Any hope?
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| Sun, 01-11-2004 - 5:29am |
So, with all of that said, the current situation is this: He said that we were done, that he wouldn't deal with that situation ever again. He said that the main reason why he was leaving is because he wanted to hit me, but also because I slapped him and he doesn't want to have that in our relationship (of which I totally agree). He also said that he loves me, that we have more good things than bad in our relationship, and would like to stay, but feels that it's not right for him to. I've told him that I will never slap him again. He askes me what happens if I do, or if he loses control. And I tell him that we'll probably either deal with it and work through it or he'll leave. It's taken 2 full days of 5 minute conversations here and there, but now he's agreed to try to work this through but he's still going to move out by himself. In talking with him today he said that he is afraid that my slapping him is a pattern. I said that I would seek professional advise, and treatment if needed. He said that he might consider staying with me if I do that. I am willing to do anything it takes to stay together and bring our relationship back to the wonderful thing it has been.
The most difficult part for me is that he is still treating me the same way. He is still loving, though not a physically affectionate, and talks to me sweetly. He allows me to hug and kiss on him but rarely returns it. We have always been very physically affectionate with each other. It hurts so much to know that as soon as he can find a place to live, he's leaving. Especially because he still shows that he loves me. I guess that's better than the alternative. I'm also afraid that once he moves out, he'll just stay gone because it's easier than working on our relationship and coming home.
As you can tell, I'm very confused. I guess I really need to know if there is any hope of us staying together. Is there anything else I can do that would help us? Any advise about any of this stuff is greatly appreciated and much needed.
Thanks in advance.


There is also one poster here who often recommends good reading material. Perhaps that will help if he/she posts.
Best of luck to you.
This isn't all about you and your problem with slapping. I think it is great that you will go to counseling to work on your abusive relationship issues but he has to take responsibility too. If he has a fear of hitting you then he obviously has some work to do too.
Do you feel like he is making all the rules here?
i think that you both have some work to do and i hope you will both do it...
whether he leaves or not should not be the deciding factor in your going to a therapist. you should not hit another person ever period. this is something you need to work on. and as the other poster said - probably things in your childhood/upbringing have you programmed to always be in an abusive situation. this is something that you CAN control - but you DO need professional help.
if your husband was also raised in a violent/abusive home - then him "swearing to be different" is unfortunately not enuf, and he should see a therapist too. and you should be seeing a couple's therapist together to work thru issues. and don't forget that the pregnancy and losing the pregnancy have been causing additional pain, havoc, and problems
good luck to you. bottom line is yes there is hope but only if you both do the "work".
Then, in my opinion, you don't have much of a relationship. His participation in the relationship is conditional and you are left scrambling to do the right thing, begging for his forgiveness and then walking on eggshells.
Big picture: Go to counseling to work on the abuse issues. Figure out why you are in a place where you are o.kl with someone calling the shots and trying desperately to prove something to them. Take some control over your life.
Small picture: Have you told him what you would like him to do. what you need from him, where you need him to meet you halfway in order to have a happy, healthy relationship?
Has he mentioned getting help for his abuse issues? Has he ever?
"we'll see" is his favorite response lately.'
He holds all the cards and is manipulating you even if he is correct that you should seek counseling. He should be specific about what he wants from you and the relationship and where he sees the relationship going if the slapping, etc stops.
'Any ideas?'
Yes. You *do* have a control and choices but you have to make them without him. Be strong. Take a break from this guy and work on yourself. Do you really want him or a relationship? Do you have a fear of abandonment?
I don't think it's so much a fear of abandonment, as it is just plain fact that I am completely in love and normally very happy with this man and want to continue our relationship. I think that we can get through this. My husband said on Saturday that right now he doesn't want to work on it. But this morning he was more affectionate physically and verbally than he has been since it happened. I think he's starting to calm down, and hopefully he'll be more willing to discuss this and figure out a plan of action.
Anyway, thank you so much. I'm surprised and relieved to find this kind of support on a message board.
It is hard for me to give a final answer, but my two cents are here for what they are worth: whatever chance you have, it depends completely on your willingness to work really hard together to deal with your issues. This may mean the painful choice of letting him move out for some time. Good luck, and hugs.
He said he would consider staying and working things out if you went to a therapist and got help. Not only should you do this for the sake of the marriage, but for yourself. When things get to the point where there is a need to be physicall abusive, clearly there is a problem with anger. You need help understanding and dealing with the anger you feel and other feelings as well. There is nothing wrong with this. You say you were in an abusive relationship, and sadly enough, we often repeat patterns unconsciously. By going and getting fine help, not only can you potentially save the marriage, you can break through these patterns for your own life.
It would not hurt for him to get counselling as well, as he comes from a difficult background, which can generate many fears. Both of you need to learn how to handle upsets, and other issues that arise naturally in all relationships. Let him know you are definitely planning to work on this professionally. Then it is up to him as to how he will react. Whether or not he decides that this will allow him to continue on with you, you should still work on yourself to allow your own life to grow and bloom.
All best wishes.
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