Am I overreacting

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Am I overreacting
7
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 11:50am

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I just moved in together. We have been together for almost two years and we have had a very fun, open, and honest relationship so far. I have never felt like I can't trust him and I have always been sure that I am the only person in his life. Until recently.

We have a joint cell phone account. He was added on to mine and he pays his share of the bill. We have a text messaging plan and until recently I've never noticed anything odd going on. Well, last week we got our bill in and it was about 75 dollars more than it usually is. So I went on line to check it out and see why. Apparently he had been sending text messages to a new female friend for a few weeks (she was not a member of the same service plan as we are so we get charged for them). These text message conversations were taking place nightly and lasting until 3:30-4:00 in the morning. I confronted him with this and he said it wasn't a big deal. She was having problems and they were talking about them. Now I have never met this girl and she was not a part of his life when he and I started dating. She works with him at a job he just recently started. When I told him this was very uncomfortable for me he said it would stop and he did not want there to be trouble. But now I can't get past it. I keep wondering what he was talking about with her for hours. And it wasn't just text messages. She would call him very late at night and they would talk for 20-30 minutes while I was in bed sleeping.

So, am I overreacting and being silly? Or is this something I should keep an eye on? Let me know what you all think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 12:00pm

Welcome to the board shann512,


Do I think you are overreacting or being silly? No. You have every right to be worried about this. This is something to keep an eye on and watch out for. If it was truely innocent, I would have thought it would have told you about her and what he problem was before this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 1:05pm

Welcome to the board shann512,


Sounds like you are feeling betrayed and that's normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 1:14pm
I just don't know how to handle it now. Should I lay down ground rules? Is it ok to ask him to stop talking to her? I'm not sure what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 1:28pm
It's a good idea to have a discussion about what is acceptable to both of you in a committed relationship and what's not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 5:44pm

IF this were purely innocent, why would this be going on when you are sure not to hear it? I talk to guys on the phone - but I don't leave the room, I speak openly in front of my DH. Secondly, he needs to realize that the only WOMAN he should be having discussions about feelings with - is you. Check out online definitions of "emotional affair" and explain to him that you understand he didn't mean to hurt you but you have been hurt. Use the definitions there to set boundaries you are both comfortable with.


PS : I'd be furious. My DH told me an old female friend email him once. He told he wasn't going to reply to her. 3 days later I walk in on him writing a long letter to her. Turned out they had been corresponding for the entire last 3 days. I was quite angry w/him and he was confused. I told him he has 3 days to mention the correspondence w/me and since he failed to do so, I'm going to be suspicious! He's never done anything like that again :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 7:03pm
I agree. I just don't understand why they needed to talk so much. Whether it be about his problems or hers. The whole thing just doesn't sit well with me. Thanks for the advice. I am going to sit and talk with him about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 3:31pm

He may very well be a good friend for her and she may be going through a hard time but why does she need to talk to him at that time and why is he agreeing to it? She may be getting emotionally attatched to him and he needs to nip that in the bud and not be a hero. Does he have that type of personality?