Am I second best or selfish?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Am I second best or selfish?
2
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 11:52am
My BF and I have been dating for 2 years and living together for the past year. When we met, we discussed that neither of us wanted to get married. (I was married for 15 years and he has never took that plunge). He would take me out and come over and spend time with my me and my kids at first. He had me meet all of his friends within the first 2 months we were dating. I met his family after 4 months of dating. They are wonderful and we all get along so well. He loves the idea of having a girlfriend (especially for weekends with the other couples and family gatherings).

After a while, I started feeling like I am second best to everyone and everything. His friends always seem to come first before everything. He tells me that he enjoys hanging out with the guys all the time and that I need to give him his space. He seems to spend almost every waking moment with them. He doesn't mind if I hang out with him and his friends but, we never have any quality time together. He thinks our quality time is when he comes home and goes to bed. This is usually somewhere between 10-12 p.m. and I get up at 5:30 a.m. to go to work.

He is very active in the outdoors. So, I started to take up some of his hobbies so that we can spend more time together. I really enjoy the fishing and hunting. He has taught me how to do these things and I have really become pretty good at them. I really enjoy the time we spend together doing these things. But, again it is always with his friends. The very few times we have done these things together, he feels is not as exciting as with his buddies. They always have to tag along or he goes with them and not with me.

He only works a few days a week and I work a full 5 days. When he is not working, he is with his buddies if not fishing or hunting. He also takes little vacations with his buddies all year long. We hardly ever do anything just the two of us. I feel like all I do is work (at home too) and he just plays. He helps at a minimal on anything that needs to be done at home.

I do enjoy being around his friends a lot of the times but, not every day. I do believe that he does love me and he does show a lot of affection towards me in front of his family and his friends. He is always asking me if I am hungry, thirsty, cold, too hot etc. Every night he kisses me before bed and wraps his arms around me all night long. We have sex probably about 7 times a week. He will tolerate anyone saying anything that may come across as a rude, obnoxious or obscene comment to me or he is all over them. There are many things that he does that really shows me that he cares and loves me in his own special way.

Yet, for my b-day this year, he didn't even get me a card. We went fishing together but, I never got a single thing from him. He told me that he was going to take me for my b-day present that next weekend and there wasn't even a mention of it when that time came and went. His b-day was 2 weeks later and I never got him a thing. It really hurt me to do it but, I am still very bitter about my b-day to this day. I go way out of my way for this man and I can't believe that he couldn't even get me a card when I had told him 3 days before my b-day how much it hurts me when he forgets about me on special days such as Valentine's Day, Sweetest Day, my b-day, etc. He doesn't like any holidays or trying to buy cards or gifts for anyone.

I drive this man to work and pick him up because he doesn't have a license. I do everything I can to make him happy but, I feel like he doesn't do anything to show me that appreciates the things I do for him. I have expressed to him that I feel like I am second best to everything and everyone. He tells me that he would never hurt me intentionally and never wants me to feel second best because he doesn't feel that way. He says that he loves me and always wants me in his life.

He has been upon vacation right now for the past 5 days with 2 of his buddies and he told me that he was going call me 2 days ago and I have not even got a phone call from him.

I really do love him but, am I just spinning my wheels with this man? Or am I being the selfish one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 1:33pm
You are not selfish in my opinion. This man has it made. You drive him everywhere. He spends all his free time with his friends, BUT where's the alone time with his partner (you), like once a week (or every other week) date night, doing something as a couple, something you would want to do. The focus is on his needs, wants, desires and he gets what he wants. However, you've 'enabled' him to continue this way.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 2:46pm

i agree with the other poster - you are not being selfish. however you are doing things to sabotage your own happiness.


first - you got into a relationship, and you are doing everythign FOR the other person. you are chauffering him around (just out of curiosity - if he has not licesense - how did he get around before you ??). doing all the house work, picking up HIS hobbies, etc. you are doing all of this stuff, ostensibly for "the relationship" but in reality - its like you are putting your SELF on hold, YOUR needs on hold, etc - and only "doing for the other person". that is not healthy. and i have definately BTDT - but i know that its not healthy. so start there - start by planning your day around YOUR schedule, YOUR needs, YOUR desires.


second - its possible that THIS "relationship" is what he is looking for. if it wasn't - he wouldn't be there. he is fine with sleeping with you, he is fine taking you along when he doesn't want to be alone, but being able to persue his own life otherwise. I am not saying that this is 'right' or 'wrong' - but its the way he is. if YOU don't like it - then YOU have to either work with him on changing things, or learn to accept it, or move on.


third - it sounds like you are doing alot of score keeping. which may be understandable under the circumstances but really is not a good way to have an adult relationship. people do stuff for their loved ones all the time. if you don't want to do something for him - then you shouldn't. if you feel - objectively - that your relationship is unbalanced - then you need to rethink things.