Am I too insecure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2011
Am I too insecure?
22
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 9:21am
I've been dating a woman for two years. We both came from a marriage prior to our relationship. She was in a 20 year marriage and I was in a 17 year relationship 7 of which I was married. She sometimes talks about her ex which I find to much. She always seems to bring him into a conversation and it bothers me and I've made it perfectly clear to her. Just a few examples last week her and I went Xmas shopping. I was looking at leather coats and she had to mention how she purchased one for her ex some years ago. I can say I like a certain food and shell say "oh Rick likes them too". On a few occasions we were discussing our sex like and shell make comments like "oh Rick was a pro at that". I could go on and on... I understand she spent a long time with him but it's been over two years since they were tog. I too spent most of my life with one person but don't bring my ex up very often because I respect the fact she might not want to hear about it. This makes me feel like she misses him and still has strong feelings for him even though she was the one who wanted out of the marriage.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 1:02pm
"it bothers me and I've made it perfectly clear to her"

I can see how it can make someone feel insecure that already was not! I used to bring up my ex (mostly in a negative way) to my boyfriend 3 years go, but then made it my resolution to never bring him up again to my boyfriend. So I'm proof that someone can do it (I may mention the ex on here as example to help someone, but that's different).

If you've said to her that it bothers you (how many times have you had to say this?) and she doesn't stop I find that extremely rude. You don't have to stay and put up with that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2011
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 2:44pm
I've told her how I felt about this at least 3-4 times. We have a very good relationship and I'm happy other wise. I feel her comments are disrespectful and sometimes intentional. Most of them are positive in nature with the occasional negative comment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 4:11pm

After 20 yrs together I think it's just hard to get out of the habit of mentioning the ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 4:33pm

Did she ever say that she was sorry and going to work on it?

Was she aware of your feelings and wanted to stop?

If she brings his name up constantly, but you've said it to her 3-4 times how it makes you feel, what do you do/say right after she does it again for all the other times? As in RIGHT AFTER?

I wonder if she needs to be pointed out immediately after she says it to make her aware that she did it again. Sometimes people catch themselves after it's too late or not at all. I do however, feel that telling her 3-4 times should really be sufficient, but if you enjoy everything else about the relationship maybe try my suggestion.

"Say honey, I know you realize how I feel about comments about your ex, and you said you are going to try to stop that (if she did in fact say that), but you still do it. I don't think we've resolved anything, in fact I feel a little miffed that you know how I feel and you continue to do it. Next time you bring up so and so, I'm going to let you know that you've done it again because perhaps you aren't aware of it like I am."

Saying that whatshisface was a pro at something sexually is kind of a dig though!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 12-03-2011 - 12:39am

I don't think you're insecure at all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2011
Sat, 12-03-2011 - 9:42am

Sienna, yes she has said sorry and that she would work on it as well.

I've made it perfectly clear and she knows that ex shouldn't be brought up.

The times that i've brought it up were both right after and a few days later. So yes I've pointed it out immediately.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2011
Sat, 12-03-2011 - 9:57am

Fissatore, when she brings him up i feel like it's a slap in the face now cause I've told her not to so many times. She clearly knows how I feel about it, either she's insenstive or absent minded. But I do feel she can be insenstive sometimes...They have a 17 year old daughter which he wants nothing to do with since the div. He didnt and still isn't taking the div well.

It's my understanding that she had an affair 4 years into the marriage and the rel never really got over it. She told me she hasn't loved him in many years and that her daughter was older now and she felt she needed to get out of the marriage. I've known her for 4 years and she bascially told me when she found out i was getting div she wanted to persue me, hence her way out of the marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 12-03-2011 - 11:52am

You were her way out of her marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sat, 12-03-2011 - 12:22pm

In what other ways can she be insensitive?

Hmm, if telling her right after everytime she does it is not working, I might have to try a different approach like physically leaving the room - negative reinforcement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 1:36pm
I dated someone who was still hung up about his ex wife. "Julia, julia, julia..." It made me insecure in the relationship and he never understood why it did. That ended. This woman you are dating has not gotten over it. You are being too nice. I wasted a year of my life w/someone who was not over his ex. I would talk w/her again, and then if she really doesn't understand, cut it off. When I meet new people now, if they obsess about an ex, I do not go out w/them.

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