Am I overreacting

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Am I overreacting
7
Wed, 10-08-2008 - 7:01pm

My husband and I have been together for 10 years married for 5 and have known each other since junior high. We are, and have been good friends for a long time. Before we were married he went into a pattern of going out and staying out until late into the mornings. Most people around me believed that this was his adjusting to his upcoming nuptials. Sure, this bothered me tremendously and I did address it with him. Needless to say, it did not have much of an impact but after we were married be stopped. We moved out of state and for several years I did not have the late night clubbing problem but it has reared its ugly head. He is now surrounded with a large number of young people at work and is now in their circle of friends (we are 37). Most times when they go out they stay until early in the morning which I have denounced from day one. Truth be told, I am a bit jealous but at the same time, am I overreacting? It is not a weekly thing but I believe that once you are married there are certain things that should be stopped such as partying until five or six in the morning. Please tell me if I should just let him be. I do not want to be the constant nagging wife which I do not believe is currently an issue. Let me also say that

Live Good!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 10-08-2008 - 8:01pm

I guess I don't see marriage as a reason to stop having fun. Why does this bother you so much? Can't you go with him once in a while even if it's not your favorite thing?

You can either continue to be his "good friend" or you can change into his "nagging wife". If this bothered you enough you wouldn't have married him in spite of it, yeah?

If you have children that need taking care of that might be another story but I see this as a good "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" opportunity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 10:05am

Welcome to the board deneseer,


I can see why it bothers you if he stays out until 5 or 6 in the mornings. That is just a little to long for me. But I do agree with eggberts advice that maybe you could go out with him sometimes and maybe that would help things. Have you asked him if he could just come home

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 9:46pm

Thank you for the warm welcome. Actually, I have asked him to come in earlier and he does sometimes. I also get his position that if the bunch is going to an early breakfast he wants to go too. BUT, he also does not want me to come along. He says that if I go along he cannot be himself and will have to be on his best behavior or he would have to be constantly looking

Live Good!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 6:42pm
He
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2008
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 6:52pm

He may not actually be cheating on you, but the fact that he actively does NOT want you to go, doesn't wear his ring, no one else brings their SO and all of these people are so much younger than him...my feeling is that this is an exit for him. He might not actually be cheating, but this is a way for him to basically not be married for a while. I don't know if I'd call it harmless. I wonder how young you got married? I'm guessing you got married pretty young and although he might be committed to your marriage and the kids and love you, he also resents the confinement and the loss of his youth (as he perceives it).

I am a very independent person with a love of my freedom and wanting to do my own thing, even in a relationship. So I can relate to that feeling. However, it's one thing to go out with a group of friends occasionally, even late into the night, but still being IN the relationship, up front about your relationship/marriage (i.e. wearing rings), etc. And also being open to your SO going with you sometimes. Bottom line is - going out to do your own thing and having some independent freedom is good - but if it's an exit from the relationship or you are doing something that you would NOT want your SO to see - then that is toxic and a very dangerous thing.

I would talk to him much more about this, and also consider seeing a counselor about it. If he's truly trying to keep an exit open from your relationship, you have as much to worry about as if he was actually physically cheating. I think you should get some therapy to try to figure out what is really going on with him and how you can work TOGETHER on it instead of him just taking his own exits from it. He sounds really immature.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 9:08pm

To be honest, I do not believe that he is cheating but would agree that he is trying to have his own "escape" when he goes out with his friends. I have told him time and time again that I am fine with him going out. I honestly believe that each person in a relationship deserve an outlet that they can call their own. Hanging out with his friends is his thing and I am cool with that. He knows that this bothers me and so he scaled back on his outings. There were quite a few times when he did come

Live Good!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2007
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 9:15pm

RED FLAGS, Sister! Major ones!


You are only going to get hurt in this situation. I know because I have been there -