Are we going through tough times or is it time to let go?

Avatar for bren_bren
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Are we going through tough times or is it time to let go?
8
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 11:13pm

Good evening all :smileyhappy:

I've got a bit of struggle going on with my partner and maybe sound opinions from you more experienced ladies could help.

Currently, my boyfriend and I (almost 4 years together) are going through tight $$ times. This has led us to fight and argue even more than before. I work a full-time job for social service which is very unstable right now due to the economy. I'm not even sure if I will have my job by the end of the month. I make enough for only 1 person to live off. My boyfriend makes minimum wage working the night shift in a motel. He gets no benefits whatsoever.

We have been arguing very often last couple of months. I have been very unhappy. I think for me the issue here is that I don't respect my boyfriend anymore. I know he is a nice guy, but we have struggled so much financially for the last 4 years.

When we met, he told me he was going to go attend architecture school and move abroad.When he found out how much in debt I was before I met him, he helped me setup a way to pay off my debt, but he didn't give me a dime to help. He stated "Since it's your debt, you have to pay it off." He said this after he took back what he said when he was going to help me. I thought, okay,that's fine,it is my debt.True. We moved on...

He had been relying on his dad for the first 2 1/2 years of our relationship. When he quit architecture school, his dad cut his funds, but still allowed him to live at home rent-free. The reason we lived there was because we didn't have anywhere to live after returning from abroad. When we lived abroad, I had paid all the expenses for 3 months with the money I saved.

Around that time,I was super stressed out. I was very depressed. I even had to ask my family for help. I had to ask my family for money and to borrow a car from them, while he didn't even bother to ask his dad for help. My family is blue collar workers barely making ends meet; his dad is a kidney doctor with million dollar investments with 5 vehicles. My boyfriend doesn't like to ask his father for help, yet he doesn't talk me out of asking for help from my family.

I couldn't find a job for 9 months. While I searched, he didn't. He stated he might not find much because he saw how many rejections I got in my inbox. That was his excuse. We lived off my credit card and now we're in debt, enough for house payment, just because he didn't want to look for a job. In the same year, I became pregnant and I lost the baby in less than a week. I was super stressed out. I was very depressed. I even started to hate him. By October, I was employed and happy to be working. He also obtained the minimum wage job a month later.

Now, we are still in debt and in even more. I cannot say I blame others, but I blame ourselves. And I blame myself for allowing my boyfriend to push me to the financial limits. Every week I am scouting for pennies because we are always tight. He likes to go out to eat everyday because he doesn't cook. He wakes up in the afternoon after his night shift. He likes to hang out with his friends and pay for their stuff once in a while. And when he doesn't have money, he likes to drag me along because I usually put out $$.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

None of this makes any sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

So he's 30 yrs. old and has no ambition beyond working a minimum wage job (like a high school kid) And he talks about getting married and having kids to boot. And support them on what, a minimum wage job? Are you willing to settle for this type of lfestyle with him cause it doesn't sound like he's going to muster up any ambition to better himself anytime soon. You will end up being the one supporting the family and working you arse off to do so while he remains perfectly content working for minimum wage. Take my word for this, if he hasn't shown any interest in moving up in the world by time he's 30 he never will. Leave his sorry arse and let him go find another sugar mama to support him (and those future babies he intends on having) Really, if a man hasn't shown any ambition to move up in the world by the time he's 30, he never will. There are plenty of nice guys with ambition and decent jobs who would be glad to have you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

I think your lack of respect for him stems from the fact that you have seen his lack of ambition and lack of integrity. His word doesn't mean a lot. He doesn't strive for greatness. (Healthy, sane) women want a man with strength, ambition, resilience and integrity. Apathy and ambivalence is not attractive.

You are right that financial troubles are not the root of your unhappiness. They have merely magnified and enlightened the real problem.

You should be with a man who makes you feel secure. Maybe it is time to create a separation from him and focus on taking care of yourself.

Avatar for bren_bren
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fissatore, your words are as so truthful and blunt. Which I respect. And you made me realize that yes, I am lacking self-esteem and self-respect. I had forgotten about taking care of myself.
Avatar for bren_bren
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thanks peaceyma! Being ambitious and a go-getter is good quality to have for good partner.
Avatar for bren_bren
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thanks undercovercrab. You are right on point. It's not really about the money, it's really just the lack of ambition. We decided to part as of yesterday. I think I'm going to start working on my self-esteem and confidence again. Thanks!
Avatar for bren_bren
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thanks undercover crab. You are right on point. It's not really about the money, it's really just the lack of ambition. We decided to part as of yesterday. I think I'm going to start working on my self-esteem and confidence again. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
And once you have your self esteem and self confidence up, you will realize that you are worthy of a lot more than someone with no ambition to move up in the world.