Angry Boyfriend
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| Wed, 04-04-2007 - 4:12pm |
I love my boyfriend. He's sweet, and has a very good heart, but sometimes I feel like he says very mean things. I don't think he is doing it because he wants to hurt me, I think he does it because he feels blamed.
Last night we had an argument, that although ended in good terms, started to make me realize how much at fault he has made me feel about other incidents.
I was opening a package I had purchased over the internet and he made the joke, "Yeah, open it with your manly physique." I didn't want to hear this because I was PMSing. Usually I would laugh, but instead I snapped back to him.
"Well then, why don't you go find a girl who doesn't have a manly physique."
"Fine. I will. Bye." Is what he snapped back. We live together, so it doesn't make things easy when I get angry. I just left the room. I tried to go study in our bedroom, but I was so angry. So, in an effort to not blow up on him, I went on a run around our neighborhood.
The idea that he would threaten to leave me, that he could so easily imply--Fine, I don't want to be with you--is what really upset you. Why am I with someone who is so ready to drop me?
I know that's not the case. We have a romantic relasionship, and I know that we both greatly care about each other. I know that he is in love with me, and I know I am with him too.
When he came into the bedroom, he tried to pretend that everything was okay. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him, "It made me really upset when you said that." I explained to him how I furiously ran around the block. He immediately became incredibly defensive, asking me why I didn't confront the problem immediately at the scene of the crime.
Then, he started to yell at me, and made me feel like he was turning the whole situation around. I tried to tell him I was on my period and very sensitive. He kept being upset, telling me that I am always "so crazy" when I am on my period, and he might as well not say anything at all to me ever. I told him it was fine, that i just needed to tell him that what he said upset me. He continued to get upset, even threatening to leave the house because I was being "so crazy".
It occured to me then that I wasn't acting crazy at all. That in fact, I was just sitting there, listening to him, and at any time that I tried to defend myself, that was considered "crazy".
I explained to him that the reasons I left was because I didn't want to blow up on him, that I wanted to collect my thoughts so that I could deliver them rationally. He prefered it if I brought up an issue immediately.
After just sitting there peacefully until he stopped on his anger rant, things calmed down, and I was happy that I was able to calm him down. It took so much energy though, and he seemed unsatisfied with a peaceful ending (our first one) to one of our arguments.
This morning I feel ICK about the whole thing. I feel like he can yell at me whenever he wants. I feel like I am the only one trying to calm the anger down that he has. I'm tired of taking the blame on things, and sick of him not understanding that he shouldn't say he would go find some girl without a manly physique (which I DONT have by the way). I am tired of pacifying situations where in the end my boyfriend doesn't even apologize to me, or acknowledge that my feelings have been hurt.
Our arguments are solely based around the hope that he isn't blamed for anything, and I don't know how to bring this up without starting a fight.

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>>He knows it upsets me, but tells me he does it cause it helps him "vent out some emotions".<<
I'm not sure if you've thought if it like this, but translated, this means "It's OK to make someone else feel bad if it makes me feel better".
>>My only question is how to I bring it up to him that I think he has anger issues?<<
My answer is drastic because I have a zero tolerance of angry outbursts.
If it were me, I'd break up with him. And when he asks "why?" I'd tell him that I am unable to be with someone who has angry outbursts. And I've give his frequent road rage as an example.
If he told me that he'd change, I'd tell him to go to therapy and call me *only* after the rage is under control. I would not stay with him unless he was 100% rage free. But like I said, I'm zero tolerance.
ANGER LADDER
Negative, mean, proud, rejecting looks, condescending,
judgmental, sarcastic, ungodly comments
Loud irritated tone says, “I’m not on your side.”
“Don’t feel, don’t talk, don’t ask”
Negative rejecting body language or
walking out without a plan to resume talking
Overpowering, threats, separating comments,
general condemnations
Interrupting or monopolizing conversations;
rebutting without listening to what the other has to say
Calling them names, labeling, stereotyping,
bringing up their history and their relatives
Yelling, attacking, cussing, cursing them,
any type of verbal abuse or mental cruelty
Public put downs, uncovering them, humiliation,
gossip, accusation and slander
Physical abuse, threats of abuse,
threatening or abusing their property, abandonment
Passive aggression, any resistant action with intent
to punish or to make sorry without owning the intent
Homicidal attempts, homicidal threats
and homicide
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