Anyone wish they weren't married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Anyone wish they weren't married?
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 12:10am
Hi everyone. I'm new to these boards. Wonder if anyone else out there wishes that they hadn't married their husband? I got married young ... at 21 ... and we had a child around that same time. My husband is 16 years older than I am ... and we were both on the rebound when we met. We've been together for almost ten years now and I can't stop wishing that things had turned out differently for me. We have tons of problems in our relationship ... but unfortunately DH is not the type of man who I can talk to. So, instead, I bottle everything up. And, we haven't made love in about five years. Sad, isn't it? I stay with him because it would be very hard for our son if we got a divorce (I am a child of divorced parents ... and it was very hard for me). And, I can't stop fantasizing about "the one who got away" (and several other men, too :) And, to make matters worse, "the one who got away" was married and I had my heart broken quite badly (although I cheated on him and got kinda psycho near the end). To make matters worse, he works in the media so I often turn on the television and there he is ... as handsome and as sweet as I remember him ... and now, nearly ten years later, WITHOUT A WEDDING RING! I've checked many times and I'm 100% certain that the ring is gone. I've spent a lot of time over the years thinking about him ... and wishing that I'd agreed to stay friends (and stop having sex) after we broke up. We had such a great connection. While it may seem like a contradiction in terms to say he was the nicest guy ever as he was cheating on his wife with me ... he honestly was the nicest guy I've ever met. He wrote me love letters, treated me like a lady, and really listened when we talked. Who knows what could have happened if, only if ... sigh. Somehow I've also managed to make a lot of the mistakes he told me he'd made in his life. One was getting into a relationship on the rebound, which he did too. So here I sit. Oh, and did I mention that I've gained 50 pounds over the years and my husband keeps telling me he's not attracted to me because I'm not "slim". Mean, huh? I always thought it was what's inside that counts. He's no spring chicken but, until he started saying those hurtful things, I would've loved to make love with him. So I can't lose weight because I don't want to give him the satisfaction ... but I feel like I need to lose weight so that I can one day see my Prince Charming again. I feel like I'm trapped in a really bad movie ... and I don't know what to do. Well, I know what I'd like to do ... but I won't do it. Anybody else feel this hopeless and sad ... and have nobody to talk to about any of it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 9:54am
First of all, if you WANT to lose weight, then do it for yourself. It's important to both your physical and mental health. Don't let that loser husband of yours trap you in a body you don't want or like.

If you're truly this unhappy, then leave him. Did you get married because you were pregnant? (You said you had your baby around the same time, so I was just wondering....) I think that's a mistake a lot of people make. Marrying the father of their child just because he's the father of their child, not because they're in love. He's 16 years older than you! Of course you're unhappy. What could you possibly have in common?

I know you say divorce will be terrible for your child. And you know this because it was hard on you when your parents' divorced. Well, I'm the child of divorced parents, and I wasn't horribly traumatized. Sure, it's different. But it can be a very POSITIVE thing, especially if the kid can see just how unhappy his mom and dad are together. Sometimes it's better to be apart, and let your kid have happy parents, than to be together and let them see you miserable all the time. What does that teach them about marriage? That it's ok to be me utterly discontent in your marriage? Divorce is only hard on a child if the parents allow it to be.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 1:07pm
I agree...divorce isn't easy on a family, but most psychologists now agree that it's better for the child if the parents divorce rather than staying together miserably. Even if you don't fight in front of the child, he can sense the lack of love between the parents and that's not the model of marriage you want your child to know. Also, divorce doesn't have the stigma it used to have for children...your son will have plenty of friends who are in the same position. You owe it to your child and to yourself to be happy. Best wishes!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 1:40pm
This "dream guy" you are obsessing about doesn't sound much like a dream. He cheated on his wife with you, meaning that he is not the kind of man who takes commitments seriously. And I beg you, do not try and get in contact with him and tell him that you have been thinking about him for so long, as that will only stroke the ego of a man who is already full of himself! If you want to lose weight, then lose it for yourself, as the other poster said. Do it to make yourself feel better. Don't do it in hopes of one day seeing this guy and being the one woman who can make an honest man of him. If you really believe that, you have psychological problems.

Now, about the husband... If you are not happy in your marriage then leave. As the others said, you are only damaging your son by presenting a false image of a marriage. Would you want your son to feel the same way you do? Then why would you want his mother to feel that way? You obviously are not in a marriage if you haven't made love to your husband in five years (and there are no medical problems that restrict it). So, work on your self-esteem, and go find a man who will treat you the way you want to be treated, who is not in another relationship at the time. Demand more for yourself.