another woman baked husband's bday cake. need some insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2013
another woman baked husband's bday cake. need some insight.
25
Tue, 11-12-2013 - 12:27pm

My husband's birthday was last week. I used to bake all the cakes for the family but the last few years have started buying instead. Our family bought him a small cake and gifts as usual. But when he came home he had a home made cheesecake (which is his favorite) that another woman had made him. I do not know her, she is the wife of one of his friends. I do not care that she baked for him necessarily, it was a nice gesture, but I do feel that she or the husband should have let me know that they were planning this. Our small store bought cake was quite overshadowed by her big, chocolate covered concoction and I felt a bit jealous and also bad that we had not done more for him as far as the cake went even though I knew we had gotten him what we could afford. I did tell him that I felt bad that I had not baked him something. He said a cake is a cake.. but I feel even if I did not bake it I would have liked to be involved. Also by her not telling me I feel she did not consider what our family may have already planned.

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Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

">>>Our small store bought cake was quite overshadowed by her big, chocolate covered concoction and I felt a bit jealous and also bad that we had not done more for him>>>"   Now you've learned your lesson. There is no reason to skimp on your husband's birthday, except laziness or cheapness.  This woman probably is a cook and baker, and enjoys showing off her talent.  She was NOT out of line.  A gift is a gift.  If it makes yours look small and cheap by comparison, that is your fault.  If you had put your heart into YOUR cake, even if it was smaller or less elaborate, your husband would have known you did your best, and you would not have been ashamed. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2013

Just as a side note the woman does not bake for a living. We as a family had planned his birthday for weeks and pulled our money to do something special for him that was probably going to be a once in a lifetime thing. I gave him two options. He could take her cake to work and share it with his coworkers or we would wrap her cake and freeze it so that our cake could be used for the birthday. He said she would be offended if she found out her cake was not used for his birthday cake so he didn't want to take it to work. I just didn't want to feel obligated to use her cake instead of ours because she was going to be offended.    

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Considering that it was his birthday, he should get to decide what kind of cake he should eat and if someone made his favorite cake, why wouldn't he choose that over a store bought cake?  Since you said that you did something special for him, I don't get why you even care about the cake.  I'm sure his friend's wife just thought she was doing something nice and I don't think she should have called you to ask permission or let you know first--if someone gave him a present other than a cake, I don't think they would call the family to announce it ahead of time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2013

I think I was just feeling caught off guard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2013

Guess I just took it personally. We also got him a cheesecake because we know it is his favorite. I was just hoping he would want to eat the one from his family so I felt disappointed that he chose hers.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

I for one find this an extremely odd gesture. I could see if one of your friends knew you didn't have the time to bake or money to buy saying, "I would love to bake a cake for your family to enjoy on your husband's birthday!"  That would be the gesture of a thoughtful friend. For someone you don't even know to make an elaborate dessert for your husband - that is just plain strange.  Don't know whether she is trying to show off, or show you up, or being condescending, or whether your H is having an inappropriate relationship, but I would be thinking one or all of those things in your shoes.

Incidentally I don't bake or cook for my husbands birthday. He is the SAH parent and cook, And I havent baked a dessert or cooked a dinner in 20 years. On his birthday he selects a very nice restaurant and we go out. It's no different from what many husbands do for their wives on their birthdays. Don't let other people guilt you into celebrating YOUR family's events differently from what YOU choose.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

This person has edited her original post, which said the two husbands were friends, but she did not care for the wife.  She also said the woman brought the cake to the workplace of the two husbands.  It is entirely possible the woman intended the cake to be eaten at the office, and the husband chose to bring it home.  Also, I and both my girls, are quite good cooks.  We have all been asked by our husbands/bfs, at one time or another,  to make something for someone's birthday or holiday.  I don't know if they wanted to show us off, suck up, or just have something good to surprise everone with, but we have all gone along.

And Kelly. I didn't guilt the OP.  She did it to herself.  She made a big deal about nothing, especially by going to the length of insisting the  cake NOT be eaten at the birthday.  If one of my DH's buddies wives gave him a friggin gourmet dessert for his birthday, it would not bother me in the LEAST.  I would be the second in line to hack off a piece!!  And I truly believe such a sceniero would not bother YOU, either.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

Saber's post makes a huge difference. It was an office gift.  In many offices this happens so it is not a big deal at all.

dragowoman

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

Sabr, that additional info makes a big difference, because the scenario I read seemed so odd that I found it unbelievable that both you and Musiclover found nothing wrong with it.  You're two people I usually agree with. If she is the wife of the OP's colleague and happens to have mad baking skills and brought a cake into the office, then clearly it was meant for the office, and I agree - why get bent out of shape about it?  Back when I went to work with lots of people, we'd occasionally have a great baker who'd bake cakes for other people's birthdays.  Not a big deal, since we celebrated everyone's birthday with cake.

The "don't let other people guilt you" comment was about the woman baking the cake for someone else's family celebration, not about you.  The way it was described when I read it was sort of the equivalent of, say, one of my DH's tennis buddies' wives showing up at my house with his favorite cake because she knew I wouldn't bake one.  Or one of your DH's friends showing up at your house with a chainsaw saying, "Hey, Sabr, I know your husband won't take down that tree, let ME show him how it's done!"  Both of those scenarios are strange and intrusive.  Baking a cake for an office birthday is not.

(PS - my DH is an awesome cook, so I get him to cook & bake for my gatherings, even if he's not going to them.  He doesn't mind, and I like showing him off. :))

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2013

I would have preferred if she had taken it during business hours. Because like you all have said, it would have been something completely different. Hers could have been the "office cake" and ours could have been the "family cake". That's why I wanted him to take it with him the next day to work. I don't understand why she would be offended. All he would have to say is that his family had already gotten him a cake and that this was extra so he brought it to work.  The only reason she might even find out is because there is another fellow who is a mutual friend of the men who does work at my husband's workplace. But like I said it shouldn't matter if his coworkers eat it.

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