anxious
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| Sat, 07-14-2007 - 9:47am |
Hi
I am 31 yrs old and my bf is 29. We have been together for 10 months and he's great. But sometimes he does the "rubberband thing" or goes into his "cave" and says stuff like "after 3 years people usually loose interest in each other" or "after marriage love dies". He's influenced by his married friends and gets negative sometimes.
We haven't talked about our future yet and when he talks like this i get very anxious that i might spend a couple of years together and then find out that we don't want to same things.
He says he loves me and treats me right. Its just that sometimes he says these negative things and i start getting lots of doubts and i start feeling very anxious and i hate feeling like this.
I'm scared to bring up the subject cos it may be too early for him and i might scare him off
please help.. some advice will do me good :-)

Hi trisshh,
Relax, this is a new relationship. You two have been together for 10 months. If you are really troubled by what your boyfriend says, you should talk with him. He might be just as anxious about the future as you.
What do you say when he goes into his "cave"? Does he act differently when he goes into his "cave"?
I know you don't want to freak him out but you need to talk to him about your relationship. Don't ask him when are we getting married but you have a right to ask him if you are wasting your time. It is not like the two of you are 19 so he should not be totally freaked out.
Did he have a nasty breakup in the past? Did he always act like this or is this a new behavior? If every other part of your relationship is good, I would just relax. I would wait until he goes back into his "cave". The next time he goes in his "cave" you should sit him down and have a talk.
It's not too early to start having discussions about where the relationship is going. You certainly don't need to start talking about getting engaged any time soon, but you have been dating close to a year now and that's when people really start to figure out what they have in store as a couple.
Ask him what he wants in his future. Talk about your goals, where you want to be in 5, 10, 15 years... Do you want children? Do you see yourself married to someone? Having the same career?
His answers (or lack thereof) will tell you a lot about him but you're not going to get anywhere unless you ask him. Don't be afraid to start talking about things that are important to you. If you're going to be together in the future, you've got to have them at some point. But also make sure that you take what he has to say seriously - if he really hates the idea of getting married and you know you want to have a family someday, it's best not to continue. A relationship doesn't work out when two people want vastly different futures, regardless of how much love and affection you have. Compatibility is so important and it's something you need to consider. Sometimes people want to try to keep the relationship alive when you they it's not going to work out in the end.
Enough pessimism though, just have a real conversation with him. You two sound like you could stand for more communication.
'I'm scared to bring up the subject cos it may be too early for him and i might scare him off'
If he gets frightened that easily and leaves then he wasn't in a real relationship with you to begin with and you need to know now.