Am I wasting my valuable time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Am I wasting my valuable time?
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 2:01pm

Am I wasting my time, being too analytical, hypersensitive, and becoming someone who I don’t’ want to be, such as being crafty and worrying about every little detail?

My boyfriend (30) and I (25) have been dating for ten months now. He started living with me when we were dating for a couple of months, since he was jobless and homeless; so our relationship quickly got serious. As many of my friends and relatives say, he was a freeloader and took advantage of me. But I liked him so much (still do), was head over heals and therefore was happy to take care of him. He is my first love and perhaps that is why I am making wrong decisions, such as deciding to continue this relationship.

He has recently moved out of town and I see him about every two weeks and talk to him every day. With this long distance relationship, we seem to enjoy each other more, the fact that we aren’t together 24/7. We both are just so happy when we’re together; we fit like hand and gloves! And I believe he’s realized what a wonderful girlfriend I am (not to sound arrogant) and that he is very lucky to have someone like me.

Here’s a problem: I found out a lot of information from reading his diary and email. I’ve known his “secrets” for about six months now. I’d find negative adjectives with my name, and great words with other girls’ names. And he was planning to invite his other girl to the States at the time; basically keeping her in the circle while dating me. I guess things got more serious than he expected with me, so I’m the only one on his list for now.

Knowing that he definitely wasn’t 100% committed to me, I still treat him like he’s the best. He’s told me that he could not commit to marriage, and the worst thing he’d ever do to me is breakup with me. My excuse is that this warning to me was a “while” ago, and I keep seeing things get better and therefore think that there may be a chance. Chance that he may ask me to move and live with him? Chance that someday he’ll ask me to marry him?

So am I wasting my time thinking that he’ll someday love me like I love him? If I know that I’m not the “one,” is it silly that I continue dating him (long distance) no matter how much I like him?

Thanks so much,

Acting Like There’s no Tomorrow, Washington, DC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 2:38pm
What type of negative things were there and why have you not confronted him by now about this?? So, why did he move out of town?? And how come this guy could afford email but not have a job and was homeless?? I think, by what you've stated so far, that you are being used. Does he come see you every two weeks or are you the one doing all the traveling and why only every two weeks?? And guys do not think like we (females) do....why you're saying and hoping "he believes Im a wonderful girlfriend and he's lucky to have me" he is probably thinking "what a sucker she is". I would move on. This guy is a bum!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 3:29pm
First, thanks for your message.

I do not have the courage to confront him about me being this sneaky girl and invading his privacy. I one time was using his laptop and that's when I got some unwanted info. We had a fight about this...he thought that I got mad over reading his diary from the past years, but what I actually read was his diary from just a few days ago.

He's wrote that I'm not intellectual, I could be skinnier, wanting to move out b/c he has no space of his own. I read about how weird I was acting, very moody (I got moody since I found more unwanted info w/o telling him. I acted like I got mad at him for no reason)

He'd write to his girl and tell her that he cannot wait to see her, misser her, etc. but the only problem is that he's not settled (no job, house.) He told her that he was living with his dad (when he was living with me) and jobless and therefore not a good idea to come at that time. I went crazy and deleted one of her emails and I think from that they lost connection! Gosh I hope I'm not becoming a psycho.

He moved to NY for a good job offer. And we alternate the visitings. It's only been a couple months that we've been doing this, so...

I feel lost now, don't even know what my question exactly is. Well, I guess I feel like he really like me, shows that to me, says it to me...but then I have these supspicious feelings and start wasting my time by checking out his email! And what do i find....Flirtatious emails. Let's say I know that it was not serious, but gets me very angry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 5:18pm
I agree that you have no right reading his is an invasion of privacy, but now what's done is done and you found out some details about this man that should give you warnings that he is not good enough for you. You followed your suspicions and found out you were right, so don't feel too guilty about reading his email. I think everyone at some time is guilty of sneakiness, and usually with good reason...or just plain curiosity.

The things he says to this other girl even if he is not necessarily acting on it, says one thing...he's not happy with what he's got. Why would you want to waste your time with someone who does not see you for the great person i'm sure you are?

i hope this doesn't seem too harsh.

good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 5:50pm
He thinks you are not skinny or smart or even-tempered enough. He romances other women and lies to them. He lies to you. He didn't have a job yet he has a laptop and lived freely off of you and you hope he will propose one day?

' I feel like he really like me, shows that to me, says it to me'

Does he respect you?

Yes, I think you are wasting your valuable time with him.