AM I WRONG OR HIM?
Find a Conversation
AM I WRONG OR HIM?
| Sun, 09-12-2004 - 2:16am |
Well I am 19 years old. I've been with my boyfriend since I was 16. I am now currently living with him and his father. In the past, my now boyfriend had a tendency to mess around with females whenever we broke up. And seeing that he is very insecure, he had a tendency to always think that I was always messing around on him too. And since I would tell him that I never cheated, he would always think I was lying. And then last year during summer, he actually cheated on me with a very young girl. I didn't find out until the night after our 2 year anniversary that he had done so. I came to forgive him, since he was upset that I had tried to get into another relationship after me and him had broken up at one point before that. So we had both agreed to just start off fresh and new. And that I would move in with him and his father and try to make a life together. Well in 6 days its going to be our 3 year anniversary. And about 1 1/2 months ago, he just got served papers for child support. And they were from the girl that he had cheated on me with. And we just found out on Sept. 7 that it was his. I was fine with it at first, but now that he has been going over there to see the baby I have been getting really upset. And he doesnt understand why because he knows me to be really strong and he did give me the option to leave him when he told me. I already told him that it's because I am jealous that a girl that he doesnt even know has his baby before I do. Although I am almost 5 months pregnant myself. But he already has a son, but I love his son, I have since the first time I saw him. And me and the mom get along great. Why is it that I dislike this baby he has with this 2nd girl? And I know I really hate him going over there because I don't trust him, because he cheated on me with her once...why not again? And I do think she would mess around with him too because he is really young and she doesnt really know me. And with his first child's mother, I know she has no interest, and me and her actually are friends that hang out. Can someone tell me why I am having all of these mixed feelings about this baby? And how can I try to stop feeling this way, because I know regardless that he has to be there for the baby. But I can't help being angry and hateful towards him. I really could use this help because I cry every day because of this now. And I don't want this to ruin our relationship that we have going because it has been going so well.

Pianoguy is completely astounded by your post! Why in the world would you want to spend any time or live in the same house with a man who can easily mess around with somebody else? Personally...I'd have 'the stud' horsewhipped...and then castrated!
You are 5 months pregnant with this man's child. He's already proven how irresponsible he is...to women, as well as to the children he helped to make! Despite the fact you're co-habitating with this idiot (and his Father), you will always be ONE OF THE HAREM! If you're expecting fidelity after YOUR child is born...FORGET IT!
Don't you have family, friends or someplace else to live? Or are you convinced that the lifestyle you have at the moment is THE BEST you'll ever get? Pianoguy hopes you've got a higher standard or two somewhere????
Would suggest you obtain some legal advice from a professional. Crying everyday about this crazy relationship WON'T HELP YOU AT ALL!
Pianoguy
Ok, I'll try to break it down a bit. As for the cheating - it has NOTHING to do with whether or not a woman is willing, it has to do with whether or not HE is willing, and it sounds like he is. Why would you want to be with someone who thinks it's ok to cheat whenever he wants? Was he ever really "SORRY" or was he just sorry he got caught? Was his sorrow because he hurt YOU? Or was his sorrow because he hurt HIMSELF by losing you? (which he didn't anyway, so, in essence, you've told him it's ok to cheat).
As for the jealousy problem - he thinks you're a liar, a cheater, so basically he does not have respect for you. If he did, he'd think "gee, my girlfriend is a wonderful, honest, upstanding person and I'm lucky to have her". Instead he's thinking "all women are sluts who cheat and then lie and she's no different so I'd better keep her in line". Why do you want that for yourself? This type of behavior EASILY turns into control and abuse. You've already changed your life for him by moving in with him in order to make him see how much you love him and so he can keep a closer eye on you. You shouldn't have to prove your love.
I've been where you are, at 19 in fact and often look back and wonder what my life would've been like had I made some better choices. I also wonder at the fact that NO ONE ever warned me about this guy or tried to snap some sense into me. I dont' expect that it was anyone else's responsibility to remove me from my mess, but rather I wonder what anyone could've even said to me to show me the error of my ways. It took having my child at 21 to realize what really mattered to me. Think about this: When you have your child, do you want him/her to grow up with a father who cheats on mom, will probably leave her anyway, treats her with disrespect, teaches your child to disrespect women by sleeping and impregnating LOTS of them, or, GOD FORBID if you have a girl, teach her to be disrespected herself? Think about your child if you can't think about yourself. There are people who love you - family? friends? do you have any friends left or does he get jealous and suspicious if you go anywhere without him?
Please please please think long and hard about the advice you get here on this board. Don't get defensive and dismiss it all. Don't think you are "stuck". You always have choices to make and options available. They might not always be the easiest path to take, but you also don't want to get stuck in a cycle where you are with guy after guy, trying everything in your power to just make him love you, trust you and stay with you, without regard for your personal welfare or that of your child.
Consider counseling. Look in the yellow pages or the blue pages (state agencies) for options and information on free or low cost counseling if you are unable to afford it or if you don't have benefits through your job. You have nothing to lose by seeing a professional to help you better understand your situation and make clear-minded choices.
Sorry this is so long. This is something I feel quite strongly about, having been there myself, right down to the unwed pregnancy at a young age.
Best of luck to you,
Terri
Sad that he didn't deal with his insecurities and/or that you never realized that him accusing you of cheating and lying was a way of deflecting the truth of his actions and behavior away from himself. Meaning he was accusing you of what he was doing.
If you have medical insurance, I would suggest you go talk to a counselor because you have to deal with the grief you are feeling, the anger, the insecurities you are feeling. Your health, that includes your emotional well-being and mental health too, have to be your #1 priority.
Also consider journal writing to vent and even writing him some UNSENT letters telling him how you feel about everything.
Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie