am i settling or doing the right thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
am i settling or doing the right thing?
12
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 8:51pm
my boyfriend is committment-hobic. 2 months ago he got into the stage where he "needed some space" so after some struggling, we finally decided to break up. the breakup lasted two days, he decided to get back together. we hung out some more and got closer, slowly worked out our problems. for the past month we've been getting more intimate than ever, then suddenly, he's "gone" again. something about the intimacy probably triggered his need to pull away. that i can accept. men need to pull away and then come back closer... and this time he's handling it better than last time. we still talk, kiss, just don't see each other often. this has already been going on for a week and half. i am getting aggitated. there are some feelings i'd like to share with him, about how there are things im not content with this relationship - but right now he's distant and its just not a good time to talk. i am thinking about telling him in a couple days, hopefully when he's more receptive to my feelings.

my problem is that i'm so tired of being the one waiting, caring, worrying. i wish i could just not worry about it, but i love him and it's painful to not have him "there". it's hurtful when he gets distant. am i settling because im willing to wait for him to "come back" even though this might happen again? im not happy when this happens and right now i haven't even talked to him about it, i simply accept his ways with some degrees of even resentment. or am i doing the right thing knowing that's how some men are and just stick around? give him space? i don't want to come across as controling, but i don't want to compromise my feelings. basically is this normal and acceptable? should i suck it up and wait for a better tomorrow, and draw the line because by doing this he's alrady kind of driving me away.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 9:17am
I completely back Zurah on this one. Do you realize that eventually you'll be sitting on the edge of your seat wondering when he's gonna pull away again? You won't be able to relax or be completely comfortable in this situation. You'll always wonder how long this streak of good times will last. Can you make any long term plans with him? You'll become unsettled. Do you really want to make that sacrafice? Are you only good enough to be treated like a part-time queen and only at his convenience? Or would you rather have the consistency of being treated well all the time? That decision is up to you but really you shouldn't make excuses for him. Something is not right there and you are gonna wind up broken hearted.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 11:42pm
you guys are right. well it's not that easy just to see something's not perfect and walk away. i am in love with this guy and ever since we've been together i've always been sure he is my great one. he often talks about a future with me and he truly makes me happy. still does. it's just hard when he's not around at times. i might be a fool, but im not ready to give up right now. the reason we broke up was because we weren't connecting at all. he wasn't sure what he wanted although he knew he loved me, and i just didn't feel like dealing with this anymore. we broke up and got back togehter. couples do that. this time though he pulled away for a week and half... emotionally. but he still walks me to classes and kiss me, trying to show he cares but i know emotionally he's being distant.

we had a talk last night. it was perhaps the most heart-to-heart talk ever, and there's a difference when you are looking straight into his eyes and telling him exactly how you. i told him he needed to show affection more, little things such as holding hands and making phone calls. i also told him these were the little things i need and will eventually drive me away from him if i can't have those. i just reassurance from him, and i told him it really hurts when he pulled away when i needed him. we listened with patience and in the end we made up, and reached an agreement for me to take things less seriously, and for him to pay more attention to my needs.

he called today just to say hi and said he had a movie and some pop corn for me. im really happy with him, especially like this. and yes you guys are still right, this could just be another period, and he could end up pulling away again... but after 9 months, i think i can handle another 2nd chance. im not ready to give up right now and please don't critisize me for being hopeful.

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