Am I overreacting part 2

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Am I overreacting part 2
13
Sat, 02-09-2013 - 10:54am

<p>To add to myother post. I am frustrated with this relationship. My bf lives with me Monday thru Friday. We spend the weekends at his lake house. I pay all the bills for my house. He buys groceries but I do too. He pays his bills. Somehow I feel like he should contribute more. He makes more than twice as much as me and much better off. He claims both houses are ours. But technically their not. Shouldn't he be contributing more towards my place? &nbsp;I am really struggling to make ends meet as I have a son in college. Opinions would be appreciated</p><p>Best</p><p>Nancy</p>

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sat, 02-09-2013 - 1:31pm

I don't think anyone's advice is going to change from the many other times you've posted complaining about this man.

He's never going to be or act like or do the things you want him to be, act like or do.  You've been trying to force him to be what you want for what seems like years now.  If he hasn't "changed" by now, he's never going to.  And he shouldn't have to!  Why should he?  He could equally argue that you should be the one to "change" your expectations of him!

Have you ever actually sat him down and listed the things you want from him?  In a reasonable way, without shouting or crying?  What was his response, assuming you have?

The way I see it, you can 1) accept him the way he is and realize he's never going to magically morph into who you think he should be and stop complaining or 2) realize he's never going to magically morph into who you think he should be and end the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-1998
Sat, 02-09-2013 - 1:36pm

If "both houses are ours" do you hold title in common?

Assuming it's a long-term committed relationship, neither of you should be suffering financially from it. How much does "your" weekend place cost?

Of course if it's an extended date, then your finances are your own problems.

Cthulu Crochet

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 02-09-2013 - 1:42pm

  Let's see you have a house ; he has a house.  He makes more money than you do.  You want him to share his money with you so your bills and cost go down.  He won't. 

   He is not responsible for your financial situation.  If you want or need more money then it is up to you to make it.  It is that simple.

chaika

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Sat, 02-09-2013 - 1:47pm

I read both of your posts and my quick answer would be that you two simply are not on the same page with your relationship. 

I have been with my SO for 7 years now and we still keep all of our finances separate.  He moved in with me into my house that I own.  We agreed that he would pay half of the household bills and half of the groceries.  The only things we have together is are auto insurance, and it took us 5 years to even get to that point. 

From a practical (not emotional) standpoint, your BF is not doing anything wrong.  His first responsibility is to maintain his own home, as is yours.  If you broke up tomorrow, about the only expenses that would change would be a little bit in the utility bills, and that is about it. 

We have to be careful counting pennies.  If you offset the extra electricity and water of his 5 nights at your house with the 2 you spend at his and well.....you see where I am going with this. 

With all of that said, I do see where you are coming from.  And with your second post, I think your struggle is more than just about money, it is about the foundation of your R with him. 

You are moving onto into the couple (SO not BF) mode, where he is still in the BF mode.  Because of what happened this weekend, hopefully the door will be open for you two to discuss where you are.  Be careful getting into future stuff, and try to stay in the present. 

If my SO left me today, I would be hating it financially.  So I understand the feeling of the R being off balance financially.  My SO has to pay for pretty  much anything we do, because my finances are so tight (even with his contribution) and occasionally it does cause tension between us. 

Bottom line is I think you two need to talk about all of this.  Don't point fingers, and don't make it about right or wrong.  I say things like "Could you  help me understand," or "this is my perception."   "My perception of you cancelling dinner Friday night was that skiing was more important than our R and that you don't value my time."   "I understand you already had plans to go skiing on the same day as my GS's birthday party, but we had plans for Friday night, and I was hurt that you cancelled."

Hang in there and hopefully you two can work it out.  Remember, stating how you feel doesn't mean he is going to agree.  Just as you don't have to agree with him.  But it doesn't have to be a fight, either. 

Hugs....

