am i wrong to be so mad???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
am i wrong to be so mad???
13
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 12:18pm
last night dh and i were out at a bar...my db and his gf were there, all was good, we had a great time...just before we left, gf and i were talking across the bar from dh and she yelled over to him, you better show up tomorrow to watch the game(this was an invite to us to meet back at the bar for the football game the next night) he yells back and i know he was kidding "do i have to bring my wife"....i threw him the bird...it hurt me and a little embarrassing....i know he was kidding and i am sure everyone else in the bar was too...but componded w/the alcohol, i was fuming....i did not say a word all the way home and neither did he but when we pulled into the driveway(cuz i didn't want to cause a fight while driving) i said to him that he was doing real well til he said "do i have to bring my wife" .he was like f this, you are letting the alcohol blow it up..i said, no, think about those words and how it sounded..!! well, i yelled a little he was like, where are you sleeping ...i know what he was getting at...i said in my own bed!!! we have a camper outside...he went out but came right back in, don't know why....i went right to bed, was sick...literally, but not a word about it since...i am mad....he had a problem saying those two words "i'm sorry" this recently happened when i was mad about something he said and i said to him alls you have to do is say your are sorry and things are good...he would not...says that i was making a big thing of nothing...what do you thinK//

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 3:21pm

Welcome to the board cedar04,


I think you need a new approach.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 5:43pm

It was not nothing because it hurt you. Your feelings need to be respcted and he has to learn not only how to say I'm sorry, but to develop sensitivity to the way you feel. If all he needed to do was say I'm sorry and he refused to, then it seems as though he wanted to keep the anger and fight going. His refusal to take responsibility for his behavior is childish and can also be hurtful. This is an area that needs work in your marriage. Tell him that you will not accept this kind of behavior from him. .that he needs to learn how to consider your feelings if he wants the relationship to work. Take a stand. Step up to the plate. Create boundaries and standards and you will be able to let go of the anger and develop more self respect.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 7:33pm
There are ways and times
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 7:33pm
not gonna happen...he said i needed to say something and i did say i should not have yelled....and that i know he was kidding but i said he should apologize too and there was just silence so after 23 years think this will ever change??>? i think not. :*(
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 8:36pm
yes, it does leave me holding the bag...so do i fight and be miserable or move on...this does not happen often but when it does i would like an apology....at times, went it happened, he would be exceptionally snuggley in bed and that is like his apology i guess w/o saying it...but this time i guess because i was so verbal...i should not have said the things i did...i was literally screaming at him f'd him up and down and he didn't say a word just kept walking to the house. it had nothing to do w/egos or boosts or feeding off someone else's down...it didn't . he was joking around w/my db's gf and responded w/that when she reminded him to meet there the next day...because they were just joking around a few minutes before w/his arm around her and stuff. arrrrr
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Sun, 10-12-2008 - 2:00am

I'm sorry but he gave her an ego boost at your expense - that is only my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sun, 10-12-2008 - 8:21am
so because he didn't apologize, 23 years later, 2 kids, a home, debt, and everything else that comes w/a marriage ... Leave him?? sounds like throwing myself under a bus. i know her, he did not give her an ego boost, she kinda rolled her eyes and responded that "we better just be there" and he was kidding but i didn't like it...he doesn't say or do things to give him self ego boosts nor just to shoot me down. he was drinking, was joking around and said it. jokingly. it bothered me. he apoligized last night. good thing i didn't go for those divorce papers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Sun, 10-12-2008 - 3:45pm

Oh - I didnt realize you were married for 23 years - sorry.


However, if he does this repeatedly, and you get so mad, and denies you your right to feel hurt..at this stage in your marriage I guess only counseling would help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Mon, 10-13-2008 - 10:15am

Based on your assessment of the situation, I think you over-reacted. The alcohol likely played a part in it, for both of you. It doesn't sound like your H meant to hurt you, and your tyraid of F bombs was quite out of line. I'd say you are lucky to have a relationship that includes playful banter after 23 years, because you could have an H that would REALLY rather go out without you.

I say you should rethink your position, as it sounds like you may be already doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Mon, 10-13-2008 - 10:39am
you are correct and i see your thoughts....i should not have flipped out like that...i know he was kidding....she knew he was kidding...he really goes practically no where w/o me except work and even then he is calling me to go to lunch w/him. yesterday i had to take my motorcycle test for my license and it was a 5 hour class he was home and apparently my db and his gf/same couple as the other night...called and asked him to come out...they thought i was home...he told them that i wasn't home from class yet and he thought i may not like it if he went w/o me...so they were like, it's only us...so he went, he called me at exactly 6:30 when i was suppose to be done but i got out at 6:35 and i called him back...he didn't ask if i passed, guess he wanted to wait to see me but indicated that he was at the bar and was waiting for me there w/my db and gf..i said, oh, i find it strange you were there w/o me...and he was like, i know....just come meet me here....i know he felt like i'd be mad...even when i got there he stood up and gave me a kiss and knew i passed by the look on my face..but was also looking to see if i was mad at him..i didn't get mad...he just went out w/them and was waiting to meet me there..even my db's gf said that he was worried you would get upset if he came out w/o you...and i was like, it's just that we basically go no where w/o eachother. so in a nut shell, i over reacted. he really is a great husband. works like a dog and when we go out, we have a great time together, he bought me a motorcycle as soon as i showed an interest, he went on his research....he is great and sometimes it takes blow ups like this for me to realize. he meant no harm. so after 23 years of marriage and dated for 10 years off and on prior to that and we still look forward to happy hour together, we still go on little weekend rondavoos (my spelling is way off) together, and more....i guess that's pretty good.

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