Angry Boyfriend
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| Wed, 04-04-2007 - 4:12pm |
I love my boyfriend. He's sweet, and has a very good heart, but sometimes I feel like he says very mean things. I don't think he is doing it because he wants to hurt me, I think he does it because he feels blamed.
Last night we had an argument, that although ended in good terms, started to make me realize how much at fault he has made me feel about other incidents.
I was opening a package I had purchased over the internet and he made the joke, "Yeah, open it with your manly physique." I didn't want to hear this because I was PMSing. Usually I would laugh, but instead I snapped back to him.
"Well then, why don't you go find a girl who doesn't have a manly physique."
"Fine. I will. Bye." Is what he snapped back. We live together, so it doesn't make things easy when I get angry. I just left the room. I tried to go study in our bedroom, but I was so angry. So, in an effort to not blow up on him, I went on a run around our neighborhood.
The idea that he would threaten to leave me, that he could so easily imply--Fine, I don't want to be with you--is what really upset you. Why am I with someone who is so ready to drop me?
I know that's not the case. We have a romantic relasionship, and I know that we both greatly care about each other. I know that he is in love with me, and I know I am with him too.
When he came into the bedroom, he tried to pretend that everything was okay. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him, "It made me really upset when you said that." I explained to him how I furiously ran around the block. He immediately became incredibly defensive, asking me why I didn't confront the problem immediately at the scene of the crime.
Then, he started to yell at me, and made me feel like he was turning the whole situation around. I tried to tell him I was on my period and very sensitive. He kept being upset, telling me that I am always "so crazy" when I am on my period, and he might as well not say anything at all to me ever. I told him it was fine, that i just needed to tell him that what he said upset me. He continued to get upset, even threatening to leave the house because I was being "so crazy".
It occured to me then that I wasn't acting crazy at all. That in fact, I was just sitting there, listening to him, and at any time that I tried to defend myself, that was considered "crazy".
I explained to him that the reasons I left was because I didn't want to blow up on him, that I wanted to collect my thoughts so that I could deliver them rationally. He prefered it if I brought up an issue immediately.
After just sitting there peacefully until he stopped on his anger rant, things calmed down, and I was happy that I was able to calm him down. It took so much energy though, and he seemed unsatisfied with a peaceful ending (our first one) to one of our arguments.
This morning I feel ICK about the whole thing. I feel like he can yell at me whenever he wants. I feel like I am the only one trying to calm the anger down that he has. I'm tired of taking the blame on things, and sick of him not understanding that he shouldn't say he would go find some girl without a manly physique (which I DONT have by the way). I am tired of pacifying situations where in the end my boyfriend doesn't even apologize to me, or acknowledge that my feelings have been hurt.
Our arguments are solely based around the hope that he isn't blamed for anything, and I don't know how to bring this up without starting a fight.

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Ok, regarding him threatening to leave to find someone else, YOU were the one who told HIM to go find someone else. He merely agreed. Instead of saying "well, then why don't you go find someone else!" the mature thing would have been to say "when you say things like that, I feel hurt and I feel that you don't find me attractive". Instead, you attacked and held it against him when he said "fine, I'll do that".
Beyond that, your relationship does NOT sound healthy. YOU should not have to work at calming another person down. His anger is his problem. You also aren't there to be his punching bag for him to call "crazy" and for him to yell at.
Why do you allow him to yell at you and call you names? What are your boundaries?
>>and sick of him not understanding that he shouldn't say he would go find some girl without a manly physique <<
Sweetie, you TOLD him to find a girl with a manly physique. He merely agreed with you. After such a bitchy comment, do you honestly expect him to say "oh, but I only want you"?
This arguement was in no way started by him. It would appear that you are blaming him for saying terrible things when, in fact, you are the one who suggested he leave in the first place.
I see now how what I said was immature. I should have said that it hurt my feelings, I just need to learn how to control by spurts.
