Am I a rebound?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Am I a rebound?
7
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:48am
I've recently been dating a sweetheart I met back in school ages ago. He had a crush on me back then but I blew him off. Twenty years later, he somehow turned into this amazingly wonderful guy and I was thrilled when he started to chase after me again.

The problem is I can't get his ex-gf out of my system. They dated for almost 10 years. When all her friends started to get married, she wanted to also but he wasn't ready. When they broke up, she put him through hell ... actually, I heard she did that throughout the relationship but he was never one to fight with the lady. In fact, it wasn't like he didn't want to marry her, he just wasn't ready. When she gave him the ultamatum, he unwilling put a deposit on an engagement ring ... but was never able to go through with it. Couple of months later, he found out she was dating a 'friend' ... the one he wasn't allowed to meet when they were dating.

Four months later, he bumped into me again. After dating for a couple of months, he proposed to me. I feel like a rebound and can't get over his previous relationship. Everytime I see the ring he gave me, I can't help but think of the one he bought for her. When he tells me he loves me and would do anything for me ... I can't help but to imagine he said those words to her. WHen I see thier pictures, I can't help but to think they look perfect for each other. When we talk about her, he still talks highly of her although he promises me he'd never contact her again. Should I have anything to worry about or should I proceed this relationship and assume it's healthy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 9:55am
Regardless of a past love, 2 months is really quick to get engaged.

I agree that this is a rebound just by definition. He got involved too fast, too quick. How often does he talk of her? Why have you seen her pictures? It might be up to you to be the rational one here and slow things down. Talk to him about dating for a while before talking about marriage again.

I went through a similar situation. He was recently separated and about to be legally divorced. Their relationship was over-she cheated on him with his co-worker- but he was still too angry to move on and we moved really fast. Eventually he freaked out and left me abruptly totally breaking my heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 5:37pm
In addition to what gina said, I would add, everyone's photo album is filled with the 'best days', the good photos, it's usually only a reflection of the good times. No one takes pictures during the middle of a fight, crying fit, etc.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 6:03pm
It's a tough call ... rebound or not? I can certainly understand your feelings. My guy is a saver ... he saves everything from the good old days! *L* I too have seen pics of all of his ex's but I've also seen the pics of his guy friends because he saved those too. I, on the other hand, am not like that. When things became really serious between us, I threw out all the pictures and gave away gifts I had received from ex's. I like to start anew. That's the difference in our personalities. Since you knew each other before and he had a crush on you in the past, it's hard to tell if it's a rebound. He may have been carrying your memory with him all these years and perhaps that's why he was so hesitant to marry her ... she just wasn't you!! He's told you how he feels so I'm guessing you've talked with him about this. He's expressed how he feels about you. If you trust him and love him ... go with your heart. Just a little side note, my parents have been married for 52 years. One week before they met, my mother's then boyfriend proposed to her and she said no, she wasn't ready to get married. She met my dad a week later, they dated for two weeks and got married. They are still as much in love today as they were back then. Sometimes, you just know when it's right! ... Good luck to you and I hope everything turns out the way you want!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 6:20pm
Why would you call him rebounding from his ex? She had given him an ultimatum but unfortunately he then bought a ring for her, but fortunately later on, he recended the offer. He is completely through with her.

I think he is very much in love with you and wants to marry you. YOu should be very happy.

So be happy and good luck in your future marriage with him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 12:38pm
Thanks for your reply.

What you said about him being over her ... I guess that is the problem ... I sometimes don't think he is.

I'm recently unemployed and just started my job search. A month into my search, he offered (even after he promised me he won't contact her anymore) to see if I wanted him to contact his ex for her help since she has a good network.

I mean he's probably asking out of good heart and I honestly appreciate it but I can't help but to wonder if he has other motives.

When him and I first started, he immediately called his ex for coffee. He said he wanted to close his chapter with her by telling her about me. I think he also wanted to confirm and hear it from her that she was now dating the 'friend (he was never allowed to meet)'. During their meeting, he disclosed some of MY personal feelings to her. I was really outraged when he told me he told her. I asked him why he would want to tell her such personal things about me to her and his reply was, 'I wasn't thinking'. It appears she still has a great influence on him and is able to still manipulate him to tell/do things. I was very hurt that he could betray my secrets to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 12:53pm
Thanks for replying and sharing your experience. It even hurts second-hand just hearing about your broken heart - I hope it's all patched up now. ;)

Well, he talks about her often. I'm recently searching for a job and he offers to contact her since he claims she has an amazing network. When we're at a candy store, he happens to make reference about what a health nut his ex was. Then he goes and saying that's why we shouldn't introduce junk food to our kids so soon if we want to eat healthy ...

So you see, little small daily things elicit thoughts about her. I'm divided. Are those thoughts healthy? I mean he did spend the last 10 years with her. Even if she was a friend, he'd be making reference about her. Or does he really miss her and is still attached to her?

There's also a monkey wrench to our story. They share the same group of close friends. So when they have gatherings, they're bound to bump into one another. And I'm sure thier friends will talk also e.g. telling him about her, etc.

And thanks for your advice. I totally agree. Since I'm not sure if I'm a rebound or not ... I've post-poned the wedding for the end of next year. Just so we have enough time to really rediscover each other. My parents divorced when I was very young. I don't want to repeat that mistake.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 1:03pm
Love you story. I almost cried when I read your reply ... thank you! Your story touched me very deeply. Funny think is ... I can almost hear him tell me that story. When I ask him why he proposed, he said he just knew. He says he's a very indecisive person but this thing he just knew.

Right before we bumped into each other again, he said he had thoughts of me and spoke to his friends about it. His friends called him crazy but he was still determined ... he said somehow, he just knew ... even before we met (again).

And you're right, this guy is a saver. He saves everything. He used to be a photographer so he took many pictures of girls ... not to mention the guys too. hum ... should I be worried about something else ... j/k ;)