The answers are coming to me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
The answers are coming to me
3
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 5:15pm

Hi Everyone

My marriage has been in trouble since last Nov. - I did post about it a month ago got some great advice...thank you. Forgive me if some of this stuff was duplicated from past posts.

I started to read Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue" - Although I'm only on chapter 4, he has made more sense than the counsellor I was seeing.
The counsellor wasn't much help - he let my dh rant and rave and dis-respect me without interjecting. When I approached him on this, he said if I felt "abused" or "bashed" by his words, I needed to speak up to either him or dh.

Anyway, my question is...

Dr. Phil hit on quite a few 'nails'. These two are probably my biggest question marks and I'm looking for your opinions/ expertise.
1. He mentioned how it's a myth to think you can vent all you want - get it all off of your chest - and expect that to be ok with your partner because you are being truthful.

Well...that's exactly what dh has done. He has said some awful things. He has called me names (not horrid names, but not the friendly kind either), He has told me he doesn't respect me, trust me, and is not in love with me. He said we wouldn't be together if it wasn't for my daughter. These are just a few examples. Everyone asks if he said those things out of anger. YES, he did say it out of anger and with anger - but I can see the hatred on his face when he said it. He meant it. It's like he was justified in saying this stuff to me because he was angry. In other words, he wouldn't have said how he really felt on a "good day". He admitted to feeling unhappy for a few years now.

2.Dr. Phil mentions that sometimes how you react to a situation (when you think you're so has dissed you) is even worse than what your so may have done in the first place.

Again, although he hasn't tore the house up, or ransacked my bedroom, he did do a couple of things that weren't very nice. He dropped me from the family car insurance plan behind my back because he was tired of paying my bills. The next day he reinstated me because he realized how low that was. I'm a sahm with a pt job - he knows I can't handle it financially. He also went ahead and purchased tickets to a show for just he and my daughter - left me out of it. Then I was supposed to explain to her why "mommy didn't want to go" - not the truth...daddy didn't want me to go.

Since the insurance incident, dh has been seeing a counsellor (unfortunately the same one) on his own. He knows he has some issues. He has been quieter - and it seems as though he is being coached because he is trying to make some changes.
Dr. Phil validated my feelings when he said that this type of behavior can be detrimental to a marriage because I can't seem to get past what he has done and I don't know if I want to. (We have been down this road before a few years back -about 9 yrs - and we never seemed to have recovered. Correct that, he never seemed to have recovered).

Now, I haven't talked to him much in about 3 weeks -since the insurance thing. I get 'short' with him very easily. He tells me I'm not making things any easier. Am I supposed to?

I can't forget what he has said...can you get past that or will it always be a thorn in your side?

 

Much love to my four little angels

<a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://bd.lilypie.com/cYhem5.png<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 5:23pm

Only you know if you will be able to get passed the things he has said and done to you. For me personally, I think it would be hard. Plus it seems like you have lost your desire to fight for the marriage. If that is true, than it is going to make it that much harder for you to get pasted the things he has done.


Do you think you would benefit from individual counseling with a different counselor?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 5:41pm

Hi divinegal and welcome back.


Here's your previous post for others to catch up on your story:


I'm lost and confused


I will try to answer the questions you asked.


1. He mentioned how it's a myth to think you can vent all you want - get it all off of your chest - and expect that to be ok with your partner because you are being truthful.


In college in a psych class, they talked about this. About how people need to vent and if you can listen to your partner without taking things personally, great. The problem is that most people cannot do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 4:30pm

Thanks for your responses! I really appreciate your time. I would love to find another counsellor - I have to look into it. Unfortunately, he threw other bills my way (he won't pay for the computer access because...well you know) Therefore, financially it will be tough to pay for another counsellor. But I'm going to look into some programs and see if there is something available to me.

BTW, my title should read "The answers are NOT coming to me" LOL You probably figured that out already!

~d~

 

Much love to my four little angels

<a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://bd.lilypie.com/cYhem5.png<