Anyone friends with their ex's?HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Anyone friends with their ex's?HELP!
2
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 1:47pm
Hi all,

Just a brief background. I'm exclusively dating a wonderful guy now for about 2 months. Things are wonderful in almost all aspects, he treats me beautifully, makes me feel adored, makes time for me, always wants to make me feel better if i'm feeling badly, calls when he says he will, all those things. Anyhow-the problem is my insecurity over his exgirlfriend-and i need to know if it's valid insecurity or if i just need to get over it. I don't want to ruin a budding relationship over something imagined.

So that being said, to those of you who are friends with your exes, how is it? I've never really been friends with an ex, unless it was a real short term, not love-based type relationship. Do you talk often? Do you TRULY feel resolved in not having any romantic feelings towards them? Does your current significant other accept this and trust you 100% or is it an issue between you two? If it is an issue, have you taken any measures to reassure them, or have you just said "this is me, accept me as i am or leave" type of thing.

I dont' want to say anything else about the current situation because i do not want to warp anyone's response...i just want an objective opinion of how one can be friends with their ex without hurting their current relationship.

THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:48pm
Speaking from my own experience, I see no problem with it, I'm in your bf's shoes tho. I'm still good friends with my ex, we were together for 6 years and just bec. we had problems in our relationship does not mean we are not good as friends. He has a gf now and she has no problems with it and my fiancee' has no problems with my friendship with my ex.

I have met his current gf and my fiancee' has met my ex. I guess it's a matter of trust and also knowing the boundaries of the friendship.

Try to be open minded and put yourself in his shoes, if you really think this is inappropriate, then I think you should talk to him about it bec. you will end up resenting him.

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 4:46pm
Some people can remain 'just friend' the majority cannot. How long have they been split up?

I think there is a checklist that you need to consider:

1) have you met her?

2) are you included when they get together?

3) what kinds of things do they do together - or is a phone friendship? This is important because you don't want her to be his 'date' replacement if you aren't available for some event.

4) when she calls does he 'jump' to be accomodating, changing plans with you? (big red flag if he does)

Also discussing ground rules are important - like what kinds of 'get togethers' a comfortable / acceptable in the framework of his relationship with you.

Read Dr Laura's book 10 Things Couple's do to Mess up their relationship.

My best to you.


Carrie