am i settling or doing the right thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
am i settling or doing the right thing?
12
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 8:51pm
my boyfriend is committment-hobic. 2 months ago he got into the stage where he "needed some space" so after some struggling, we finally decided to break up. the breakup lasted two days, he decided to get back together. we hung out some more and got closer, slowly worked out our problems. for the past month we've been getting more intimate than ever, then suddenly, he's "gone" again. something about the intimacy probably triggered his need to pull away. that i can accept. men need to pull away and then come back closer... and this time he's handling it better than last time. we still talk, kiss, just don't see each other often. this has already been going on for a week and half. i am getting aggitated. there are some feelings i'd like to share with him, about how there are things im not content with this relationship - but right now he's distant and its just not a good time to talk. i am thinking about telling him in a couple days, hopefully when he's more receptive to my feelings.

my problem is that i'm so tired of being the one waiting, caring, worrying. i wish i could just not worry about it, but i love him and it's painful to not have him "there". it's hurtful when he gets distant. am i settling because im willing to wait for him to "come back" even though this might happen again? im not happy when this happens and right now i haven't even talked to him about it, i simply accept his ways with some degrees of even resentment. or am i doing the right thing knowing that's how some men are and just stick around? give him space? i don't want to come across as controling, but i don't want to compromise my feelings. basically is this normal and acceptable? should i suck it up and wait for a better tomorrow, and draw the line because by doing this he's alrady kind of driving me away.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 12:11am
Oh geez, I don't really have much in the ways of advice for you but I do think you are settling for less. You are obviously unfulfilled and not getting your needs met at all. The entire relationship seems to revolve around him and honey, that's not healthy. Even though you love him and it hurts, it might be best that you pick up and move on. His issues are his and you shouldn't be impacted in this way by them because now you have issues. I'm guessing that you are always there for him through whatever he goes through, whatever he's feeling, right? But who's there for you?

You deserve better and certainly can find better than this.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 6:05am
One gathers from the emotions expressed that you are really hurting over the lack of feelings shown by your boyfriend.

Many men as soon as they feel the need for intimacy, or have expressed their love will suddenly pull back...as if to say "what have I said?" Suddenly the picture 'forever after' scares the daylights out of them!

Perhaps you might try distracting yourself from the situation (very difficult)visit friends, pursue a hobby, go to the movies, etc. Show that you aren't about to stop living, even if inside you long to be with him. Sometimes the change in you will force HIM to re-consider his position and maybe decide that he does want to be the loving attentive person you need and deserve.

If you find after some time (that is IF you know you love him) that matters aren't changing then make that final decision. EVERY relationship is different, as each person is different. So trust your instincts, and be true to yourself.....most important.

Hope the outcome is all for the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 2:47pm
Personally, I think it's better if you don't wait.

Have you read: He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 3:54pm

How long have you been dating this guy?Does he make it an every other month thing where he needs this "break"? Im showing some red flags here. Onve needing to get away, rethin kthings- fine, but all of the time?He has got you on an emotional rollercoater and thats not fair.


I would calmly sit down and talk to him and tell him that its either work things out TOGETHER , or walk away...but this time, you need to walk away for good. It seems like he only wants to be close when its convenient fro him.Truth is, relationships arent always convenient- they sometime need to be worked at .


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 4:16pm
'that i can accept. men need to pull away and then come back closer...'


There is a huge difference between pulling away for a while and breaking up until he feels lonely. This isn't "Men are from Mars' behavior where the man goes into his cave but reassures the woman that he will be back.


'my problem is that i'm so tired of being the one waiting, caring, worrying. '

Then don't. Take control and leave. Find someone who wants to be with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 5:35pm
"men need to pull away and then come back closer" -- Not all men.

"am i settling because im willing to wait for him to "come back" even though this might happen again?" -- Why do you say "might" happen again? You've established that this is his M.O. in the relationship. What makes you think it's going to change at some point?

"I haven't even talked to him about it, i simply accept his ways" -- Well certainly nothing will change if you don't even discuss your feelings about it. If he doesn't know you have a problem with his behavior, you can't really expect any change. Even if you do discuss it, he probably won't change.

Go to couple's counselling if you *both* really want to work this out. But if he doesn't agree there's a problem and doesn't think he needs to change anything, then I'd say move on if you're not content with the relationship AS IS. If you stay after that, then yes, it's settling. You probably will never be truly happy or content b/c you will not be getting what you want and need from this relationship. It's not his fault if he's incapable of behaving in the way you want and need an SO to behave in order for you to be happy and content in the relationship. You will have to own responsibility for your own unhappiness if you decide to stay after discovering if that's the case. Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 10:08pm
thank you guys for your support. deep inside i know you are right, and deep inside i know if im not happy with it, after a while i will walk away. i am pretty much a perfectionist, and i don't like settling for less.

sorry i wasn't so clear on the issue. we've been dating for almost 9 months now. i think the first time he needed space was 6 months into the relationship. now around 8 and half i think it's happening again. he never really said it out loud, but i believe my intuition, and i can feel that he's just distant. im not trying to make excuses for him but he's handling it a lot better this time. last time he knew he loved me but wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship with me, and this time he still does. he walks me to classes and kisses me goodbye. he just doesn't feel the urgency to see me anymore.

having a life outside the relationship isn't a problem for me. i have learned not to make him my whole but only part of my life. i have hobbies and things to do, enough to keep me busy. last night i broke down and then developed this "i don't care" attitude. i am not even gonna try and talk to him. he's actually responding MORE now. i think that's a good thing. i will definitely have a talk with him. i don't think anything would change unless he realizes how serious these "little" things are.

his problem is that he's not close enough, but not far enough either. my problem is that i'm stuck between a past i can't let go and a dream i want but can't reach with him.


Edited 2/25/2004 10:25:09 PM ET by melody127

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 7:25pm
also would it make a difference that when he's not distant, he's the most wonderful bf? he would take me to breakfast sometimes, give me a ride to school everyday, said that he loved me all the time? i've been so spoiled a little absense from his part really confuses me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 7:43pm
That doesn't erase the fact that you have broken up, or "then suddenly, he's "gone" again." or that you "just don't see each other often." or that you are "so tired of being the one waiting, caring, worrying." or that "it's hurtful when he gets distant."

Does that really make up for how you feel when he pulls away. If it did, and you were content with the relationship, you wouldn't be posting here




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 10:01pm
So what if he's nice to you. Lots of people are nice, kind, caring and will treat you like a queen. But...the key factor is: Do they know what they want? Are they certain what they want is YOU? Someone who IS certain (and IS emotionally healthy and ready for a relationship) will not feel the need to pull away and need to break it off with you at regular intervals. So in answer to your question, No, that would not make a difference to me. I would still see your situation as not fulfilling, not satisfying for me and not totally what I am looking for in a partner, so I'd move on. Nice guys are all around. A guy being nice and treating you well doesn't automatically mean he's the right guy for you. Nice, good people find they are incompatible every day. The ones who have not settled and have looked until they found something that they are truly content and happy with don't post here asking others for opinions on what they should do. They don't need to. They know for certain they've got exactly what they're looking for. And a person only finds that when they don't settle. You can't find something that's right for you as long as you remain in something that isn't. You get what you accept for yourself, nothing more.

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