As for a healthy relasionship, I think that to say that he uses me as a "punching bag" is to go a little far. Although it might seem strange that I need to calm him down, I don't think that it is fair to not be with someone because they have anger issues. I've been with my boyfriend for one year, and we have really truly gotten to know each and care for each other.
I don't think that it's fair to leave someone because they have anger issues when you love them. I'm not going to turn my back on someone I love unless I truly know I can't continue to happy with them, and the truth is that there are many times when I am happy with him. I think that being positive in a relasionship and teaching him how to direct his anger into appropriate outlets is a lot more compassionate than leaving him, high and dry, in the dark with his anger problems.
He's willing to work for our relasionship too.
It's not like I come home and he calls me "bitch" and "whore" and "your ugly" and "you are fat". its completely the other side. He's always telling me that he thinks I am attractive, nice, and intelligent. He's not mean, I just feel like he says mean things once in a while, jokes that i often take too sensitively, and as you had pointed out in your post, I was immature to not tell him that it hurt my feelings and to get back at him. Usually, I would laugh when he said that, but I just wasn't in the mood to laugh about it.
Thanks for your reply, it helps put perspective on things.
amy
Welcome to the board betty25cookie,
While I agree with the advice you've been given, I wanted to write about something that was not brought up.
:: was opening a package I had purchased over the internet and he made the joke, "Yeah, open it with your manly physique."
Does he always joke in a sarcastic, putdown way?
If you feel the need to save him and teach him, then that's your business. (Personally, I'd expect him to take responsibility for his behaviour and seek therapy...but each to his own) However, I warn you to not have children with him. While YOU may feel comfortable being on the receiving end of his rages, it's not fair to raise children in an environment where one parent cannot control their temper.
It reminds me of a dreadful incident I saw the other day. Two guys doing road rage...yelling at each other in a car park. And the worst of it was one of the men had his young daughter in the car witnessing his every move. He was so caught up in his anger that he had forgotten how to be a role model. This is the risk you take if you have children with an angry man/woman.
'I think that being positive in a relasionship and teaching him how to direct his anger into appropriate outlets is a lot more compassionate than leaving him'
And is that working? Is he changing? Is he learning from you?
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I guess this is where we differ. "Anger issues" crosses my boundaries. I wouldn't get involved with someone with anger issues any more than I'd get involved with someone with "addiction issues".
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Again, we differ in our opinions. To teach someone how to direct his anger is indeed compassionate, I believe it is the job of a therapist, not a girlfriend. But if you are happy taking on this role, then you are entitled to that. I personally don't see acting as his therapist as a healthy role (it puts the onus of his anger outbursts on YOU and your ability to calm him, rather than on him). If you are not a trained professional, then you are not qualified to truly help him. And if you ARE a trained professional, it's unethical for you to be involved with him.
Is he willing to discuss his anger issues with a therapist?
Iv Ashia makes a good point.
It's interesting that you talk about road rage because this is one of things he is really bad about. I just sit there and watch him do it. He knows it upsets me, but tells me he does it cause it helps him "vent out some emotions".
I guess your right. He isn't someone I want to have children with. It's unfair to put a child into a situation like that. And as for dealing with someone who has "anger problems", I can that it is almost as useless as dealing with someone with "addiction problems". My mother had a lot of drinking problems growing up, and I always thought that I could fix it, but I know now these days that I can't. I guess that's something that I have to come to terms with in my relasionship as well.
I can't control another person's anger issues, as much as I want to and need to. There is no possible way to have intimacy in a relasionship where someone has anger issues. This is a lot to take in, and as a response from your question, no, i don't think he is learning from me.
I just feel hurt, and its not fair to put myself in that situation.
My only question is how to I bring it up to him that I think he has anger issues?
'its not fair to put myself in that situation'
Then don't. You can't change him if he sees that his anger is justified. How long are you willing to put up with it?
::My only question is how to I bring it up to him that I think he has anger issues?
This is going to sound like an odd suggestion, but go to your local library and look for this book:
How to Really Love Your Teenager, Ross Campbell
In the book, look specifically for the Anger Ladder diagram.
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