Ambivilent boyfriend, what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Ambivilent boyfriend, what to do?
3
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 10:30pm
I am 26 years old and dating a 23 year old since last August. I also have a 9 year old son who has grown very attached. Our realtionhip was very serious and close to engagement. I love him dearly, but many of his behaviors in which I thought were just imaturity I am finding out are long term patterns. I have heard he was the same way with his ex he dated for 2 years.We love each other, but our relationship is very rocky. Things go well for a week or two then we breakup. He mostly starts arguments or gets very jealous for no reason. Commitments and promises are made by him then taken back then made again. I have put up with this ambivilence hoping it would change, and trying to change him for the better. I know I am being foolish. We break up all the time then get back together right away because we can't seem to stay away from each other. The problem is I know it's probably best (as hard as it is) to just let go. I can't let go when he constantly calls or stops by even after we break up. Today, out of the blue, he decided this relationship isn't going anyware. (This, after I took the pressure of marriage off completely.)So he left, I returned all of his things. (He previously moved out of my house completely 2 weeks ago.) I want to move on, but how can I when I know he'll change his mind by tomorrow and beg for me back? I keep hoping one of these times he will make up his mind to be with me permanatly. Of course I am focusing on the bad right now. There are many good things which make me want to stay. Please help me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:11am
'I want to move on, but how can I when I know he'll change his mind by tomorrow and beg for me back?'

You are not obligated to date him because he says he wants you back. Since he is immature you have to be the mature one and make the mature decision. Do what is right for your son. What are you teaching him about love and jealousy and commitment and respect?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:35am
This is just food for thought, but since there don't seem to be any other women involved, it may be that your boyfriend just can't tolerate the normal wanes and peaks of a normal relationship. What I mean is, if he's not feeling super in love and fears losing you, he may question if he loves you at all, or if he's capable of giving you what you deserve. My guess would be that he had an insecure/ambivalent attachment with his parents and now he may feel that intimate relationships must follow that pattern. You might want to instruct him about what the normal expectations in a healthy relationship are. For example, people may start out wildly passionate about each other, but after awhile it turns into a more companionable love, with peak moments happening intermittently. Abraham Maslow said that peak experiences cannot last. Your bf may think that life is one adrenaline rush after another. He may need time and practice to discover that peaceful can be nice, too. However, if the relationship isn't working for you, you have every right to give-up on it. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:22am
Thank you. I think you are right. I have been spending time trying to instruct him, even though he's a smart guy I think he NEEDS the drama. Peaks as you call it. It's sad to me to know that he can't maintain a relationship without giving that up. I'd just hoped it was for me.