Angry & Hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Angry & Hurt
2
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 4:17pm
I will try and make this brief.

My husband and were married almost 6 years ago after dating for 4 years. We were engaged but had to move the wedding up because I became pregnant. We didn't have a wedding due to the time limits with the pregnancy and insurance issues, so we were married by a Justice of the Peace. One week later, I had to go out of town for family matters and he had a one night stand/affair. The details are still questionable as he says one thing and she says another. A child resulted. A little girl. My husband and I went to counseling - once. We just decided to move and "not think about it" and get on with our lives. Big mistake. I was never able to trust him and he didn't help make me feel secure or help build that trust back up.

In short - after a legal battle to get visitation for this little girl, I just couldn't deal with it and Her anymore and 2 years ago I took our daughter and left for a "break." I needed to regroup and view things from a distance. Eventually I came home and we had another child the end of last year - a beautiful little boy.

However, a few months ago he received papers from the state that the other mother had had a little boy last year and was naming my husband again as the father.

He denied is vehemently since he can't stand to look at the other woman - she "digusts" him. Those were his words. The date of conception was put only weeks after I had left for my "break." I believed him....I mean to hear the way he talks about Her - he hates her.

However - the DNA came back positive. Now pushed into a corner - like the last time - he fessed up. She was at a party he was at and it "just happened."

So now he has 2 children with her and 2 with me- both a girl and a boy.

Needless to say - I'm an emotional wreck and I don't know what to do. I told him after the first time - if it ever happened again, it was over. But now - after seeing what taking my daughter away from her father the first time did to her - I don't have it in me to do it again. It devastated her. But what am I suppose to do?

When I left - I didn't think he would be celebate - but.....since he was the one so in love with me I didn't think it would be only weeks after my leaving and plus with the one person who almost destroyed our marriage in the first place.

After all his lying - how do I believe him? He says is the alcohol and he wants help. Okay fine. And He says it was only sex....but why with her? It's like the worst form of betrayal. Is it really just sex? Was it really the alcohol? Do I believe her or him. So far she's the only one whos told the truth - but to what degree? Was it a relationship/affair or just 2 stupid one night stands?

So many questions and so little answers


Please help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 4:32pm
Can I slap him? Sorry.

Try posting on the Betrayed Spouse Support board. They have been through this kind of thing and can offer lots of support.

Personally, if you plan on staying, you hold all the cards so to speak and I would make counseling a condition of staying in the marriage.


Carrie

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 5:44pm
I don't know but I have a hard time believing that they only had sex twice and that she just happened to get pregnant both times. I guess it is possible but probably the chances of that happening are slim. Also alcohol doesn't make people do things that they wouldn't otherwise do. That is a poor excuse in my opinion. You definitley have a hard decision to make. But if you do leave just give him visitation rights so your daughter can see him. If you are fighting all the time than your home is not a stable healthy environment for you children. I know my parents fought all the time and my mom also fought alot with her other boyfriends and it was hard on myself and my brother and sister.

Has the other woman said that they had a relationship...if she did then I would believe her. As you said she seemed to be the one telling the truth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 11:53pm
This is an absolute mess. I feel for all of the children involved.

'he can't stand to look at the other woman - she "digusts" him.'

Hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is.

So he had sex with her twice and had two kids. Hmmmmm...why don't I believe that?

This man has been cheating on you and has been very irresponsible on so many levels not the least of which is birth control. Have you been tested for STDs?

He now needs to grow up and take responsibility for all of his children, supporting them financially and helping to raise them. In the meantime if you want to continue a relationship with him then I suggest marriage counseling.