Am I wrong

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Am I wrong
2
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 11:37am
Hello, I need to know if I'm wrong here. I've been going out with this great guy for 6 months now and things are becoming more and more serious. We love each other and have a lot of fun. The problem is that is ex-girlfriend, who he has left 4 years ago is still around. They've been together for 8 years and decided to remain friends after the break-up. I think it's nice to be able to do that, but the thing is she is more than a casual friend that he talks to once in a while. She calls him almost everyday, even at work (something I am not allowed to do) and insists on seeing him once a week or every other week. She often calls early on the morning while I'm sleeping over at his place or in the middle of diner. Now the last thing I learned: she still hangs out with his mom, inviting her to the theater once in a while! This makes me feel like I have to compete to convince his mom that I'm actually greater than her and the best choice for him. *sigh*

I have not met his ex yet. I keep telling him that meeting her could help, but he's scared of introducing us 'cause he thinks I'll be mean to her (c'mon! I'm 28 years old!). When I tell him that I'm uncomfortable with the situation, that he should set some boundaries for her not to cross, he looks at me like I'm strange and not understanding. I know they are not getting back together ever, so this is not pure jealousy on my part, but I feel she's the kind of person who needs to maintain some grip on their ex and he is allowing her to do it. Am I wrong here? Am I a mean person with jealousy issues? Should I be happy that he has a great relationship with his ex and be okay that she's still somehow "part of his family"(she hangs with his sister too!)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
In reply to: annieville
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 11:50am
You're not wrong at all. I-too-think it's great that they're mature enough to remain friends after a break up. And I understand that she was a part of his family for some time. But I think it's his responsibility as well as hers (as a woman) to understand there should be some boundaries. It's black and white. He knows-she knows-but it's like they won't commit to the boundaries. #1) Calling him at work should not be an option for her-if it's not for you. You are his significant other right now-therefore the need for you to communicate with him during the day is far greater than hers. He should understand that. He should tell her that he can't receive phone calls at work anymore. #2) You should meet her. It's NOT fair for him to make you the "bad guy". Saying that you may be mean to her. He's protecting her and her feelings over yours. Completely unfair. You've been understanding so far. He's underestimating you and NOT appreciating your support. Who knows-maybe you guys could be friends-I'm amazed-and impressed with your willingness to make this situation work. What's he afraid of? Maybe you could take it upon yourself to arrange a meeting. Maybe plan a surprise party for him-ask him for some names of friends, etc. Can you think "reason" you may need to get in touch with her? When you're at his place-conveniently send him out for breakfast-or grab something for dinner. Then when the phone rings you can answer it. Introduce yourself and tell her you've heard a lot of good things about her-that you two should meet. How do you think that would fly? Looking at the big picture-you are very much NOT in the wrong. How would your boyfriend feel if you had the same relationship with your ex. Maybe tell him someday that you've got dinner plans with an ex of yours. See how he takes it. Tell him it's no big deal. When he's really upset tell him "HEY! Welcome to my world!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: annieville
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 12:47pm
You are not wrong.... Let Dr Laura tell him about his behavior - 10 things couples do to mess up their relationship.

There are so many red flags her:

1) She calls him almost everyday

2) insists on seeing him once a week or every other week.

3) She often calls early on the morning while I'm sleeping over at his place or in the middle of dinner.

4) I have not met his ex yet.

The relationship between her and his family - there is nothing you can do about that.

5) he's scared of introducing us 'cause he thinks I'll be mean to her (c'mon! I'm 28 years old!).

This tells me that his opinion of you is not a good one.

6) When I tell him that I'm uncomfortable with the situation, that he should set some boundaries for her not to cross, he looks at me like I'm strange and not understanding.

That's because he's ok with the situation as it is. Maybe he likes the attention. Or likes that she is emotionally attached to him and dependent on him. This tells me that his ex's feelings are more important to him then yours are. She's too dependent upon him emotionally (calling everyday, meeting weekly or every other week) that means to me that she's too attached. He doesn't see that boundaries are necessary, but they are.

My best to you.


Carrie