any advice????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
any advice????
4
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 10:09am
First of all I was dating a guy for a few months that is divorced from a wife that didn't treat him very well and then walked away from him. He told me from day one that he was crazy about me, didn't desire anyone else and loved me more than anyone he was with. Everything was going great with us I thought. We talked about his past a lot and how it affected him. I tried to understand him and see how he still felt about her. It has been three years since they divorced and he doesnt see her at all but I feel like he hasn't totally let her go even though he doesn't desire to be back with her he still has issues.

Well anyway, when we started dating we found out that his little brother had cancer and I supported him through all of this. Well I got sick one week and we got into a disagreement on whether I was staying for lunch after church..I decided I shouldn't, dropped him off and left him even though he was motioning me to come in. I went to church that night and did not sit with him and he was mad. I called him that night and asked if he loved me and he asked me what kinda question is that. So I figure he still loved me. ALthough he didn't talk to me for a week and dumped me. When I asked him why he said because I left and that if we started out like this it would always be like this (sounds like issues from the past).

Well it has been seven months since we broke up and I haven't given up hope. I still have a strong feeling that God is not letting me let go of him and maybe I am wrong.

I just feel like maybe he is not giving me a fair chance because his ex wife walked out and he saw this one little time that I did that as me leaving him also. He still seems like he has not forgiven me for what I done and it really wasn't anything. He talked about marrying me and wanting to be with me and I don't see how he can throw that away because of one mistake that I made and told him that I am sorry everyday for it and know that I made a mistake. Do anyone think he can overcome the issues and hurt he still has from the ex wife and love me again? Is there anything I can do to help him or to prove that he can trust that I made a mistake and will never do it again?

Do you think he will get over being mad at me and come back?



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 10:17am
Sounds like the guy wants a "perfect existence and relationship" to make up for his poor choice in a partner in the previous marriage.

MEaning, he's not going to be with anybody once the "feeling" of "oh boy, oh boy, she likes me" wears off when real life reinstates itself.

Get over him, you're better off. God isn't keeping you hanging onto this....you are.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 10:27am
how do you know for sure that the strong feeling I have is not from God....I am trying to listen to him but he hasn't given me an answer on this situation. I asked some people at church wednesday night about this and they said the feeling is from God....I am thinking about going to my preacher about this and get his take on what to do...thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:38pm
Because primarily God doesn't work on "feelings".

Feelings are not facts, goals, calls to actions or used to determine what to do in situations. Feelings are a "result" of situations.

This guy is not associating with you, is not affiliting with yo, does not want to resume the relationship. now if "GOD" wanted you two together - who's "feelings and mind" would he have to change....HIS, not yours.

You're there. Meaning that you can stay open to the possibilities if this guy were to become more mature, secure, realistic, and successful in his personal issues - the guy might change his mind, act on that fact, and you'd reunite.

But there is NOTHING that God is putting forth for you to do about this situation.

Alot of people love using "God" as an excuse and justification to do what it is they're doing.

But God preordains everything. He know everything that will happen and He is in control.

So let's go with that...and right now God has complete awareness of the fact that this guy does not want a relationship with you, and "God" isn't doing anything about changing his mind. Meaning it is time for you to "move on".

If you want to stay in God's will...it's just imperative that you remain open to his instructions. To do what you're called upon to do - when you don't understand it, and often do not really WANT to do it. But you'll do it because God calls you to do it with the attitude of "God will handle the results". Rather like Daniel in the Lion's Den.

Daniel didn't WANT to go in there, but he knew he was going to becuase God said to and he didn't go in there cowering and whimpering or fighting mad - he let God handle the lions, which God obviously did. He was just doing his part.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 1:22pm
I agree with Erin on this one, but I think it would be a good idea to talk to your pastor....though he can't be your cheerleading section and talk to your guy. This guy has unresolved issues, lots of them. The way he handles conflict, leftover issues from his wife, grief from his brother's cancer. He expected everything his way as far as you are concerned, meaning you were to be there for him and do exactly what he needs to feel good about him, the only problem is, he doesn't know how to communicate any of that to you and now he's hurt, angry, whatever and he's unwilling to deal with the issues and work through them with you.


Carrie