Serenity

CL-Making a Second Marriage Work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 02-09-2013 - 3:37pm

I hear a commitment level disparity, and you're no longer satisfied with that.  That's okay, but it sounds like this twosome has had issues for a long time and nothing is being DONE about them.  I think you're a good candidate for counseling, together or separately or both.  It also just sounds like you don't have agreements in place, and all of it together sounds like a fairly weak relationship, to me, anyhow.  Communication is so important and so is making sure you each know just how important you are to each other - that seems to be missing.  If you are not discussing all of this, you're both responsible for things appearing to be pretty weak.  TALK!!!  You can either do that or go on wondering "WTF" forever, one is definitely preferable to the other.  Find out where you stand so you can start to figure out what is best for each of you.  Right now you kinda sound nowhere.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 02-09-2013 - 5:30pm

Well you would still have to pay utilities whether he was there or not, If he was on the house deed, then yes I would think he should pay half, but if not I don't think you can expect it. Sure it would be nice if he would offer but he hasn't. Have you ever asked him about chipping in since he's at your house the majority of the week? I mean he's not a mind reader so maybe you should just have a discussion with him about. I really don't think he has ny obligation to come to YOUR granddaughters B day party unless he wants to. But I do think it was rude of him to cancel out on a planned dinner that he knew you bought a turkey for unless there was a good reason that he had to go early. Bottom line is that it really doesn't sound like your getting what you want out of this relationship and maybe you should move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 02-09-2013 - 10:34pm

I replied more in my other post, but assuming that legally you own your house & he owns the lake house, I don't really feel that he should be paying the bills on your house since he also has his own house to support.  If he were living with you full time and had no other house, then he should be paying rent.  But really he's not a mind reader either.  have you ever told him that you are struggling financially and you feel that since he's practically living with you that you would like him to contribute some money toward expenses--definitely prase this like "i would really appreciate it or like it if you would contribute X dollars" not "you should be paying cause you're always here."  Obviously the fact that you're paying for your son's college isn't his issue.  I am not old fashioned and did live w/ my 2nd DH when we were engaged for a year but I think one problem that has arisen with people living together (or almost) is that there is no clear expectation.  In the old days when people didn't live together until they were married these issues didn't arise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 02-10-2013 - 2:25pm

You have been complaining about his skiing forever!  Obviously you two have different interests and expectation/committment regarding your relationship.  Are you staying with him because you are hoping that  he will help you out financially? 

Simply because he makes more than twice as much as you do, and you have a son in college, you cannot expect him to help out.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sun, 02-10-2013 - 4:35pm

I agree with what another poster (Serenity) posted. 

I also agree that living together vs. married can be complicated financially.

I think you and him sitting down, maybe with pen and paper, and talking about this could help.  Maybe not.  Maybe counseling would help.  It sounds like this began as a financial disagreement and moved into other parts of your relationship.

I know it is hard living together because there really are no legal rules of anything.  I would try talking to him and if that does not work, then try counseling.  And ask yourself, "is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?"  Maybe answering that question will help you decided if you want to stay with him or not. 

((hug))  wishing you happiness and hope you two can resolve this and move on to happier days.

 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 02-10-2013 - 8:01pm

mom_lovetodance wrote:
<p>To add to myother post. I am frustrated with this relationship. My bf lives with me Monday thru Friday. We spend the weekends at his lake house. I pay all the bills for my house. He buys groceries but I do too. He pays his bills. Somehow I feel like he should contribute more. He makes more than twice as much as me and much better off. He claims both houses are ours. But technically their not. Shouldn't he be contributing more towards my place?  I am really struggling to make ends meet as I have a son in college. Opinions would be appreciated</p><p>Best</p><p>Nancy</p>

Do you have a rental agreement signed by him stating that he will pay for his room and board for the times he is living at your place?  If not, why not? You expected a man who chooses to have activities which don't include you to now fork over his pay just because you're in over your head with a house note and a son in college?  Is the boy his? Why isn't your son's father paying college bills?

No techinically, your house is your house and the bank will come looking for you, not him, for their money. If his name isn't on the lease, and you didn't bother have him sign a document recognizing him as a tenant, and you wont' talk to him about doing just that because you're afraid to say something to him for fear he will leave you, then you're going to have to figure out some way to bring more money into your house on your own.

You and this guy are not compatible.. and you see how far into trouble your ignoring that simple fact of your life has gotten you--you are struggling to keep your roof over your head and he isn't about to come up off of his money to help you.  If that doesn't spell it out for you in large, red letters, then nothing will.  Get used to struggling in silence is about all anyone can say to you.

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