another woman baked husband's bday cake. need some insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2013
another woman baked husband's bday cake. need some insight.
25
Tue, 11-12-2013 - 12:27pm

My husband's birthday was last week. I used to bake all the cakes for the family but the last few years have started buying instead. Our family bought him a small cake and gifts as usual. But when he came home he had a home made cheesecake (which is his favorite) that another woman had made him. I do not know her, she is the wife of one of his friends. I do not care that she baked for him necessarily, it was a nice gesture, but I do feel that she or the husband should have let me know that they were planning this. Our small store bought cake was quite overshadowed by her big, chocolate covered concoction and I felt a bit jealous and also bad that we had not done more for him as far as the cake went even though I knew we had gotten him what we could afford. I did tell him that I felt bad that I had not baked him something. He said a cake is a cake.. but I feel even if I did not bake it I would have liked to be involved. Also by her not telling me I feel she did not consider what our family may have already planned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006

Why don't you guys eat both cakes at your home with family and friends and call it a day.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

OK, so that IS weird.  And yes, if that was the case, then I definitely think she should have asked first if it was all right.  A cake to take home for your birthday not an ordinary gift, it's inserting yourself into someone else's family celebration without considering others' feelings. 

However, I like that expression "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity."  I'd try to take the charitable view that she was trying to be kind but ended up being kind of inept. 

On the part about "she has no interest in getting to know me" - it's probably not you, it's her.  I've had wives of DH's friends who wanted to get to know me, or their Hs wanted us to be friends, and I'm not interested because they're people I wouldn't choose as friends.  It's nothing personal, I just have a full life.

Overall, the situation sounds rather awkward but perhaps not cause for alarm.  If your H expressed appropriate embarrassment over the awkwardness of it *to you* (e.g. "I don't know why she thought of doing this, sorry hon, our cake is great but let's just eat a couple slices so I can tell Joe it was great"), then I'd just let it pass.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2013

I did edit my post but it did not say that I do not like her it  said that I do not know her because she is the wife of one of his friends and that she has not had any interest in getting to know me and I have had to get over it. I do admit that upsets me. He does not work with the friend she drove 40 minutes to where my husband works to meet him and her husband AFTER working hours in the parking lot to deliver the cake. It was not for his co workers it was to be eaten at home which is why my husband did not want to take it to the office because she would get offended.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2013

Haha..that's cute. Thanks for your honesty.  I wish I could call it a day but unfortunately according to my husband she has now appointed herself the one to bake him his cakes every birthday. And he says she's a drama queen so he kind of feels like he has to go along with it. So it seems this will be never ending....... Guess I'll have to make him brownies or something from now on. ;-)  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2013

Thanks. Very wise

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2013

;-) To Mahopac: Thank you. I feel you are right. I do not feel it was malicious just intrusive and now hanging over my head year after year. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Hi Myespforu,  So this wife of your DH's friend drove 40 minutes to a parking lot to give your DH a cheesecake?  I find that weird.  Does your H's friend work with your DH?  If not how would she find out he took the cake to the office, or froze it or whatever?  Does your DH know this bothers you?  If so, why is he  more concerned with this woman's feelings than his own wife's?

IMHO your DH should be the one to tell the woman, thank you very much for baking the delicious cake but his wife/family had a cake already planned at home so he took it to the office for all to enjoy.  He can tell her they all appreciated her efforts. If I baked a cake for a friend I wouldn't care who ate it with the birthday person, kwim?  Why does she care who eats it?  If it is enjoyed at the office or if he brings it home what does it matter?  I don't understand why she would be offended if he brought it to work.

Is there something deeper to this with this woman than just a cake?

Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

As usual, I think Ollie here is dead on.  I also find it a bit strange a woman would think to drive all that way and hand deliver something.  Sort of sounds "off" in some weird way.  I don't think it can be just dismissed she's interested in him in a bad way, and it truly IS up to him to thank her kindly but put an end to it somehow.  I've often contributed a dessert or whatever when going to some kind of group gathering, but never with ANY specific expectations - sometimes the hostess WILL put it in the frig, thank me and say it'll be great tomorrow.  A gift is just that, a gift, and once received it's up to the receiver what the heck to do with it.  This scenario just sounds a bit sneaky to me, it likely will to most of us who've had good reason to ever post on this board.  We're a bit suspicious here! 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2013

Hi Myespforu,

I'm not usually one to post comments on here but I'm especially interested in this topic.

It seems to me that this woman SPECIFICALLY wanted your husband and ONLY your husband to receive this cake, and arriving after office hours in a parking lot and driving 40 minutes out of her way is very strange and IT IS concerning. I don't have enough facts here, but I'm absolutely not feeling any weird "vibes" with your husband (I don't think there's anything going on between him and this woman). I'm guessing she has a crush on your husband or she just likes to show off. Something lies within HER, not HIM, IMO. I admit though, I wouldn't feel too comfortable with some other woman giving my fiance a cake either. 

My way of thinking is there's always going to be that one person in life wherever you are who's going to be obnoxious as hell and we just have to hope that the ones around us don't have any "stupid moments" with these people. I wish I could be more helpful but know that I understand what you're going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2013

I am new to any message boards..so here's a bit more background... This friend of my husband's  has only been in the picture about 6 mos. So definately not a long term friendship at this point. They don't work together but have another mutual guy friend who does work at my husband's workplace. A few weeks after they became friends the guy's wife started calling/texting my husband when she could not get a hold of her husband. Which my husband did tell me about because he finds it annoying. She apparently calls her husband almost every hour wanting to know who he's with, where he is etc... very controlling. My son has been with my husband and his friend a few times and has said the same thing. She's always expecting him to check in and in detail. Up until recently I really just found it odd of her but now I am bothered by it. She has gotten my husband caught up in her web and seems to think that it is ok to be contacting him when she wants a report on her husband. I agree that he really needs to put a stop to things. He has said that he ignores her calls/texts most of the time now but avoiding it isn't the same as putting his foot down and letting her know it is going to stop.  He isn't her husband's keeper and doesn't need to be her snitch. It also isn't a way for him to act towards his friend. I wouldn't want one of my friend's husbands always asking me where my friend was when he can't get a hold of her. I am afraid that she may try something more at some point if my husband doesn't set more boundaries. I don't want their marriage issues bleeding into our life. If the cake was a way to repay him for reporting to her, or just a way to keep him happy so he will be more likely to keep answering her calls, or maybe it truly was just a gesture.. I really just don't feel comfortable about it. I have come realize the issue is not the cake..it is a host of underlying things that are happening. The cake was just what made me finally snap to the fact that I feel she needs to keep her distance.  And he needs to be the one who makes her understand that.