am I overreacting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
am I overreacting?
5
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 9:37am
My DH works with someone very closely - someone at his same level. I have had suspicions that she is one of those aggressive types that doesn't care if he's married. I have expressed my concerns to him and am told I'm crazy. Frequently in small talk about politics, the weather, whatever, I may state my opinion and they he offers something she had to say about a similar discussion they had. I caught him a lie about him talking to her on his cell. He lied to my face about it 3x. Finally when I said all I had to do was look at the cell phone bill - he told me he talked to her an it was nothing. He told me the reason he lied was basically because it was easier than me getting all worked up over nothing. He also first said they just work together - now he calls her a really good friend. SHe also recently called my home and was accidentally trying to call her husband - but called my house instead. Am I paranoid?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lidz
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 12:02pm
They may be good friends, or there may be something more going on - it's hard to say. His excuse for lying regarding her calls - fearing your reaction - sounds plausible if you had been acting overly suspicious and their relationship is innocent. I think the best thing you can do is meet her. They should be willing to do that if they have nothing to hide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: lidz
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 12:47pm
I agree with charite_99 and would only add: Trust your gut feeling.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
In reply to: lidz
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 1:13pm
Hi Lidz. What an awful position to be in. I've been there far too many times myself. Here's my thought on this - If he feels like he needs to keep the truth from you so you won't get upset, chances are there is a reason why you would. I am going to post an a reply to butterflylily from itwinflame re: online cheating. It's on this board so you may have read it, but if you haven't, you might find it very useful. I know I did;)

Here it is-

Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?

Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.

By Kim Campbell

In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.

But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.

These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.

“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.

Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.

Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”

Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.

In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.

“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.

About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”

That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.

Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.

For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.

From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass

WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE

Has your friendship become an emotional affair?

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?

8. Are you in love with your friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
In reply to: lidz
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 1:30pm
I think you are NOT overreacting and you are completely justified.

If you go to the boards on here that are about affairs (which I have visited just to see what they have to say) a large Majority of the people over there started their affair with someone they work with.

Also there was a poll ( I will try to find the link) where it asked cheating spouses who they cheated with and again the majority said it started either with a coworker or someone they met because of work.

Even if he hasn't actually cheated - there is always the possibilty esp. if he is hiding talking to her, and if they are becoming friends.

Some will tell you it is okay for a man and a woman to form a relationship and be friends. Others will tell you that it is emotional cheating. I agree with the people who think it is emotionally cheating.

You and your husband need to sit and down talk and you need to lay down the law meaning that he works with this woman and that is it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
In reply to: lidz
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 3:16am
Ask any private detective that tracks cheating spouses; "if you have the feeling that something is going on there probably is."