Angel...or evil???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Angel...or evil???
8
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 10:27pm
Ok. So I've been with this guy for more then a year now. And I love him, and I mean love. I would bend over backwards for this man. And I wouldn't think twice before spending the rest of my life with him. At least not until now.

We've had two...incidents. The first time maybe about 6 months into our relationship, all seemed well, when he had some kind of a breakdown. He broke up with me, claiming that he needed time. Which I thought was ok, however I couldn't help but stick around. It broke my heart to not be near him. Sticking aorund led me to find out that his so-called time, was spent trying to get with several others girls. Now when I found this out I was a basket case, this wasn't the kind of time we had talked about. We stayed apart about a month. Then finally he called me in tears, asking me to come back to him. He tells me he never actually did anything with anyone else while I was gone. And I believe him.

I took him back with the understnading, and hope that nothing like this would ever happen again. Despite everyone telling me to leave, and that he wasn't worth it.


Now....few months pass, and all seems well. My sweety seemed more dedicated to me then ever. But, the next thing I know we had an exceptional fight. And he says the same thing. I need time. Well I found out...that he had cheated on me with another girl right before he tells me he needs time. Nothing major. His friends (whom are my good friends to) tell me they kissed, and did some other stuff it hurts me to mention, then he quit before it got to far. Again...I was devastated. Everyone told me to just get over him. He's not worth it they would say.

So I tried, with no luck. And only a week later he calls me crying his eyes out. He promises he would never hurt me again. And he promises he had no idea why he cheated on me. He claims it was becuase all his so called friends say he's whipped, and they were egging him on. Now He's even willing to give up all his friends for me. I took him back, becuase I feel like Im not ready to be without him yet, regardless of the way he's made me feel.

This is my question anyway...is he just afraid of commitment and needed to learn his lesson the hard way. He felt real bad...will that keep him from doing it again? Or is this a lost cause? Why does it still feel so right to be with him, when everybody else says its wrong?

Do guys do this an change? Or is it once a cheater always a cheater....?



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
In reply to: ryojin
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 11:15pm
Dear royjin......once a cheat, always a cheat. Thats the way it is. I am in the same situation, almost, and it s painful. We dont see it because we are so blindly in love, or just plain deny it.I am seeing it now, and i say to myself , what the heck took so long for me to notice it. BUT, I am still with my partner, and I guess its called denial... It hurts, because i think i put more into the committment than he does.

My partner has a roaming eye, and i believe has cheated on me. I dont know this for sure, but, I have real good proof, absent of seeing this myself. Once the "urge" is completed and he has done that "dirty deed", he will most likely do it again, and again.....You either put up with it, deny it or dump him...its your choice, and its not going to be an easy one dear...Good luck to you...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: ryojin
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 10:10am

If it happens once, shame on him...happens twice, shame on you......


Do I think its possible for people to change?,Yes. Do I think that your BF will change?NO. Everyone is enetitles to feel guilt or remorse after they betray you the way he did, but that still doesnt mean that

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: ryojin
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 10:18am
'is he just afraid of commitment and needed to learn his lesson the hard way.'

Did he learn a lesson or just learn that he could do what he wants and you will always forgive him?

Cheat on me once, shame on you. Cheat on me twice, shame on me.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ryojin
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 10:35am

It feels right to you to be with him because you care about him, love him. We can still love someone who has a problem. He obviously has many other qualties which are wonderful and meaningful to you. The issue here however is this - it's not that he's a "cheater" or once a cheater always a cheater. That's silly. The issue is that he has some kind of problem that he's not aware of, that erupts and causes him to act this way. Because he is really unaware of what is causing this behavior, it could happen again. This is not because he is bad, but because there are issues which he has not resolved, feelings, thoughts, questions which need to be brought up, worked out and understood. This will not happen by itself, or by talking to friends. He needs to see a professional, well trained therapist, or counsellor to understand what has been driving him, what's going and to work through whatever unconscious conflict he is feeling. Let him know that. Unless he does it, it is certainly possible that this will happen again. Patterns repeat themselves automatically, unless the cause of the pattern is understood and worked through.


If he goes for help in working on this, you can feel better about it. if he doesn't, no one knows what will happen.


Best wishes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: ryojin
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 12:18pm

its possible that there are people who do cheat and then change. but that can ONLY happen (as with any change) if the person TAKES RESPONSIBILITY for their actions, if the person UNDERSTANDS what they did wrong, and TAKES STEPS to make sure it won't happen again.


and what do you have here? your guy doesn't take responsibility - he blames his friends. he doens't really "get it" - all he wants is for you to come back. just because he "says" that he's sorry - doesn't mean he is really sorry.


this doesn't sound good sweetie...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: ryojin
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 3:02pm
Most couples can't rebuild a relationship after cheating, betrayal and lies without professional help - if he wants you back, insist on counseling to find out what went wrong. He can blame his friends for cheating, but his friends didn't lock him in a room with another girl, undress him, etc. make him do what he did.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
In reply to: ryojin
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 5:16pm
Well he is very young. I forgot to mention, we both are. And I, and he have both had the same realization that neither of us was ready for the huge relationship that we were getting into. I am only 18. And he's 18 as well. But we've known each other for some time. Getting together was the most right thing we ever did. At least it felt that way.

I know he loves me, at least I think he does. Becuase I know him, and I've studied a couple of his relationships with other girls before me. My friends.

He's never been so committed to anyone he's dated until me, however...he has these little breakdowns.

He tells me that he's sorry, and in his eyes I see so much pain. It makes me feel like he might just be feeling the same pain that he was causing me. And becuase I love him, I want to believe that he's telling the truth. The situation is fairly messed up. But the feelings are still so strong. And I believe him when he says his are to.

I have a feeling like he could change, simply becuase his personality doesn't permit this kind of behaviour. But then again...what if I dont know him as well as I think I do.

He's a strong one...full of pride. With a few minor anger management problems. But in the past year he's done more for me then he's done for anyone. He fights with his family (who dont like me) to be with me, he even moved out of his home. He bends over backwards to make me happy, and he's cried...to the brink of insanity, at my feet.

I think this man might drive me insane. Do you really think proffesional help might work? Maybe its partially my fault. Maybe I push him to far. Maybe he's scared to be with one person for the rest of his life. Becuase thats always where we saw it ending up. We've talked about kids, future careers, homes, marriage....

I am a very emotional person. Is there a chance this could be partly my fault?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: ryojin
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 5:59pm
Stop thinking it's you. Yes, two people in a relationship share the responsibility of making a relationship work, HOWEVER everyone is also responsible for their own decisions. Being in a compromising situation, nearly kissing someone, undressing someone, getting in bed with them, foreplay - at anyone of those moments someone can stop themselves, decide it's not for them, think of their life, their own motives, their own choices, etc. and there are lots of reading matrial on what makes guys stray - depression, feeling like a failure because of their job, etc. however how they choose to handle their emotions and situations tell a lot about their character and integrity. And I will agree that both of you are young, at 18 - most teens don't know what they want long term, but they *think* they know (been there, done that) and thinking they are missing something, may play into it too.

However, YOU are NOT responsible for his choices, actions, words, behavior (cheating) HE IS. He can blame it on peer pressure, the girl, you, his life, but basically he did what he wanted to do, he was with someone else because in that moment that's what he wanted. It's not your fault.

Professional help couldn't hurt. My best to you.


Carrie