Am I Overreacting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Am I Overreacting?
9
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 2:22pm
my future father in law has not worked in almost four years. he has done nothing to alleviate that situation. he's lived off of welfare and his son in that time. every so often he will con one of his friends for money. he lost his last apartment because my boyfriend and i moved in together and my boyfriend was the one paying the bills. he now stays in his car, which does not work. by the way, his car is in our building's parking lot. he comes over every morning to shower, eat, watch tv and use the computer. this has been going on for about three months. in that time, he still has done nothing to change his situation. he just assumes he will be able to come over and use our home forever.

this arrangement is really getting on my nerves. especially because right now i am the sole money maker in the family. it feels like i am working my tail off so that this man who does nothing can benefit. i'm making money so that my father in law can watch my cable tv, use my computer, eat my food everyday? it is really making me angry.

a lot of people have told me that i may be overreacting. after all, he's always gone before i get home, so what's the big deal?

i'm just afraid this is never going to stop. i don't see how my boyfriend and i can start making a life for ourselves when his father refuses to leave us be.

i should say that before we moved into the apartment, i stayed with him and my BF when i first got here from N.Y. it was for a little over two months. i wasn't a freeloader...i gave them money and i cleaned while i was there. does that give my future FIL the right to do what he's doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 3:34am

i don't think you are over-reacting. first of all- nothing gives anyone the 'right' to be a freeloader. if you and your BF lived with him for two months, i am assuming that he agreed to that arrangement, and as you say - you were not exactly 'freeloading'.


this arrangement is not healthy on many different levels. two questions:


- why is it that YOU are now the sole breadwinner in the family? why is your BF not working? and who is doing the housework and chores?


- are you worried that somehow your DF will follow in the footsteps of his dad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 7:18am
I think you need to inform your BF of this problem and that some kind of time limit needs to be set for the father to get his act together or take it somewhere else. You and your BF are currently enabling the father to continue being a leech. Until someone tells him the free ride is over, he will obviously continue to take the free ride.

I, too, question why you're the only breadwinner. Maybe you need to consider leaving both of your problems behind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 8:10am
It was nice that they allowed you to stay with them but it seems as though you carried your weight. As long as you allow him to stay with you "free of charge" he will most likely continue to do so. I know it may be hard for your boyfriend to put his foot down with his own father but if he continues to allow this his is only hurting him. I think your boyfriend needs to practice some "tough love". Also, your boyfriend should respect the fact that it is your home to and you should have some say so it what goes on around there. Good Luck to you
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 2:52pm
I think the other posters have some highly valid points and Id like to put another one up here also.

Staying in his car can be extremely dangerous, among other things. Has he not even looked into a shelter to where he can at least have a bed, a toilet, etc? He could get killed doing that mess.

My FIL stayed with us for about six months when he and his wife split, so i can relate to your frustration and smothering feelings.

The thing is that he is not going to ever take care of himself if no one makes him try. If we wants to be homeless, then that is his choice, but it shouldnt extend into your daily life choices. If he wants a home, free access to the benefits of your hard work isnt going to make him change or gain the desire for a better existence. Someone, from what it seems here, has always taken care of him. Nice life if you can get it, I guess, but its high time that he learned how to do some of this.

If you married this man and had his kids, you wouldnt want your children going to visit in Grandpas car. Plus, as I learned, that leaves so many ways for accidents to happen. When I leave my house, I check the coffeepot, the stove, etc... I came home one time to a burst carafe because my FIL had come in and made coffee and set the empty carafe on the burner. He could have burned down my family's whole life. When its not yours, you just dont appreciate it.

I would also make sure that the BF isnt taking on Dads horrible work ethic because he sees it being successful.

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 3:20pm
My first question is what does your fiancee think of the situation? If he sees nothing wrong with it then I would be afraid he's going to end up being a freeloader like his father and would personally become very observant to make sure he doesn't. If he agrees with you then I suggest the two of you suggesting your F-FIL clean up his act and get a job (within "X" time frame, preferably before your married), and not because your fed up with providing for him when he is perfectly capable of doing it on his own but because you are concerned for his well being and only want the best for him. (Or at least that's what you can tell him with the most sincerity you can muster weather you really think it or not). I don't think kicking him out will help-he'll end up resenting ya'll for that. I think support (and not the kind he's getting now by letting him freeload but emotional-like a coach) would suit him fine in the long run that way everyone ends up happy and not just you and your fiancee and ya'll won't have a guilty conscience .
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 3:37pm
my BF works construction/remodeling and his boss is on hiatus right about now. also, he's an actor so he's looking for work in that arena. as far as doing his part, he is very involved. since he's home he cleans and cooks every day so that i don't have to come home to a mess. he's very good about picking up the slack at home while he's not working. for that i am very grateful.

as far as the danger part of my future FIL living in a car, that's pretty much not a factor. his car is stationed behind our apartment complex, which is located in a very nice and safe neighborhood. he REFUSES to go to a shelter or even apply for section 8 in order to get a place that the government would pretty much pay for. apparently he's too good for that. and why go to a shelter or get your own place? those places won't have a computer or cable tv or good towels or lots of food.

i completely believe that by allowing him to come over every day we are enabling this behavior. i want to stop it. the BF and i spoke about it yesterday. i was told that all of this was pretty much MY own problem that i need to settle because his dad has no issue with me anymore. i was also approached by one of my neighbors who asked me if my "father" was going to be able to move the car so that they could get to their storage locker. i am holding my breath, terrified that one of my neighbors will call the cops on him or worse, management. the last thing i want is to get evicted because of this man.

my BF wants desperately to believe his father will change, so he accepts this behavior. i'm just beginning to feel trapped in this situation. i am having very serious thoughts about leaving.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 11:09am
First of all I have to ask...why are you the only person bringing money home? Unless your future husband is in school full time or has a disability which prevents him from working, you should not be the sole provider in this house. I am sorry to say, but absolutely not are you overreacting. You need to address the situation immediately and do not marry a man whose father is that dependent on both of you. It will only come back to bite you, no marriage can withstand that kind of pressure. I am not saying you need to leave him, but you need to make his father go away. As harsh as that sounds, if your fiancee is not pressuring his own father to get a job and not depend on him or for that matter, you since you are the one bringing home the money, it doesnt say much about him. HOw long have you two been together? Do you share children?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 3:59pm
right now he's doing remodeling/construction so he's only been working periodically. it's good work, but not steady, and since my work is very steady, i'm the main provider.

i don't want this to go on forever. i've given a cut off date. i feel so horrible. i mean, this man is my BF's father. he's going to be the grandfather of my children and i have absolutely no respect for him. and i know the way i feel about him hurts my BF. but i was raised to believe that you never depend on other people to make your life easier. you should not expect to be handed everything, you must earn them. it angers me the way this man just feels entitled to receive everything and put forth no effort to get them.

over the weekend i brought up the fact that i think maybe we should spend some time apart. i don't know, maybe it might help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 4:34pm
What did your bf think about you giving a cut off date? What did he say about time apart? Does he know that the time apart you suggested is because of your feelings for your FFIL and his actions (or lack of)? I think your entitled to these feelings and have good reason to suggest these things but I'm curious what your bf thinks. I think it's wise to give an ultimadum now-early in the game (compared to married, years later). This is not only your bf's home but yours as well. You both share the responsibility, etc. I don't think it's worth getting evicted over this lazy man. I still stick by what I said before, give a date (which you have) and in that time "assist" him in job hunting etc. I believe you said before he was receiving checks (welfare or disability or something). He should be investing those checks in rent payments or something, maybe a wardrobe to do interviews in....