am i settling or doing the right thing?
my boyfriend is committment-hobic. 2 months ago he got into the stage where he "needed some space" so after some struggling, we finally decided to break up. the breakup lasted two days, he decided to get back together. we hung out some more and got closer, slowly worked out our problems. for the past month we've been getting more intimate than ever, then suddenly, he's "gone" again. something about the intimacy probably triggered his need to pull away. that i can accept. men need to pull away and then come back closer... and this time he's handling it better than last time. we still talk, kiss, just don't see each other often. this has already been going on for a week and half. i am getting aggitated. there are some feelings i'd like to share with him, about how there are things im not content with this relationship - but right now he's distant and its just not a good time to talk. i am thinking about telling him in a couple days, hopefully when he's more receptive to my feelings.
my problem is that i'm so tired of being the one waiting, caring, worrying. i wish i could just not worry about it, but i love him and it's painful to not have him "there". it's hurtful when he gets distant. am i settling because im willing to wait for him to "come back" even though this might happen again? im not happy when this happens and right now i haven't even talked to him about it, i simply accept his ways with some degrees of even resentment. or am i doing the right thing knowing that's how some men are and just stick around? give him space? i don't want to come across as controling, but i don't want to compromise my feelings. basically is this normal and acceptable? should i suck it up and wait for a better tomorrow, and draw the line because by doing this he's alrady kind of driving me away.
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You deserve better and certainly can find better than this.
Jennifer
"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi
Many men as soon as they feel the need for intimacy, or have expressed their love will suddenly pull back...as if to say "what have I said?" Suddenly the picture 'forever after' scares the daylights out of them!
Perhaps you might try distracting yourself from the situation (very difficult)visit friends, pursue a hobby, go to the movies, etc. Show that you aren't about to stop living, even if inside you long to be with him. Sometimes the change in you will force HIM to re-consider his position and maybe decide that he does want to be the loving attentive person you need and deserve.
If you find after some time (that is IF you know you love him) that matters aren't changing then make that final decision. EVERY relationship is different, as each person is different. So trust your instincts, and be true to yourself.....most important.
Hope the outcome is all for the best.
Have you read: He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
Carrie
How long have you been dating this guy?Does he make it an every other month thing where he needs this "break"? Im showing some red flags here. Onve needing to get away, rethin kthings- fine, but all of the time?He has got you on an emotional rollercoater and thats not fair.
I would calmly sit down and talk to him and tell him that its either work things out TOGETHER , or walk away...but this time, you need to walk away for good. It seems like he only wants to be close when its convenient fro him.Truth is, relationships arent always convenient- they sometime need to be worked at .
There is a huge difference between pulling away for a while and breaking up until he feels lonely. This isn't "Men are from Mars' behavior where the man goes into his cave but reassures the woman that he will be back.
'my problem is that i'm so tired of being the one waiting, caring, worrying. '
Then don't. Take control and leave. Find someone who wants to be with you.
"am i settling because im willing to wait for him to "come back" even though this might happen again?" -- Why do you say "might" happen again? You've established that this is his M.O. in the relationship. What makes you think it's going to change at some point?
"I haven't even talked to him about it, i simply accept his ways" -- Well certainly nothing will change if you don't even discuss your feelings about it. If he doesn't know you have a problem with his behavior, you can't really expect any change. Even if you do discuss it, he probably won't change.
Go to couple's counselling if you *both* really want to work this out. But if he doesn't agree there's a problem and doesn't think he needs to change anything, then I'd say move on if you're not content with the relationship AS IS. If you stay after that, then yes, it's settling. You probably will never be truly happy or content b/c you will not be getting what you want and need from this relationship. It's not his fault if he's incapable of behaving in the way you want and need an SO to behave in order for you to be happy and content in the relationship. You will have to own responsibility for your own unhappiness if you decide to stay after discovering if that's the case. Best wishes.
sorry i wasn't so clear on the issue. we've been dating for almost 9 months now. i think the first time he needed space was 6 months into the relationship. now around 8 and half i think it's happening again. he never really said it out loud, but i believe my intuition, and i can feel that he's just distant. im not trying to make excuses for him but he's handling it a lot better this time. last time he knew he loved me but wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship with me, and this time he still does. he walks me to classes and kisses me goodbye. he just doesn't feel the urgency to see me anymore.
having a life outside the relationship isn't a problem for me. i have learned not to make him my whole but only part of my life. i have hobbies and things to do, enough to keep me busy. last night i broke down and then developed this "i don't care" attitude. i am not even gonna try and talk to him. he's actually responding MORE now. i think that's a good thing. i will definitely have a talk with him. i don't think anything would change unless he realizes how serious these "little" things are.
his problem is that he's not close enough, but not far enough either. my problem is that i'm stuck between a past i can't let go and a dream i want but can't reach with him.
Edited 2/25/2004 10:25:09 PM ET by melody127
Does that really make up for how you feel when he pulls away. If it did, and you were content with the relationship, you wouldn't be posting here
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