Am I Overreacting?
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| Thu, 05-06-2004 - 2:22pm |
this arrangement is really getting on my nerves. especially because right now i am the sole money maker in the family. it feels like i am working my tail off so that this man who does nothing can benefit. i'm making money so that my father in law can watch my cable tv, use my computer, eat my food everyday? it is really making me angry.
a lot of people have told me that i may be overreacting. after all, he's always gone before i get home, so what's the big deal?
i'm just afraid this is never going to stop. i don't see how my boyfriend and i can start making a life for ourselves when his father refuses to leave us be.
i should say that before we moved into the apartment, i stayed with him and my BF when i first got here from N.Y. it was for a little over two months. i wasn't a freeloader...i gave them money and i cleaned while i was there. does that give my future FIL the right to do what he's doing?

i don't think you are over-reacting. first of all- nothing gives anyone the 'right' to be a freeloader. if you and your BF lived with him for two months, i am assuming that he agreed to that arrangement, and as you say - you were not exactly 'freeloading'.
this arrangement is not healthy on many different levels. two questions:
- why is it that YOU are now the sole breadwinner in the family? why is your BF not working? and who is doing the housework and chores?
- are you worried that somehow your DF will follow in the footsteps of his dad?
I, too, question why you're the only breadwinner. Maybe you need to consider leaving both of your problems behind.
Staying in his car can be extremely dangerous, among other things. Has he not even looked into a shelter to where he can at least have a bed, a toilet, etc? He could get killed doing that mess.
My FIL stayed with us for about six months when he and his wife split, so i can relate to your frustration and smothering feelings.
The thing is that he is not going to ever take care of himself if no one makes him try. If we wants to be homeless, then that is his choice, but it shouldnt extend into your daily life choices. If he wants a home, free access to the benefits of your hard work isnt going to make him change or gain the desire for a better existence. Someone, from what it seems here, has always taken care of him. Nice life if you can get it, I guess, but its high time that he learned how to do some of this.
If you married this man and had his kids, you wouldnt want your children going to visit in Grandpas car. Plus, as I learned, that leaves so many ways for accidents to happen. When I leave my house, I check the coffeepot, the stove, etc... I came home one time to a burst carafe because my FIL had come in and made coffee and set the empty carafe on the burner. He could have burned down my family's whole life. When its not yours, you just dont appreciate it.
I would also make sure that the BF isnt taking on Dads horrible work ethic because he sees it being successful.
Take care
as far as the danger part of my future FIL living in a car, that's pretty much not a factor. his car is stationed behind our apartment complex, which is located in a very nice and safe neighborhood. he REFUSES to go to a shelter or even apply for section 8 in order to get a place that the government would pretty much pay for. apparently he's too good for that. and why go to a shelter or get your own place? those places won't have a computer or cable tv or good towels or lots of food.
i completely believe that by allowing him to come over every day we are enabling this behavior. i want to stop it. the BF and i spoke about it yesterday. i was told that all of this was pretty much MY own problem that i need to settle because his dad has no issue with me anymore. i was also approached by one of my neighbors who asked me if my "father" was going to be able to move the car so that they could get to their storage locker. i am holding my breath, terrified that one of my neighbors will call the cops on him or worse, management. the last thing i want is to get evicted because of this man.
my BF wants desperately to believe his father will change, so he accepts this behavior. i'm just beginning to feel trapped in this situation. i am having very serious thoughts about leaving.
i don't want this to go on forever. i've given a cut off date. i feel so horrible. i mean, this man is my BF's father. he's going to be the grandfather of my children and i have absolutely no respect for him. and i know the way i feel about him hurts my BF. but i was raised to believe that you never depend on other people to make your life easier. you should not expect to be handed everything, you must earn them. it angers me the way this man just feels entitled to receive everything and put forth no effort to get them.
over the weekend i brought up the fact that i think maybe we should spend some time apart. i don't know, maybe it might help.