Am I overreacting? (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Am I overreacting? (long)
2
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:04pm
Hi,

I've been married to DH for 4 years (together for 7) and we have been having money problems--I am dismayed that he spent a ton of money that we couldn't afford and "neglected" to tell me about it until he had to....anyhow, we've been trying to work through that, and I still have a TON of anger about it but I hate to keep bringing it up and I also hate to be mad all the time. And something just happend that really upset me and I'm not sure if I'm just all emotional because I'm angry about other things or if I'm actually justified in feeling the way I do...

DH has a brother who has been single during DH's and mine relationship. He has never been married. About a year ago, the brother met this girl, moved in with her for a month, told everyone he couldn't stand it and dumped her. I don't know what has been going on in his personal life but it is clear that he has been lonely (calling DH 3 times a day, wanting to spend the weekend at our house, etc...) and he must've started emailing the girl again (since they had broken up she had joined the army and been deployed to Iraq)...anyhow, he decided that he would propose when she went on leave....ok...they're getting married next fall, etc etc...and we invited her over for dinner and I realized that I am going to have to try very very hard to like her. For various reasons she rubs me totally the wrong way and I honestly believe DH's brother is making a big mistake.

Anyhow, the next night, they decided that since she was going to get $400 a month extra from the army, they would get married before she went back. That means they're getting married tomorrow.

Ok.

Because of DH I/we have been on an extremely tight budget.

So tight that when he split the seam of his work pants, we couldn't afford a new pair.

I don't know how to sew but figured I'd better try because there weren't a whole lot of alternatives....

So I sewed them up and made a mess of it. They looked terrible and I didn't know how to do them any better.

Tonite, the second time she has been to our house, DH apparently brought out the pants and asked her if she knew how to sew. She did/does and fixed them perfectly.

I am feeling like he on purpose showed her something that I failed at and then gave her a chance to do better than me. I am hurt that he did that.

I realize I am not in competition with her and that there are bound to be things that she is better at than I am and vice versa....but I feel DH was out of place showing her something like that.....It makes me want to call up one of his work (read not close)friends and show them some of the things that DH has failed at so that they can show him up--I know that is petty and I would never do it, but thinking about it is giving me some satisfaction....

Am I out of line to be miffed with DH?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 11:43am
I think the sewing incident is upsetting you more now b/c of the other issues you have with your hubby. I would also be a little ticked if he gave the pants to her to fix, but it is not a huge deal, he just wanted them fixed.

You need to deal with the Bigger issue here which is your $$ money problems. Every little thing that happens will get blown up if you or him are still harboring anger about the $ situation.

The main problem I read in your post is that your husband spent $ you didn't have and didn't tell you -- which after 4 years is a nono! What did you spend the $ on? did he try to hide it from you?

I think both the husband and the wife should be involved in paying bills and savings. If you aren't involved, then you need to be even if you aren't working. I have a friend right now that is having a horrible time b.c she had always let her husband pay the bills, etc. and it turns out that he was getting way behind and now collection agencies are calling.

So sit down one day when you both have time, talk about your budget or make one if he hasn't, if you have one account or 2, discuss how the bills will be paid, and figure out ways to save $ - cut back on the cable or cell phone plan, call and see if you can get credit card interest rates lowered, that kind of stuff and see if you can find extra $$. I would also make a rule that neither of you can spend $100 on something without discussing it with the other = esp. if you only have one account.

I would assume that you would have done all of the above before getting married, and maybe you did, but talking about your $$ on a weekly or every other week basis is key.

Once you have a plan and a budget and your husband is sticking to it, then you will feel much better - the sewing thing won't seem such a big deal.

As for your brother-in-law he has got to make mistakes to learn and if marrying her is a mistake there is nothing you or your husband can do. So just relax and wait to see what happens.

By the way, I can't sew either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:03pm
I agree with batharine and would add that while you are upset and embarassed, this girl saved you money by fixing the pants.....


Carrie