a convenient and deep pocket whose only value was that which could be preceded by a dollar sign. The bottom line was that the girls had two parents and I was not solely responsible for their well-being. Bye, bye guilt. Hello resolve. It was easy. It just took awhile to get there. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe and really think about the message you're sending your children. That's especially important when you've remarried. It’s your wife who deserves your undivided loyalty and support, not the ex.

Over the years, too many wives have voiced the legitimate complaint that their husband continues to dance to the tune of his ex's manipulation. There are only two women to whom a husband owes the duties of loyalty and obedience, and even they have to deserve it. Those women are his wife, first, and his mother, second. To permit any other woman to exercise that degree of control and influence over him is emotional adultery and nothing less.

Gentleman, there's a reason that you and the ex are no longer married. Whether you're the one who left or, as is most often the case, she is, she is no longer your wife. She is no longer your partner. She is no longer your lover. She is the ex. If you have children together she will always be their mother but that is all the status she merits and deserves. She should be respected and valued for that, just as you should be respected and valued as their father.

In this venue, most, if not all, experience certain problems and frustrations connected with the ex. Why, then, would you bow and scrape before her, to the detriment of your childrens’ respect for you as a man and male role model, not to mention your wife's? Most especially, why would you permit her to dictate to you on all matters pertaining to the children to include disrupting your own family life to be at her beck-and-call, to the frustration of your wife and the detriment of your marriage?

If this describes you, you are guilty of emotional adultery. You're also giving-in to emotional blackmail and are permitting your children to be used as wedge issues and bargaining chips. Isn't it time to rear up on your hind legs, throw your head back and roar out your final independence from someone with whom you now have only indirect ties?

What your children truly deserve is happy and emotionally healthy parents, both of them, and steps as well. Your former marriage didn't work. Accept it and concentrate on your current marriage. Put your wife and your marriage first and you'll be giving your children the true gift you didn't give them while with their mother. That gift is the living and loving example of a strong marriage in which respect and mutuality are foremost, where a united front is common and consistent and happiness and contentment are evident. This is the example your children will take with them into their own adult relationships. You can’t change or fix what went before so concentrate on what you have now.

The biggest question and issue of all is this: Do your dealings with the ex cause a lack of harmony in your marriage? If the answer to that is, “Yes!”, then what ARE you doing.? Where do your loyalties lie and what are you going to do to take back control of your life from someone who no longer belongs in the middle of it?

Oh, yeah. If you did answer “yes” you'd better be coming home with flowers and taking your wife out for a very romantic dinner because, Buddy, you need to start courting her all over again. This time, don't stop, ever!

This piece was written by Mike (passem), the token step-father and regular contributor to the StepTogether Message Board.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 10:41pm
Just bringing the post up so others can see what you are referring to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 9:27am
here's what i think...his pride would not allow him to call you to ask for your help. in knowing that his ex wants him back, he knows thats a sure fire way to get bailed out, knowing she'll come to his rescue if it will benefit her. Well, his plan backfired and yes, it's hurtful. Especially when you think you know someone so well and in your time of need, they cant be there for you. Mind you, I dont know you or him or the extent of your relationship and his faithfulness. I do; however, know what its like to have children with an ex and still be hurt by things they do. It isn't because you love them. In questioning her about the past and why she didnt do certain things for him, sweetheart, thats closure for him to be able to let go of the hurt and anger from that relationship so that he can pursue a marriage with you without emotional baggage. Think about it..how many times do we begin a relationship and do something to screw it up because of the emotional trainwreck from our last ex? Men need closure too. They arent excluded. I really believe he wanted to put the past where it belongs - the past.